It's been almost seven months since I got released from my OB/GYN with the news I had successfully miscarried, a plan to wait two cycles before trying, and a recommendation to come back in August if I wasn't pregnant. Well, here we are and no bun in the oven...yet.
My cycles have become somewhat erratic fluctuating anywhere from 28 days to 45 days; talk about frustrating. I found myself becoming that woman - the one who tracks everything about her cycle, Googles the latest fads promising to increase fertility (I'm looking at you, Geritol), and having sex every two-three days even when I just wasn't feeling it because what if that's the magic time. I became that woman and I hated it.
I did check in with my doctor earlier this month and she put my mind at ease. I went in armed with all kinds of questions in addition to a calendar of my crazy cycles. Come to find out my doctor's not worried and not even remotely ready to start doing anything exploratory or talk about possible issues. Also, and this is why I LOVE my doctor, she told me not to be concerned about my age (35 is right around the corner) and that she doesn't start seeing an increase of issues until the mom hits 39. Phew....four more years. Plus, she reiterated that my body did go through some trauma and that it's not unusual for a woman to take about six months for her body to get back on track with things and THEN from that point it could very well take another six to eight months to conceive. Patience is not a virtue I hold in abundance; however, I did take solace in those words and left with a new plan of continuing as is and we'll reconvene in December. If, at that point, no bun is baking, we'll move to the exploratory steps. Hopefully, that won't happen.
I've decided to stop being all crazy-pants with tracking and am going to just keep an eye on Aunt Flo and when hubby and I, you know....I think - know - that will be less stressful for me, will put the fun back in things, and I'll stop obsessing over and Googling every little twinge, cramp, feeling, and sign hoping it's an early pregnancy symptom.
At some point we'll get pregnant again, I truly feel that in my heart. It'll happen when it's supposed to and not a moment earlier...and I'm choosing to be ok with that.
Monday, August 31, 2015
Thursday, July 2, 2015
I Did It!
Last weekend was the trip to New York and not only did I do it but I had fun! I conquered my anxiety and rode in a train, maneuvered around the biggest city in the country, performed, and to top it all off I even RODE THE SUBWAY! Twice!
I can't say my anxiety didn't pop up but I remembered all my little tips and tricks and they worked. I had a fun weekend and was super proud of myself. It's hard to believe that a few months ago I was seriously contemplating not going for fear of having an anxiety attack but I persevered, held strong, had faith, believed I could do it...and I did! Woohoo!
Anxiety - 0; Me - 1
In other news the pup continues to add laughter and chaos to our world. We struggled for a couple weeks with some separation anxiety (must run in the family) She got out of her kennel once and did a whirlwind of a mess in the den where she chewed on papers and boxes, and laid all over things she wasn't supposed to and finished up her meal with a dessert of hubby's X-Box controller (man, he was pissed! I didn't think she's live through that one - just kidding!). The following days found her tearing up the plastic pan at the bottom the kennel, chewing up her bed, and physically moving her kennel from it's place. After contacting our vet, talking to a trainer, and consulting other dog parents, we seem to have gotten things under control. Mira now sports a pheromone collar and we periodically spray her kennel with calming scents. We walk her in the morning before we go to work to tire her out and she only gets special toys when it's time to go in the kennel. So far it's been working. This morning, she even went in her kennel before being asked. She trotted on in and laid down waiting for her treats. I think she's beginning to realize that yes we do leave her but we always come home.
Mira - 0; Us - 1
Baby making continues. It's officially been three cycles of trying and it's beginning to get a little frustrating. I know many couples try for months, sometimes years, to conceive so three months really isn't complaint worth. I guess my thought process was we got pregnant so quickly the first time that we wouldn't struggle going forward.
I've been tracking my cycles with an app called Period Tracker and that's been helpful but my cycles haven't been super regular. When I started tracking my first period was only four days. Twenty-eight days later the next one came. Perfect! Well that cycle was five days and then I didn't get the next one for thirty-eight days! The third one came twenty-eight days later and here I am waiting on the fourth cycle and I'm on day thirty-two. And before you ask, yes I did take a pregnancy test....negative.
These irregular cycles make it hard to figure out when we should concentrate on baby-making. We've not gotten to the point where I'm tracking my daily temperature, checking CM and CP, etc. but I have a feeling we may be heading in that direction. I was told by my doctor that if I wasn't preggo by August to come back and see her so that's what our plan is. We have two more cycles to make something happen and then we'll call in the big guys for some assistance.
No Baby P. 2.0 - 1; Us - 0.
Stay tuned....
I can't say my anxiety didn't pop up but I remembered all my little tips and tricks and they worked. I had a fun weekend and was super proud of myself. It's hard to believe that a few months ago I was seriously contemplating not going for fear of having an anxiety attack but I persevered, held strong, had faith, believed I could do it...and I did! Woohoo!
Anxiety - 0; Me - 1
In other news the pup continues to add laughter and chaos to our world. We struggled for a couple weeks with some separation anxiety (must run in the family) She got out of her kennel once and did a whirlwind of a mess in the den where she chewed on papers and boxes, and laid all over things she wasn't supposed to and finished up her meal with a dessert of hubby's X-Box controller (man, he was pissed! I didn't think she's live through that one - just kidding!). The following days found her tearing up the plastic pan at the bottom the kennel, chewing up her bed, and physically moving her kennel from it's place. After contacting our vet, talking to a trainer, and consulting other dog parents, we seem to have gotten things under control. Mira now sports a pheromone collar and we periodically spray her kennel with calming scents. We walk her in the morning before we go to work to tire her out and she only gets special toys when it's time to go in the kennel. So far it's been working. This morning, she even went in her kennel before being asked. She trotted on in and laid down waiting for her treats. I think she's beginning to realize that yes we do leave her but we always come home.
Mira - 0; Us - 1
Baby making continues. It's officially been three cycles of trying and it's beginning to get a little frustrating. I know many couples try for months, sometimes years, to conceive so three months really isn't complaint worth. I guess my thought process was we got pregnant so quickly the first time that we wouldn't struggle going forward.
I've been tracking my cycles with an app called Period Tracker and that's been helpful but my cycles haven't been super regular. When I started tracking my first period was only four days. Twenty-eight days later the next one came. Perfect! Well that cycle was five days and then I didn't get the next one for thirty-eight days! The third one came twenty-eight days later and here I am waiting on the fourth cycle and I'm on day thirty-two. And before you ask, yes I did take a pregnancy test....negative.
These irregular cycles make it hard to figure out when we should concentrate on baby-making. We've not gotten to the point where I'm tracking my daily temperature, checking CM and CP, etc. but I have a feeling we may be heading in that direction. I was told by my doctor that if I wasn't preggo by August to come back and see her so that's what our plan is. We have two more cycles to make something happen and then we'll call in the big guys for some assistance.
No Baby P. 2.0 - 1; Us - 0.
Stay tuned....
Thursday, June 4, 2015
New York Bound & Scared to Death
Whether I'm Ready or not, I'm New York bound!
I want to feel that pride again. That's why I'm going to New York and why I'm putting myself in a weekend full of situations that will most likely test my anxiety and push me to my limit. I want to regain some of my life back; that part of my life that used to enjoy trains, traveling, cities, new experiences, and atmospheres, without the constant worry of anxiety.
So, my improv group got accepted into the New York Del Close Marathon scheduled for the last weekend in June. It starts the evening of the 26th and runs, non-stop right through the weekend. Thousands of groups applied but only about 600 got accepted. In other words, it's a big deal!
While I'm super excited about going, I'm scared to death! Honestly, what scares me most is getting there. We're staying and performing in the East Village of Manhattan, certainly not a place one wants to voluntarily drive so public transportation it is. Some of my improv colleagues have opted to take a bus but I'm not quite sure I want to do that. I'm thinking a train may be the best option. I still have time to work out the logistics.
I'm really concerned about having an anxiety attack. Between public transportation, being in a huge, crowded city, and having to perform in front of goodness knows how many people, party of me feels like an anxiety attack is almost imminent. I take comfort in the fact that I've not had an attack in quite a while and when the feelings do start to bubble I can control them so they fizzle out pretty quickly. Traffic doesn't seem to affect me the way it used to and two weeks ago I DROVE ON THE TURNPIKE!! The very same turnpike where, about a year ago, I had a major panic attack. I was so flippin' proud of myself that day! So proud!
I want to feel that pride again. That's why I'm going to New York and why I'm putting myself in a weekend full of situations that will most likely test my anxiety and push me to my limit. I want to regain some of my life back; that part of my life that used to enjoy trains, traveling, cities, new experiences, and atmospheres, without the constant worry of anxiety.
Hubby is going with me so it'll be nice to have his support, encouragement, and strength. My improv friends will be there as well and while very few know about my battle, having them there will also help I'm sure.
I've acknowledged my apprehension and concern. I think that's a good thing to do. Instead of sweeping it under the rug and pretending it doesn't exist I'm going to recognize it, feel it, and then, let it go. Should it decide to come back, I'll repeat the process...recognize, feel, let it go.
The anxiety no longer controls me. I control the anxiety.
In other news...baby making continues. Two months in and no baby 2.0. We're not concerned. We're simply having a good time trying. :)
Monday, May 11, 2015
The Whirlwind of Life
Goodness, it's been a while! I was posting pretty regularly, I blink, and over a month has gone by; but what a month it's been.
A New Family Member:
Meet Mira, our newest addition. She's 70 lbs of love and excitement wrapped up in a Husky/Shepard/Lab mix of a dog. Rewind to the day before our second wedding anniversary when I talked hubby into going to the local Humane Association to "just look" at the pups they had up for adoption. He reluctantly agreed (happy wife, happy life) and off we went. Mira, formally named Bailey (Humane Association name), was the second dog we spent some time with. Her rambunctious spirit and kind nature endeared her to us enough that even hubby was ok with putting in an application for her. We were approved pretty quickly and went back the next day, which was our anniversary, to picked her up.
We've had her for a little over a month and she's been wonderful! We don't know her back story but the shelter estimates she's three years old. She was transferred out of a high-kill shelter in West Virginia and made her way north and was up here for a little bit before our path crossed with hers. We were told she must have had a family at one point because she's pretty well mannered and knows a few basic commands; sit, come, kennel. She's great with other dogs, loves people of all ages, and, thankfully, got used to her new name rather quickly. She loves walks but pulls on her leash and when she gets excited she likes to jump on people but we're working to fix those quirks and have enrolled her in some basic manners classes starting next week.
It's hard to imagine what life was like before her and even hubby has taken a shine to her! And yes, she has two different colored eyes. :)
A New Family Member:
Meet Mira, our newest addition. She's 70 lbs of love and excitement wrapped up in a Husky/Shepard/Lab mix of a dog. Rewind to the day before our second wedding anniversary when I talked hubby into going to the local Humane Association to "just look" at the pups they had up for adoption. He reluctantly agreed (happy wife, happy life) and off we went. Mira, formally named Bailey (Humane Association name), was the second dog we spent some time with. Her rambunctious spirit and kind nature endeared her to us enough that even hubby was ok with putting in an application for her. We were approved pretty quickly and went back the next day, which was our anniversary, to picked her up.
We've had her for a little over a month and she's been wonderful! We don't know her back story but the shelter estimates she's three years old. She was transferred out of a high-kill shelter in West Virginia and made her way north and was up here for a little bit before our path crossed with hers. We were told she must have had a family at one point because she's pretty well mannered and knows a few basic commands; sit, come, kennel. She's great with other dogs, loves people of all ages, and, thankfully, got used to her new name rather quickly. She loves walks but pulls on her leash and when she gets excited she likes to jump on people but we're working to fix those quirks and have enrolled her in some basic manners classes starting next week.
It's hard to imagine what life was like before her and even hubby has taken a shine to her! And yes, she has two different colored eyes. :)
Trying Again:
After two consecutive visits from Aunt Flo, hubby and I started trying to conceive baby 2.0. I downloaded Period Tracker, a free app where you can store information pertaining to your monthly visitor as well as symptoms, and times you were intimate. In return it gives you predicted times of ovulation. Therefore you can time your marathon baby-making accordingly. However, it's all just an estimate so nothing is 100% certain, as we found out this month. It was our first month trying since our miscarriage and we knew, even with trying to time things right, it could take some time so we weren't upset when my period came. What was frustrating though, was that my period was not one or two days late but TEN! So, during that time frame I took four pregnancy tests (not cheap) but was somewhat relieved when it did come but man, those ten days were filled with every thought from "I'm pregnant" to "There's something wrong" and everything in between. Aunt Flo has come and gone and hubby and I will continue with baby-making and we'll see what happens this month. If Baby 2.0 hasn't jumped on board by the end of the summer I'll make an appointment with my OBGYN. Stay tuned and all good thoughts, prayers, vibes, and well wishes are appreciated.
Parents:
I'm an only child and getting to a point in my life where the transition from child to caretaker has begun. Last year my mom underwent two major, life altering surgeries and was diagnosed with colon cancer. Thankfully she fought a good fight and won her cancer battle and today is considered cancer free. However, while undergoing chemo she had to stop some of her other medication, and as a result lost some of her muscle stability in her legs. She has psoriatic arthritis which was manged by Enbrel. For the last few weeks her legs have been getting worse with stiffness and pain. She goes back to see her arthritis doctor this week and we're hoping she'll get back on the Enbrel. That, combined with physical therapy, should get her to rights....hopefully. It's been hard for her and my dad. They came up on Saturday but stayed outside because my mom can't do the stairs to get into my home. Thankfully it was a nice, warm day so staying outside was doable.
My dad underwent back to back cataract surgery a couple weeks ago. He was nervous and unsure about it. I would be too! Not only are you awake for that surgery but you've got lasers and instruments coming at you and should you flinch or move, who knows what would happen!? However, he was a trooper and after some time of fear and regret, he's on the mend. Last weekend, I took him out to get his first pair or sunglasses. Yes, his first. He's been wearing glasses for over 60 years and now, thanks to the surgery, should only need readers. So, he sports a snazzy pair of sunglasses and when reading puts on those glasses that sit on the bridge of his nose. He'll head back to his eye doctor at the end of the month and probably get a prescription pair.
My parents are aging and at times it scares me. Other times I know it's the circle of life and all I can do it attempt to take care of them the way they did me when I was little.
Other Things:
Work, volunteer activities. improv group, working in the yard, friends, family, etc.... That's all been keeping me busy as well. Life is good and I'm excited to see where it takes me!
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
And We're Off!
Baby making has officially resumed.
And I'm scared to death...
I've been in a funk the last week or so and I'm sure that's part of the issue; but I'm not letting that stop me as I know (hope) it's just a temporary state of mind. Hubby and I have started TTC again with prayers for a better outcome.
While the thought of being pregnant excites me it also terrifies me. Honestly, the nine months of being pregnant followed by the painful exit terrifies me. I'm concerned about my anxiety and what that may or may not do to our child and for a period of time my body doesn't only belong to me and I don't know how I'll handle that. It would be nice if I could take off the belly and let hubby take over every so often but clearly that's not an option.
I get that women's bodies are made for child birth and I do find comfort in the fact that many, many women have birthed multiple babies - so the pain can't be THAT BAD, right? I also know that in the end I will be alright and things will work out the way they're supposed to. This is fairly unknown territory and since our first try at this was challenging, you can understand my hesitation.
Thankfully, I have a very supportive network full of friends and family and a phenomenal OBGYN who I know will help me stay strong and do what's best for me and our little one.
I'll be sure to keep you posted!
Monday, April 6, 2015
Mourning What I Do Not Have but Want Dearly
I grew up in a rather small immediate family (me, mom, and dad) but had a rather large extended family (lots of aunts, uncles and cousins) and we were very close with both my parents' sides. We would come together several times throughout the year for family reunions, birthdays, picnics, BBQ's, vacations, and more. It was a fun way to grow up and when I look back on my childhood those gatherings are some of my favorite memories. As time passed we all grew up and started going on our paths, people started passing, family gatherings happened less and became more obligatory versus fun and exciting, and life just took on a new direction. My particular journey took me through high school and college and then into the work force. I spent much of my 20's living on my own, working, hanging out with my friends, and being a productive member of society. Many of my cousins took a different path in their 20's - fell in love with their other halves and became parents, our paths continuing to gain more distance.
Most of my life I've had to witness the rise and fall of my parents health; mental and physical. In addition to weight issues I've seen them struggle with diabetes, knee, feet, and shoulder issues, amputations, depression, anger management, cancer, memory issues, and more. The constant health concerns have limited what we've been able to do as a family for many, many years now. I've spent much of my adult years worrying over them both and stressing about how to help and fighting the "bad daughter guilt" I constantly feel. I don't have the kind of relationship with my parents that I wish I had.
When hubby and I started dating and things were getting serious I started to get excited for a lot of reasons but primarily because I not only would have a husband but two sisters-in-law, and a set of in-laws who seemed like amazing people. Now, I'm not saying my in-laws at not amazing, just not what I was anticipating. I was hoping to get that close-knit family feel. I wanted to spend a lot of time with my sisters-in-law and become genuine friends. I wanted to have relationships with my in-laws. Instead, we see them on the holidays and maybe a handful of times throughout the year. That's it.
I don't have any close family and that breaks my heart. I've tried and tried to form relationships and bonds but for reasons that are too numerous to mention and not quite understood things never panned out. I look at my extended family (those who married in their 20's and had children) and often see their photos on social media and it makes me long for the past when we were all close. I'm not jealous and I don't begrudge them having a close knit family, I just mourn what I don't necessarily have. Very much in the same way someone who loses a parent feels upon seeing someone else with theirs. It's not so much jealously, just a reminder of something that no longer is a part of your life.
While I have a wonderful group of friends who are like family the emptiness felt due to the lack of a close-knit family is hard. I don't have siblings so it very much is just me. And I think what's even more difficult to handle is that my children will more than likely grow up without a close-bonded family and I don't know how to make that better. Hubby and I are one thing but I believe there is something to be said for having an extended family who's truly there from the beginning.
If I am coming off sounding anything other than thoughtful I don't mean to. I am very grateful for the family I do have and know that all families, regardless of relationships, have their own struggles. Also, just because the grass seems greener on the other side doesn't mean that's how it looks all the time.
Basically, I'm coming to terms with what I don't have and learning to appreciate what I do.
Most of my life I've had to witness the rise and fall of my parents health; mental and physical. In addition to weight issues I've seen them struggle with diabetes, knee, feet, and shoulder issues, amputations, depression, anger management, cancer, memory issues, and more. The constant health concerns have limited what we've been able to do as a family for many, many years now. I've spent much of my adult years worrying over them both and stressing about how to help and fighting the "bad daughter guilt" I constantly feel. I don't have the kind of relationship with my parents that I wish I had.
When hubby and I started dating and things were getting serious I started to get excited for a lot of reasons but primarily because I not only would have a husband but two sisters-in-law, and a set of in-laws who seemed like amazing people. Now, I'm not saying my in-laws at not amazing, just not what I was anticipating. I was hoping to get that close-knit family feel. I wanted to spend a lot of time with my sisters-in-law and become genuine friends. I wanted to have relationships with my in-laws. Instead, we see them on the holidays and maybe a handful of times throughout the year. That's it.
I don't have any close family and that breaks my heart. I've tried and tried to form relationships and bonds but for reasons that are too numerous to mention and not quite understood things never panned out. I look at my extended family (those who married in their 20's and had children) and often see their photos on social media and it makes me long for the past when we were all close. I'm not jealous and I don't begrudge them having a close knit family, I just mourn what I don't necessarily have. Very much in the same way someone who loses a parent feels upon seeing someone else with theirs. It's not so much jealously, just a reminder of something that no longer is a part of your life.
While I have a wonderful group of friends who are like family the emptiness felt due to the lack of a close-knit family is hard. I don't have siblings so it very much is just me. And I think what's even more difficult to handle is that my children will more than likely grow up without a close-bonded family and I don't know how to make that better. Hubby and I are one thing but I believe there is something to be said for having an extended family who's truly there from the beginning.
If I am coming off sounding anything other than thoughtful I don't mean to. I am very grateful for the family I do have and know that all families, regardless of relationships, have their own struggles. Also, just because the grass seems greener on the other side doesn't mean that's how it looks all the time.
Basically, I'm coming to terms with what I don't have and learning to appreciate what I do.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Phew!
Good news! All is well and my levels are back down where they need to be. I'm very happy to hear that. I guess going through a miscarriage journey can make things operate differently so, instead of worrying about it I'm going to be thankful that I am ok and my body is taking care of itself.
Going forward, I will make sure to do what I'm supposed to do in regards to my medical care, and I suggest you do the same. :)
Baby making can begin again.
Going forward, I will make sure to do what I'm supposed to do in regards to my medical care, and I suggest you do the same. :)
Baby making can begin again.
Monday, March 30, 2015
A Bite In My Butt
I'll admit I was a bad patient and now my actions are coming back to bite me in the ass. Our last appointment with the ob/gyn was Friday, February 6th. Hubby and I got word that all but a little bit of blood had been expelled and the little bit remaining would more than likely pass with the next visit from Aunt Flo. We left about as elated as you can be at what we thought was the end of our miscarriage journey with prescriptions to get two blood draws to monitor my HGC levels back to zero. About five days later I went and got the first blood draw....129. I thought that was a good number and I should be at zero in a few days. I didn't go back for the second blood draw. I was stupid.
Then, on Monday March 2 I started my period.
Then, yesterday, I got my period again.
Neither have been extremely heavy and to be honest they're "easier" than they ever were when I was on birth control. Very little to no cramping, no heavy flow, no leaking, etc. And from what memory can recall they've been easier than my periods were BEFORE I was on birth control.
I started to get somewhat concerned so today I called my ob/gyn to ask if there's any possibility the blood didn't pass and could be sitting there not letting me have a normal flow period (normal for me). Of course, the first thing they want to do is check my levels, so I ran over to the Labcorp and had blood drawn. I should know the result tomorrow morning.
In the meantime I'm doing what I shouldn't be doing....Googling. I am praying that all is ok. Hubby and I were wanting to start the baby making process again this month and I'll feel like a complete ass if, due to my ignorance and not thoroughly following up with proper blood work, we need to have additional medical intervention that will push us back another couple of months.
A can of worms I do not want to open.
How can I have two bleeding cycles if I've retained anything?
Wouldn't I have other symptoms if I did? Fever? Odor? Cramps? Something??
We thought this part of our journey was over and that we could move forward. Praying it is and I'm worrying over nothing.
I'll be sure to keep you updated. However, if you're in the same boat LISTEN TO YOUR DOCTOR!
Then, on Monday March 2 I started my period.
Then, yesterday, I got my period again.
Neither have been extremely heavy and to be honest they're "easier" than they ever were when I was on birth control. Very little to no cramping, no heavy flow, no leaking, etc. And from what memory can recall they've been easier than my periods were BEFORE I was on birth control.
I started to get somewhat concerned so today I called my ob/gyn to ask if there's any possibility the blood didn't pass and could be sitting there not letting me have a normal flow period (normal for me). Of course, the first thing they want to do is check my levels, so I ran over to the Labcorp and had blood drawn. I should know the result tomorrow morning.
In the meantime I'm doing what I shouldn't be doing....Googling. I am praying that all is ok. Hubby and I were wanting to start the baby making process again this month and I'll feel like a complete ass if, due to my ignorance and not thoroughly following up with proper blood work, we need to have additional medical intervention that will push us back another couple of months.
A can of worms I do not want to open.
How can I have two bleeding cycles if I've retained anything?
Wouldn't I have other symptoms if I did? Fever? Odor? Cramps? Something??
We thought this part of our journey was over and that we could move forward. Praying it is and I'm worrying over nothing.
I'll be sure to keep you updated. However, if you're in the same boat LISTEN TO YOUR DOCTOR!
Thursday, March 19, 2015
I Just Don't Think I'm Ready
I've been doing really well recently in regards to the anxiety. I'm on a low dose of Lexapro and for the most part that keeps things pretty steady. I'm driving places without looking at my traffic app all the time which is a huge thing for me. I'm scheduling trips requiring me to drive longer distances by myself on major highways, and the thought of having to go to the dentist isn't as scary as it was a few weeks ago.
However, there is this one opportunity that is being presented to me and I just don't think I'm ready for it. I am a member of a local improv group. I have been for the last two years and for the most part we perform quite locally at small venues and at our own little home theater. There's a major improv marathon festival coming up over the summer at a major city. All my fellow players are on-board but I have extreme reservations; not about performing but about being in that environment. It's been years since I've been to this city and getting around is done best by taking the subway. I'm quite worried about having an anxiety attack and not be close to home or having someone around with whom I feel "safe".
I talked to hubby about it and he's supporting me either way and offered to go with me - he's so sweet! I just feel like I'm making progress with the small steps I'm making and just worried that if I take a big leap and go to the marathon it may set me back. Or it could push me forward....
I'm stuck.
I hate giving in to the anxiety but also don't want to ruin what I think it pretty major progress for me. Not to mention the fact that I'm just not a city girl.
I don't know what I'll do but I'll be sure to keep you posted. Words of encouragement are much appreciated. :)
However, there is this one opportunity that is being presented to me and I just don't think I'm ready for it. I am a member of a local improv group. I have been for the last two years and for the most part we perform quite locally at small venues and at our own little home theater. There's a major improv marathon festival coming up over the summer at a major city. All my fellow players are on-board but I have extreme reservations; not about performing but about being in that environment. It's been years since I've been to this city and getting around is done best by taking the subway. I'm quite worried about having an anxiety attack and not be close to home or having someone around with whom I feel "safe".
I talked to hubby about it and he's supporting me either way and offered to go with me - he's so sweet! I just feel like I'm making progress with the small steps I'm making and just worried that if I take a big leap and go to the marathon it may set me back. Or it could push me forward....
I'm stuck.
I hate giving in to the anxiety but also don't want to ruin what I think it pretty major progress for me. Not to mention the fact that I'm just not a city girl.
I don't know what I'll do but I'll be sure to keep you posted. Words of encouragement are much appreciated. :)
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
I've Been Un-Friended
People are meant to come in and out of our lives. It's be pretty boring if we were surrounded by the same people all the time. Like characters in a story, each new person adds a little bit of something to our individual stories. These characters can stick around for minutes, hours, weeks, months, years, decades, or longer. It may not take long for them to have an impact on our lives and often times we don't realize what they've added until we notice their absence.
Several years ago my path crossed with someone who became a very good friend. We had a lot in common, belonged to the same young professionals group, laughed at the same things, hung around in the same circles, had mutual friends, and pretty quickly became friends ourselves.
A few years after we met, her life (and job) decided to take her across the pond to the United Kingdom. While I was sad to see her go I knew it was going to be a great thing for her, plus her work travels would bring her state-side quite often, so while she was leaving, I never really considered her gone.
I ended up going on a vacation of a lifetime and visited her once she got settled. We had a great time and I was able to see a part of the world I never thought I get to see. I took hundreds of photos and even today think it was one of the best vacations ever!
Shortly after I returned I received an email from my friend apologizing, saying that during my visit she wasn't herself and hoped there weren't any bad vibes. I must have been in vacation euphoria (or she hid it really well) (or both) because I didn't pick up on anything. I told her not to worry about it and reassured her that if she needed anything or just wanted to talk, to let me know.
Since then, our friendship has slowly dwindled. I occasionally would get an email from her apologizing for not keeping in touch, that things weren't going too well, etc. She got a new position at work so her travels back across the pond weren't as often and our emails went from pretty regular to now, non-existent. I've reached out in the past but have gotten very little back in the way of a response.
I received a happy birthday wish on my last birthday followed up by a note that she would be in touch but that never happened. A couple months ago she emailed me to say she was state-side but wouldn't be able to get together. Then, last week, I realized I hadn't been seeing many updates on Facebook and it was then I realized I had been un-friended. And it hurt.
It wasn't the first person to un-friend me but it was the first friend to do so.
I guess I'll never fully understand what happened to our friendship and why it ended the way it did. One of the things I loved about our friendship was that it was consistent despite the distance.
I don't think I did anything wrong and I would hope if I did she would tell me and while I don't think I'll ever be ok with no longer having her as a friend I'm choosing to not focus on that. Instead, I'll focus on the time we were in each other's lives and the memories from that. She's got an amazing life and I know she'll continue to do wonderful things and I've been blessed that for a brief time she was a character in my story.
Several years ago my path crossed with someone who became a very good friend. We had a lot in common, belonged to the same young professionals group, laughed at the same things, hung around in the same circles, had mutual friends, and pretty quickly became friends ourselves.
A few years after we met, her life (and job) decided to take her across the pond to the United Kingdom. While I was sad to see her go I knew it was going to be a great thing for her, plus her work travels would bring her state-side quite often, so while she was leaving, I never really considered her gone.
I ended up going on a vacation of a lifetime and visited her once she got settled. We had a great time and I was able to see a part of the world I never thought I get to see. I took hundreds of photos and even today think it was one of the best vacations ever!
Shortly after I returned I received an email from my friend apologizing, saying that during my visit she wasn't herself and hoped there weren't any bad vibes. I must have been in vacation euphoria (or she hid it really well) (or both) because I didn't pick up on anything. I told her not to worry about it and reassured her that if she needed anything or just wanted to talk, to let me know.
Since then, our friendship has slowly dwindled. I occasionally would get an email from her apologizing for not keeping in touch, that things weren't going too well, etc. She got a new position at work so her travels back across the pond weren't as often and our emails went from pretty regular to now, non-existent. I've reached out in the past but have gotten very little back in the way of a response.
I received a happy birthday wish on my last birthday followed up by a note that she would be in touch but that never happened. A couple months ago she emailed me to say she was state-side but wouldn't be able to get together. Then, last week, I realized I hadn't been seeing many updates on Facebook and it was then I realized I had been un-friended. And it hurt.
It wasn't the first person to un-friend me but it was the first friend to do so.
I guess I'll never fully understand what happened to our friendship and why it ended the way it did. One of the things I loved about our friendship was that it was consistent despite the distance.
I don't think I did anything wrong and I would hope if I did she would tell me and while I don't think I'll ever be ok with no longer having her as a friend I'm choosing to not focus on that. Instead, I'll focus on the time we were in each other's lives and the memories from that. She's got an amazing life and I know she'll continue to do wonderful things and I've been blessed that for a brief time she was a character in my story.
Monday, March 16, 2015
I Faced the Scale
Like so many people in the world I have a love/hate relationship with the scale. I've struggled with my weight most of life and if you are a firm believer in the BMI index I would certainly be considered obese. My tops are usually sized L or XL and I wear a size 16 in pants/skirts. I'm pear shaped so finding a one piece of anything that fits me perfectly up top and down below is usually an exercise in futility.
I don't rely much on what the scale says. In fact I don't even own one. I keep an eye on how my clothes are fitting. I make sure I drink plenty of water and eat a fairly consistent diet. I'm not perfect at any of this but I am aware of my choices and most days I'm quite content with my self.
The only time I step on the scale is when I'm at the doctor's office and they make me. I usually step up but don't look at the number. I think it's because I'm afraid of what I think the number will secretly tell me, "You're fat." "You've gained weight". "You're not healthy...."
When I got pregnant I decided I could no longer hid from that number nor would I let it dictate my life or that of my unborn child. During my first pre-natal appointment I was asked to step on a scale. I didn't turn away and watched as the 197 jumped on the screen. I felt relief and a sense of power.
Last week I found myself down and out with a severe cold. I ended up at my doctors office as I thought I had contracted a sinus infection. I stepped on the scale and for a moment was mortified as the number 208 popped up...yikes!! Eleven pounds since the beginning of January. Then I remembered that it's a number. It's job is to go up and down and I'm the one in charge of the direction. At that point I decided that I no longer was going to run and hide from the numbers on the scale. In the end, it is simply a number....a number to be aware of but not ruled by.
I don't rely much on what the scale says. In fact I don't even own one. I keep an eye on how my clothes are fitting. I make sure I drink plenty of water and eat a fairly consistent diet. I'm not perfect at any of this but I am aware of my choices and most days I'm quite content with my self.
The only time I step on the scale is when I'm at the doctor's office and they make me. I usually step up but don't look at the number. I think it's because I'm afraid of what I think the number will secretly tell me, "You're fat." "You've gained weight". "You're not healthy...."
When I got pregnant I decided I could no longer hid from that number nor would I let it dictate my life or that of my unborn child. During my first pre-natal appointment I was asked to step on a scale. I didn't turn away and watched as the 197 jumped on the screen. I felt relief and a sense of power.
Last week I found myself down and out with a severe cold. I ended up at my doctors office as I thought I had contracted a sinus infection. I stepped on the scale and for a moment was mortified as the number 208 popped up...yikes!! Eleven pounds since the beginning of January. Then I remembered that it's a number. It's job is to go up and down and I'm the one in charge of the direction. At that point I decided that I no longer was going to run and hide from the numbers on the scale. In the end, it is simply a number....a number to be aware of but not ruled by.
Thursday, February 26, 2015
A Very Special Visitor
It's interesting the path one's life takes. Almost a year ago I started on a spiritual journey of sorts. I started having an interest in yoga and meditation and wanted learn more about the seven chakras, Reiki and different levels of holistic healing. Since then I've added different types of yoga into my routine, have gone to several meditation groups, and had a few Reiki sessions. It's been such a wonderful thing and I know my anxiety has been better because of it.
My yoga instructor is also a Reiki Master. He also knows about my storm and being the wonderful person he is, offered me a free healing session which happened last night. Now, when I have these sessions I don't go in with any expectations other than to feel better afterwards. I'm always hoping for a visitor or two or a message but don't get upset if there isn't.
I laid on the table, listened to the soft hum of the music, inhaled the calming scent of the oils, and drifted off. I've not quite gotten to the point where I can go outside of myself when I meditate or relax so I was still fully aware of my surroundings, but it was nice to not worry about anything other than myself for an hour. I had a few annoying thoughts that came my way, "what's for dinner?", for example. I acknowledged it and let it go. Eventually those annoying thoughts went away and I just relaxed. Throughout my session I felt tingling in my body but one of the most exciting things that happened was I felt a presence! I felt someone standing right over my left shoulder. I couldn't make out who it was or what it was but there was certainly something or someone standing over me (and no, it wasn't my yoga guy). The being didn't stay very long and I didn't get any information but I was being watched over and it was a wonderful feeling of peace and serenity.
My session ended all too soon and before I knew it I was being asked how I felt. My yoga guy told me that I did indeed have visitors. When he set his intention for the session and invited my angels and those who guide me in to the room he told me it was like a flood of spirit and he got very hot.
And then...
He said a little blonde girl came into the room, put a flower over my heart, and hovered over me. She apparently stayed throughout the session but my yoga guy did ask her to step aside as he found himself focusing on her and not me. I started to cry because, while we never got to the point in our pregnancy where we found out if it was a girl or boy, I always felt in my heart that it was a little girl and that my visitor was our daughter coming through to say, "It's ok, mom. I'm ok".
I just felt so much better and relieved that she's ok, not that I had any doubt, but she's alright and I did get to visit with her for a little bit.
I'm continuing on this journey and approaching it as I do my Reiki sessions - no expectations other than to feel better than before. I think it's a good approach.
My yoga instructor is also a Reiki Master. He also knows about my storm and being the wonderful person he is, offered me a free healing session which happened last night. Now, when I have these sessions I don't go in with any expectations other than to feel better afterwards. I'm always hoping for a visitor or two or a message but don't get upset if there isn't.
I laid on the table, listened to the soft hum of the music, inhaled the calming scent of the oils, and drifted off. I've not quite gotten to the point where I can go outside of myself when I meditate or relax so I was still fully aware of my surroundings, but it was nice to not worry about anything other than myself for an hour. I had a few annoying thoughts that came my way, "what's for dinner?", for example. I acknowledged it and let it go. Eventually those annoying thoughts went away and I just relaxed. Throughout my session I felt tingling in my body but one of the most exciting things that happened was I felt a presence! I felt someone standing right over my left shoulder. I couldn't make out who it was or what it was but there was certainly something or someone standing over me (and no, it wasn't my yoga guy). The being didn't stay very long and I didn't get any information but I was being watched over and it was a wonderful feeling of peace and serenity.
My session ended all too soon and before I knew it I was being asked how I felt. My yoga guy told me that I did indeed have visitors. When he set his intention for the session and invited my angels and those who guide me in to the room he told me it was like a flood of spirit and he got very hot.
And then...
He said a little blonde girl came into the room, put a flower over my heart, and hovered over me. She apparently stayed throughout the session but my yoga guy did ask her to step aside as he found himself focusing on her and not me. I started to cry because, while we never got to the point in our pregnancy where we found out if it was a girl or boy, I always felt in my heart that it was a little girl and that my visitor was our daughter coming through to say, "It's ok, mom. I'm ok".
I just felt so much better and relieved that she's ok, not that I had any doubt, but she's alright and I did get to visit with her for a little bit.
I'm continuing on this journey and approaching it as I do my Reiki sessions - no expectations other than to feel better than before. I think it's a good approach.
Monday, February 16, 2015
A Weekend to Relax
Mother Nature decided to share some of her spirit in my neck of the woods this weekend with plunging temperatures, high winds, and a few inches of snow (New England residents, my heart goes out to you all). Hubby and I decided to spend Valentine's Day weekend staying put, keeping warm, and just vegging, which is easy to do when the temperature gauge on your phone says it feels like -5 degrees.
We did run out to the grocery store Saturday morning to get some last minute items for our Valentine's Day dinner. Rewind back to when hubby and I were dating...you would most definitely find us among the crazies paying $150 for a limited menu of deliciousness at some swanky place we normally wouldn't go to. However, last year we decided to turn it down a notch, stay home, and make something we wouldn't normally cook. It worked out quite well, was less expensive, and we didn't need to get all dressed up. So, lo and behold, a new tradition was born. This year we decided to make Asian shrimp stir-fry followed by chocolate lava cake for dessert. Hubby was in charge of the dinner and I took responsibility for dessert. Now I know shrimp stir-fry doesn't seem like a hard dish and I'm sure it's on most people's dinner tables a couple times a month but it hasn't been in our arsenal of Monday - Friday, after work dinners, so for us it was a stretch to try it; but try we did - and it was a SUCCESS!
Here's the recipe we used for the shrimp - http://bit.ly/1vznny0. Did I take pictures? Nope, of course not. I was too busy mixing chocolate and forgetting to add flour to remember such silly things. Use your imagination and I promise I'll get better with the whole photo-taking thing. Hubby did a great job and it was delicious! The best part is that it made a ton so we had leftovers which were even better the next day, yum!
Now, onto dessert - http://bit.ly/1vPTqzu. If you've ever had dreams of making a lava cake but decided against it for one reason or another, fear not, for making a lava cake is quite simple. I followed the very easy directions - all but the part about adding the flour; however, I caught it before it was too late so crisis averted, phew - and sometime later impressed myself (and hubby) with a warm, delicious, chocolate confection complete with a scoop of French vanilla ice cream (store bought - let's not get crazy here.) Just one note: don't leave the cakes in any longer than 14 minutes. I was afraid not enough of the outside had cooked so I left them in for about 17 minutes and while they were still delicious, there was not as much lava flow action as I would have liked.
It was a wonderful dinner and we had a great time cooking together, trying something new, and enjoying our efforts. We finished up the evening watching episodes of Dexter on Netflix. What a romantic couple we are. :)
If you had been a fly on the wall in our home on Sunday you would have found us lounging on the couch; me wrapped up in a blanket with a heating pad for warmth, and hubby in a t-shirt and shorts. Not sure which one of us is more crazy. The older I get the more I freeze my tuccus off during the colder months and find that Florida looks more and more appealing. Hubby just sweats to death with every move I make of the thermostat dial. We ended our weekend by catching up on some DVR'd shows and watching the newest episode of The Walking Dead.
Mother Nature is sticking around this week as we're expecting about 4-7 inches of snow tonight with frigid temperatures. Thirty-three more days until spring!
We did run out to the grocery store Saturday morning to get some last minute items for our Valentine's Day dinner. Rewind back to when hubby and I were dating...you would most definitely find us among the crazies paying $150 for a limited menu of deliciousness at some swanky place we normally wouldn't go to. However, last year we decided to turn it down a notch, stay home, and make something we wouldn't normally cook. It worked out quite well, was less expensive, and we didn't need to get all dressed up. So, lo and behold, a new tradition was born. This year we decided to make Asian shrimp stir-fry followed by chocolate lava cake for dessert. Hubby was in charge of the dinner and I took responsibility for dessert. Now I know shrimp stir-fry doesn't seem like a hard dish and I'm sure it's on most people's dinner tables a couple times a month but it hasn't been in our arsenal of Monday - Friday, after work dinners, so for us it was a stretch to try it; but try we did - and it was a SUCCESS!
Here's the recipe we used for the shrimp - http://bit.ly/1vznny0. Did I take pictures? Nope, of course not. I was too busy mixing chocolate and forgetting to add flour to remember such silly things. Use your imagination and I promise I'll get better with the whole photo-taking thing. Hubby did a great job and it was delicious! The best part is that it made a ton so we had leftovers which were even better the next day, yum!
Now, onto dessert - http://bit.ly/1vPTqzu. If you've ever had dreams of making a lava cake but decided against it for one reason or another, fear not, for making a lava cake is quite simple. I followed the very easy directions - all but the part about adding the flour; however, I caught it before it was too late so crisis averted, phew - and sometime later impressed myself (and hubby) with a warm, delicious, chocolate confection complete with a scoop of French vanilla ice cream (store bought - let's not get crazy here.) Just one note: don't leave the cakes in any longer than 14 minutes. I was afraid not enough of the outside had cooked so I left them in for about 17 minutes and while they were still delicious, there was not as much lava flow action as I would have liked.
It was a wonderful dinner and we had a great time cooking together, trying something new, and enjoying our efforts. We finished up the evening watching episodes of Dexter on Netflix. What a romantic couple we are. :)
If you had been a fly on the wall in our home on Sunday you would have found us lounging on the couch; me wrapped up in a blanket with a heating pad for warmth, and hubby in a t-shirt and shorts. Not sure which one of us is more crazy. The older I get the more I freeze my tuccus off during the colder months and find that Florida looks more and more appealing. Hubby just sweats to death with every move I make of the thermostat dial. We ended our weekend by catching up on some DVR'd shows and watching the newest episode of The Walking Dead.
Mother Nature is sticking around this week as we're expecting about 4-7 inches of snow tonight with frigid temperatures. Thirty-three more days until spring!
Monday, February 9, 2015
Thoughts on My Miscarriage
NOTE A: This is a very raw, very personal, quite lengthy post, about my personal story with miscarriage. It's not meant to do anything other than continue to be a form of therapy for me, but more importantly, help other women going through the same storm. Just know that I came out of the storm, and so will you.
NOTE B: If you're a regular reader some things in this post might be repetitive but I've done that on purpose so that other women reading my story, perhaps for the first time, don't have to go searching through my blog to find answers to their questions.
Ok, here we go...
Well, it's official, I'm now a card-carrying member of the miscarriage club, a group of women I never gave much thought to (I don't mean that to sound harsh) and certainly didn't think I'd become one of, but yet, here I am, one of millions of women who now know a loss so great and so heartbreaking that it's hard to comprehend. Last Friday, hubby and I had our final appointment with our doctor and my body naturally, and more importantly - successfully - miscarried everything (about time we got some good news!). I've got a couple weeks of blood tests to look forward to in order to make sure my pregnancy levels go back to zero, I'll get my period in the next 4-6 weeks, and then in two (probably three) more cycles, we can try again.
Here's how our journey to parenthood started....I had been on the pill for four years for no other reason than to prevent children. Hubby and I decided in early November we were ready to start a family so I finished my pack of pills on November 15 and on December 12, we had a positive pregnancy test. We made our first two pre-natal appointments and continued with life, excited as could be. My symptoms were present but not horrible; dry heaves in the morning while brushing and flossing my teeth, peeing every five minutes, hungry, and tired. NOTE: pregnancy symptoms come and go and every woman has varying degrees. Please don't let a lack of symptoms freak you out like I initially did. More than likely you're fine and just one of the lucky ones. :)
On January 7 (Wednesday) hubby and I went for our meeting with the doctor where we would hear a heartbeat and meet our little love bug. However, that day marked the first of a series of dark clouds....no fetal pole, therefore, no heartbeat. I was only measuring six weeks so the doctor thought I might have ovulated later than expected since I got pregnant right off the pill, so we had a reason to hope. We were told to come back in seven days where at that point a little flutter should be visible. A week later (the 14th) our storm intensified when we were told that had been no growth, no change, no baby, and I would most certainly miscarry. Since my body was showing signs of early miscarriage (the sac had dropped closer to my cervix) I opted to go naturally and my doctor was very ok with my decision. Since I had a blighted ovum I was told to expect a very heavy, crampy period, within the next week or so and if nothing happened I was to take Cytotec which would induce the miscarriage.
I had been having some light brown spotting, cervical mucus, and some light period type cramps for a couple days prior to our appointment on the 14th (NOTE: period type cramps are common and most of the time ok during pregnancy. If you're concerned please call your doctor.) and that pretty much continued until the evening of Sunday, January 18th. I started to not feel so sparky and got some cramping in my abdomen and back. Not enough to take Advil but certainly enough to know they were there. I went to lie down for a bit and when I got up I went to the bathroom and on the tissue was red blood, as opposed to dried up brown blood. It was startling for sure but I took a deep breath, composed myself, went to my husband and told him I thought things had begun. Now, never having been through a miscarriage, and only knowing what I did from message boards and websites (most of the time not a good idea) I had read, I knew I was in for anything from an ok night to feeling like I'm dying. I really didn't know what to expect as each miscarriage is different for each woman.
Turns out, the night was fine. I got up the next morning to more brown dried up blood. I put a call into my doctors office and we made plans to check in daily and if nothing happened by Wednesday they'd call in the Cytotec - an option I was becoming more and more scared of (thank you again message boards.) So here's how the rest of the things went...
Tuesday 1/20 - returned to work, slight bleeding, slight cramping, no Advil needed. Hubby and I had sex (at the recommendation of my doctor) to hopefully get things started.
Wednesday 1/21 - sex worked! More bleeding, more cramping, still no Advil needed. Talked to the doctor's office and they were ok with letting me go without the Cytotec.
Thursday 1/22 - made out ok at work but got another wave of not feeling well. Got home, took a shower and spent the night on the couch, with a heating pad. Cramping, and more bleeding. Bleeding's not heavy nor free flowing but it's more there.
Friday 1/23 - went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plop, went to investigate but couldn't see anything due to the bloody water (first time that's been an issue). Talked to the doctor, no Cytotec and will check in on Monday. Bloody water during every bathroom visit.
Saturday 1/24 & Sunday 1/25 - bleeding, cramping, still no Advil needed. Bleeding's a little heavier but not too bad.
Monday 1/26 - Heavy bleeding (at work nonetheless) for about an hour. About filled up a maxi-pad. Cramping pretty bad (hello Advil), Started taking 800mg of Advil every eight hours as per the doctor. At that point I was considered to be in active miscarriage mode.
Tuesday 1/27 - I passed the hamburger. I thought the worst was over but had one final jolt and that evening I passed the sac. I wasn't expecting it and it definitely broke me a little bit. I took a photo of it to show our doctor. For the squeamish among us I won't post it but if you want to see it shoot me an email. NOTE: I showed it to our doctor and she was glad I took the photo. After seeing it she was pretty confident I had passed everything. So while I thought it was weird it turned out to be quite helpful!
Wednesday 1/28 - moderate cramping and some bleeding. More emotional issues than physical ones. Took one dose of Advil.
Thursday 1/29 - Tuesday 2/3 - bleeding lessens, cramps stop, no need for Advil.
Wednesday 2/4 - blood turns more brown and is very light.
Thursday 2/5 - same as Wednesday.
Friday 2/6 - first day without a pad. Pretty much ok but had some bleeding after the doctors appointment. Hello again, pad.
Saturday - 2/7 - no pad, no bleeding, just minor light brownish stuff.
Sunday - 2/8 - same as yesterday and I'm feeling pretty confident that all is finished.
So, all in all, from the first sign of red blood to what I considered being complete, my miscarriage was 20 days. I would say I had a few moments of feeling uncomfortable and one moment of legit pain - contractions right before passing the sac - otherwise, it did indeed feel like a more prominent, cramp-y period. I've read several miscarriage recounts where women were told to expect a heavy, cramp-y period only to have something completely opposite so, I do feel lucky that what my doctor told me was the truth.
As I did in a previous post, I'll list my thoughts and feelings in no particular order.
1. I hate that this happened to us. I feel like we've been robbed of happiness for any future pregnancies. Now, when we get pregnant it's going to be mostly worry and anxiety until we reach the "safe zone."
2. Miscarriages are never easy and the level of difficulty certainly increases depending on how far along you are. However, I think experiencing your first pregnancy and having it end in a miscarriage is on another wave length of suckiness.
3. Since my anxiety was heightened right before we found out we would miscarry, there was a very small part of me that was relieved the pregnancy didn't develop. I was very worried about harming our child with my anxiety and when I found out there was no longer a child that could be harmed I was somewhat relieved. I also have guilt for feeling that way.
4. Since our storm started I've been asked a couple times in causal conversations if I have children. That question now has a level of hurt I never thought I'd experience.
5. Seeing infants is currently a little hard. While we were waiting in the office for our appointment on Friday a new mom came in with her very tiny little one. I started to cry while shouting in my heart, "IT'S NOT FAIR!!"
6. When we got done with our appointment I told hubby part of me wanted to high-five him because my body ROCKS and did what it needed to do and took care of itself and did a phenomenal thing in being able to recognize something wasn't right and it needed to take care of it. Our bodies really are amazing instruments and I don't think I ever realized it as much as I do know.
7. Part of me also wanted to just sit there and cry.
8. We had an amazing support system in place. We initially only told very close family and friends about our little one. I was actually advised by someone who knew we would miscarry that next time we got pregnant maybe we shouldn't tell people so early. I didn't have the strength to explain that the reason we told who we told was so that if something happened (which it did) that we would have a strong support system (which we did.) And when we get pregnant again, we'll do the same exact thing.
9. My sister-in-law and I got pregnant around the same time and therefore were both due the same time. We don't see each other very often but we may around Easter and while I'm very, very happy for her and her hubby, I know it's going to be difficult, and that makes me sad.
10. My doctor did the best thing ever (in my humble opinion) when she acknowledged that this was happening to my hubby as well. As hard as this is for us women, our spouses, partners, and significant others have their own difficulties as well for they can't take away the pain or hurt, they just have to watch us go through it and as hard as that is for us, I think being there is just as hard for them.
11. This is my little way of remembering our love bug. Thank you Etsy.
NOTE B: If you're a regular reader some things in this post might be repetitive but I've done that on purpose so that other women reading my story, perhaps for the first time, don't have to go searching through my blog to find answers to their questions.
Ok, here we go...
Well, it's official, I'm now a card-carrying member of the miscarriage club, a group of women I never gave much thought to (I don't mean that to sound harsh) and certainly didn't think I'd become one of, but yet, here I am, one of millions of women who now know a loss so great and so heartbreaking that it's hard to comprehend. Last Friday, hubby and I had our final appointment with our doctor and my body naturally, and more importantly - successfully - miscarried everything (about time we got some good news!). I've got a couple weeks of blood tests to look forward to in order to make sure my pregnancy levels go back to zero, I'll get my period in the next 4-6 weeks, and then in two (probably three) more cycles, we can try again.
Here's how our journey to parenthood started....I had been on the pill for four years for no other reason than to prevent children. Hubby and I decided in early November we were ready to start a family so I finished my pack of pills on November 15 and on December 12, we had a positive pregnancy test. We made our first two pre-natal appointments and continued with life, excited as could be. My symptoms were present but not horrible; dry heaves in the morning while brushing and flossing my teeth, peeing every five minutes, hungry, and tired. NOTE: pregnancy symptoms come and go and every woman has varying degrees. Please don't let a lack of symptoms freak you out like I initially did. More than likely you're fine and just one of the lucky ones. :)
On January 7 (Wednesday) hubby and I went for our meeting with the doctor where we would hear a heartbeat and meet our little love bug. However, that day marked the first of a series of dark clouds....no fetal pole, therefore, no heartbeat. I was only measuring six weeks so the doctor thought I might have ovulated later than expected since I got pregnant right off the pill, so we had a reason to hope. We were told to come back in seven days where at that point a little flutter should be visible. A week later (the 14th) our storm intensified when we were told that had been no growth, no change, no baby, and I would most certainly miscarry. Since my body was showing signs of early miscarriage (the sac had dropped closer to my cervix) I opted to go naturally and my doctor was very ok with my decision. Since I had a blighted ovum I was told to expect a very heavy, crampy period, within the next week or so and if nothing happened I was to take Cytotec which would induce the miscarriage.
I had been having some light brown spotting, cervical mucus, and some light period type cramps for a couple days prior to our appointment on the 14th (NOTE: period type cramps are common and most of the time ok during pregnancy. If you're concerned please call your doctor.) and that pretty much continued until the evening of Sunday, January 18th. I started to not feel so sparky and got some cramping in my abdomen and back. Not enough to take Advil but certainly enough to know they were there. I went to lie down for a bit and when I got up I went to the bathroom and on the tissue was red blood, as opposed to dried up brown blood. It was startling for sure but I took a deep breath, composed myself, went to my husband and told him I thought things had begun. Now, never having been through a miscarriage, and only knowing what I did from message boards and websites (most of the time not a good idea) I had read, I knew I was in for anything from an ok night to feeling like I'm dying. I really didn't know what to expect as each miscarriage is different for each woman.
Turns out, the night was fine. I got up the next morning to more brown dried up blood. I put a call into my doctors office and we made plans to check in daily and if nothing happened by Wednesday they'd call in the Cytotec - an option I was becoming more and more scared of (thank you again message boards.) So here's how the rest of the things went...
Tuesday 1/20 - returned to work, slight bleeding, slight cramping, no Advil needed. Hubby and I had sex (at the recommendation of my doctor) to hopefully get things started.
Wednesday 1/21 - sex worked! More bleeding, more cramping, still no Advil needed. Talked to the doctor's office and they were ok with letting me go without the Cytotec.
Thursday 1/22 - made out ok at work but got another wave of not feeling well. Got home, took a shower and spent the night on the couch, with a heating pad. Cramping, and more bleeding. Bleeding's not heavy nor free flowing but it's more there.
Friday 1/23 - went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plop, went to investigate but couldn't see anything due to the bloody water (first time that's been an issue). Talked to the doctor, no Cytotec and will check in on Monday. Bloody water during every bathroom visit.
Saturday 1/24 & Sunday 1/25 - bleeding, cramping, still no Advil needed. Bleeding's a little heavier but not too bad.
Monday 1/26 - Heavy bleeding (at work nonetheless) for about an hour. About filled up a maxi-pad. Cramping pretty bad (hello Advil), Started taking 800mg of Advil every eight hours as per the doctor. At that point I was considered to be in active miscarriage mode.
Tuesday 1/27 - I passed the hamburger. I thought the worst was over but had one final jolt and that evening I passed the sac. I wasn't expecting it and it definitely broke me a little bit. I took a photo of it to show our doctor. For the squeamish among us I won't post it but if you want to see it shoot me an email. NOTE: I showed it to our doctor and she was glad I took the photo. After seeing it she was pretty confident I had passed everything. So while I thought it was weird it turned out to be quite helpful!
Wednesday 1/28 - moderate cramping and some bleeding. More emotional issues than physical ones. Took one dose of Advil.
Thursday 1/29 - Tuesday 2/3 - bleeding lessens, cramps stop, no need for Advil.
Wednesday 2/4 - blood turns more brown and is very light.
Thursday 2/5 - same as Wednesday.
Friday 2/6 - first day without a pad. Pretty much ok but had some bleeding after the doctors appointment. Hello again, pad.
Saturday - 2/7 - no pad, no bleeding, just minor light brownish stuff.
Sunday - 2/8 - same as yesterday and I'm feeling pretty confident that all is finished.
So, all in all, from the first sign of red blood to what I considered being complete, my miscarriage was 20 days. I would say I had a few moments of feeling uncomfortable and one moment of legit pain - contractions right before passing the sac - otherwise, it did indeed feel like a more prominent, cramp-y period. I've read several miscarriage recounts where women were told to expect a heavy, cramp-y period only to have something completely opposite so, I do feel lucky that what my doctor told me was the truth.
As I did in a previous post, I'll list my thoughts and feelings in no particular order.
1. I hate that this happened to us. I feel like we've been robbed of happiness for any future pregnancies. Now, when we get pregnant it's going to be mostly worry and anxiety until we reach the "safe zone."
2. Miscarriages are never easy and the level of difficulty certainly increases depending on how far along you are. However, I think experiencing your first pregnancy and having it end in a miscarriage is on another wave length of suckiness.
3. Since my anxiety was heightened right before we found out we would miscarry, there was a very small part of me that was relieved the pregnancy didn't develop. I was very worried about harming our child with my anxiety and when I found out there was no longer a child that could be harmed I was somewhat relieved. I also have guilt for feeling that way.
4. Since our storm started I've been asked a couple times in causal conversations if I have children. That question now has a level of hurt I never thought I'd experience.
5. Seeing infants is currently a little hard. While we were waiting in the office for our appointment on Friday a new mom came in with her very tiny little one. I started to cry while shouting in my heart, "IT'S NOT FAIR!!"
6. When we got done with our appointment I told hubby part of me wanted to high-five him because my body ROCKS and did what it needed to do and took care of itself and did a phenomenal thing in being able to recognize something wasn't right and it needed to take care of it. Our bodies really are amazing instruments and I don't think I ever realized it as much as I do know.
7. Part of me also wanted to just sit there and cry.
8. We had an amazing support system in place. We initially only told very close family and friends about our little one. I was actually advised by someone who knew we would miscarry that next time we got pregnant maybe we shouldn't tell people so early. I didn't have the strength to explain that the reason we told who we told was so that if something happened (which it did) that we would have a strong support system (which we did.) And when we get pregnant again, we'll do the same exact thing.
9. My sister-in-law and I got pregnant around the same time and therefore were both due the same time. We don't see each other very often but we may around Easter and while I'm very, very happy for her and her hubby, I know it's going to be difficult, and that makes me sad.
10. My doctor did the best thing ever (in my humble opinion) when she acknowledged that this was happening to my hubby as well. As hard as this is for us women, our spouses, partners, and significant others have their own difficulties as well for they can't take away the pain or hurt, they just have to watch us go through it and as hard as that is for us, I think being there is just as hard for them.
11. This is my little way of remembering our love bug. Thank you Etsy.
12. Hubby and I weathered one hell of a storm and while it changed us, the most important thing is that it did not defeat us.
13. If you're still with me (thank you!) and you're reading this because you're weathering your own storm please know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Remember, you WILL get through this and life will go on and lead you to sunnier skies and brighter days. You're strong, capable, and courageous!
Oh, for those wondering, I made out quite well at the dentist. No major dental work needed and no need to go back until my next check-up in six months, yay! However, I do apparently grind my teeth and have some TMJ issues so off to the physical therapist I go.
Thursday, February 5, 2015
A Rough Couple of Days
I've mentioned before that I struggle a little bit with anxiety. It started about three years ago when I got stuck in an elevator. Since then it comes and goes and feeling somewhat trapped or in a place where I can't easily get out seems to be its biggest trigger (thanks a lot elevator); traffic on highways, airplanes, trains, etc.
It evolved somewhat last year when my mom was going through some major medical issues (hello, colon cancer) and I spent much of 2014 in and out of our local hospitals. Since then, any sort of medical thing seems to bring on feelings on anxiety. Thankfully, I've only had two major anxiety attacks; one when I was in the elevator and the other was when hubby and I were going to get on the turnpike. I freaked out and made him turn around before we got on. That was a horrible day....
I got to the point where, after talking with my doctor, I was prescribed a small dose of anti-anxiety medicine and I have a therapist who I check in with periodically. I've been able to manage things pretty well but every so often the anxiety gets a one-up on me.
Anyway, the last few days I've been having some funny feelings in the right side of my mouth and being the anxious worrywart that I am I immediately think I am in need of a root canal, or to have all my wisdom teeth pulled, or something worse. I was so worried about it I called my dentist office yesterday and asked them to move my my cleaning from the end of the month to whatever they have available.
"Thursday at 2:00pm?"
"Yes, please!"
OF COURSE, my mouth feels better today but I'm somewhat relieved to be getting in their earlier to get my teeth cleaned and checked out - not to mention getting it over with. However, I'm also nervous. My anxiety was pretty high about six months ago (my last dental visit) when I was having a cavity filled. Out of no where I had a minor anxiety attack. I had a hole in my tooth and they were at the point where they were putting those little clippy things in to do God only knows what. I had to have them stop and I was soo scared of not being able to let them finish. Fortunately, I have a wonderful dentist who gave me all the time I needed, didn't leave me alone, allowed me to breathe through it to the point I calmed myself down enough that he was able to finish. Part of me is afraid that's going to happen again.
In addition, hubby and I have what we hope will be our final appointment tomorrow with our OB to make sure I've expelled everything (prayers appreciated). Shouldn't be any surprise that I'm worried I haven't and then who knows what will need to happen. I passed the sac, the bleeding has lessened - although not gone completely - I've no cramping, no fever, and no foul smell to denote an infection, but I still worry.
So, with these two things hanging over my head I've let my emotions get the better of me and have had a rough few days. I've not laid in bed, don't get me wrong. I've gotten up, gone to work, put in an honest day's work, gone to rehearsal, been productive at home, laughed, smiled, and interacted with my peers, etc. It mostly hits me at night before I got to bed. Thankfully, hubby's been there to listen, ease my fears, and tell me that all with be ok, and I know it will be.
It evolved somewhat last year when my mom was going through some major medical issues (hello, colon cancer) and I spent much of 2014 in and out of our local hospitals. Since then, any sort of medical thing seems to bring on feelings on anxiety. Thankfully, I've only had two major anxiety attacks; one when I was in the elevator and the other was when hubby and I were going to get on the turnpike. I freaked out and made him turn around before we got on. That was a horrible day....
I got to the point where, after talking with my doctor, I was prescribed a small dose of anti-anxiety medicine and I have a therapist who I check in with periodically. I've been able to manage things pretty well but every so often the anxiety gets a one-up on me.
Anyway, the last few days I've been having some funny feelings in the right side of my mouth and being the anxious worrywart that I am I immediately think I am in need of a root canal, or to have all my wisdom teeth pulled, or something worse. I was so worried about it I called my dentist office yesterday and asked them to move my my cleaning from the end of the month to whatever they have available.
"Thursday at 2:00pm?"
"Yes, please!"
OF COURSE, my mouth feels better today but I'm somewhat relieved to be getting in their earlier to get my teeth cleaned and checked out - not to mention getting it over with. However, I'm also nervous. My anxiety was pretty high about six months ago (my last dental visit) when I was having a cavity filled. Out of no where I had a minor anxiety attack. I had a hole in my tooth and they were at the point where they were putting those little clippy things in to do God only knows what. I had to have them stop and I was soo scared of not being able to let them finish. Fortunately, I have a wonderful dentist who gave me all the time I needed, didn't leave me alone, allowed me to breathe through it to the point I calmed myself down enough that he was able to finish. Part of me is afraid that's going to happen again.
In addition, hubby and I have what we hope will be our final appointment tomorrow with our OB to make sure I've expelled everything (prayers appreciated). Shouldn't be any surprise that I'm worried I haven't and then who knows what will need to happen. I passed the sac, the bleeding has lessened - although not gone completely - I've no cramping, no fever, and no foul smell to denote an infection, but I still worry.
So, with these two things hanging over my head I've let my emotions get the better of me and have had a rough few days. I've not laid in bed, don't get me wrong. I've gotten up, gone to work, put in an honest day's work, gone to rehearsal, been productive at home, laughed, smiled, and interacted with my peers, etc. It mostly hits me at night before I got to bed. Thankfully, hubby's been there to listen, ease my fears, and tell me that all with be ok, and I know it will be.
I got this for my birthday and wear it everyday. It's as true for me as it is for you.
www.mantraband.com
Monday, February 2, 2015
Winter Cleaning
Back in January of 2014 hubby and I started on the successful journey of home-ownership. We searched and searched and in May settled on a small, three bedroom, one bathroom house built ninety-five years ago. It's a small little place but it was in our price range, in an adorable community, boasted updated windows, roof, and hot water heater, had a fenced-in backyard, and a really cute front porch (my favorite part of the house!). It was in desperate need of some cosmetic work so before we moved in at the end of June we painted EVERY ROOM IN THE HOUSE, ripped up all the carpet, and got the wooden floors cleaned and re-sealed. We moved in and spent the rest of the summer unpacking things, setting up our home, making daily trips to Home Depot, and doing everything else new home owners are supposed to do.
We've gotten every room of the house set up except for the two spare bedrooms. They currently serve as our spillover rooms for everything we didn't know what to do with, couldn't find a place for, and were undecided as to whether we wanted to keep or not. We're turning one room into a little den that houses hubby's movie and DVD collections. It'll be a place were we can go, sit, relax, read, listen to music, put a puzzle together, etc. And at some point hopefully it'll be a little play room. The other bedroom, which we started calling the nursery (now known as the green room), will be cleaned out to hopefully one day serve its intended purpose.
This past Saturday, we worked for a few hours on getting both those rooms cleaned up and ready to go. I worked on the green room and this was the first time since we found out we would miscarry that I spent any significant amount of time in there. We have a rocking chair that my mom used when I was little and I've had the chair with me for years and plan to use it when we have children, but for now it just sits there happily waiting for someone who needs it. Before I started my cleaning I sat down in that big comfy chair and just rocked while looking around at the room and thinking of all the plans that quickly got put on hold. I hugged a blanket that hubby gave me at Christmas (it was addressed to 'mommy and baby' from 'daddy') and teared up.
That's how hubby found me. He came in, gave me a nice little squeeze and a kiss and said his comforting phrase, "we'll be alright." I nodded my head, smiled, got up and started cleaning.
I spent much of the subsequent few hours going through boxes and bags, setting aside things for Goodwill, and consolidating things into storage boxes to be put into the basement. I wish I could tell you we finished and both rooms look great, but I'd be lying. We still have stuff that needs to be sorted and our hallway now houses our "to be donated" pile; but it's a work in progress....much like our lives.
The before photos...
We've gotten every room of the house set up except for the two spare bedrooms. They currently serve as our spillover rooms for everything we didn't know what to do with, couldn't find a place for, and were undecided as to whether we wanted to keep or not. We're turning one room into a little den that houses hubby's movie and DVD collections. It'll be a place were we can go, sit, relax, read, listen to music, put a puzzle together, etc. And at some point hopefully it'll be a little play room. The other bedroom, which we started calling the nursery (now known as the green room), will be cleaned out to hopefully one day serve its intended purpose.
This past Saturday, we worked for a few hours on getting both those rooms cleaned up and ready to go. I worked on the green room and this was the first time since we found out we would miscarry that I spent any significant amount of time in there. We have a rocking chair that my mom used when I was little and I've had the chair with me for years and plan to use it when we have children, but for now it just sits there happily waiting for someone who needs it. Before I started my cleaning I sat down in that big comfy chair and just rocked while looking around at the room and thinking of all the plans that quickly got put on hold. I hugged a blanket that hubby gave me at Christmas (it was addressed to 'mommy and baby' from 'daddy') and teared up.
That's how hubby found me. He came in, gave me a nice little squeeze and a kiss and said his comforting phrase, "we'll be alright." I nodded my head, smiled, got up and started cleaning.
I spent much of the subsequent few hours going through boxes and bags, setting aside things for Goodwill, and consolidating things into storage boxes to be put into the basement. I wish I could tell you we finished and both rooms look great, but I'd be lying. We still have stuff that needs to be sorted and our hallway now houses our "to be donated" pile; but it's a work in progress....much like our lives.
The before photos...
Hubby's room
The green room
After photos coming, hopefully before spring.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
An Emotional Bump in the Road
Well, I finally passed the hamburger. I wouldn't say it necessarily looked like ground meat, more like organ meat but I guess the good news (?) is that I passed it.
I thought we had gotten through the worst of things with a couple days of heavy bleeding and some moderate cramping which I managed with 800mg of Advil, warm showers, and a heating pad. Well, last night we had what I'm assuming was one final jolt before winding things down. I had started to bleed less yesterday and even texted hubby that I thought things were finishing up. I was feeling physically better with more energy. I was still having some residual cramping but I attributed that to all the work my uterus has been doing and it just being worn out and tired. I took another 800mg of Advil and went on with my day.
Yesterday evening I was at a rehearsal when all of a sudden I got this wave of not feeling well. My heart started racing, I got flush, and I felt what I can only describe as minor contractions. Fortunately, I was sitting at the time, and was able to not make it obvious that I was in pain. When I went to stand up I felt something come out of me that I immediately knew was more than just a gush of blood. I was in no position or place to excuse myself to go investigate, plus I knew I was going to need a shower and had nothing with me to temporarily clean myself up so I just continued on thankful for the heavy duty maxi-pad I had on, that rehearsal was winding down, and I could head home soon.
My car ride home was filled with more moderate cramping and waves of bleeding and even though it didn't take me any longer than it normally does, it seemed like one of the longest car rides of my life. When I got home I gave hubby a brief rundown of things and that I needed to go shower and clean myself up. I could see a level of worry in his eyes but he let me go with no further explanation. I got in the bathroom and there it was, not blood, not a clot, what I saw is what I can only guess was the amniotic sac/gestational sac - which at one point would have held and nourished our little one. I felt in some very minuscule, minor way I had given birth. I called hubby up and through tears told him what had happened and asked if he wanted to see it. Morbid? Perhaps, but at one point that was our first child and I got the opportunity to see if and if he wanted to I wasn't going to be the one to take that away from him so I gave him the choice. He opted not to.
He held me in the hallway as I cried and cried and the only reason I broke away was because I felt blood dripping down my leg and I definitely needed to clean up.
I cried through my shower realizing that when I was done I would need to do something with what I had passed. My options were flushing it or throwing it away, neither were things my heart wanted to do but my head knew I had to. As I wrapped it up and put it in the trash I said I was sorry and that we loved him/her, they were very much wanted and we know they're doing well in Heaven. I cried some more as I took the trash outside allowing my head to be louder than my heart echoing what hubby was saying, "It's not our child anymore, but will be again one day soon."
Today I'm more on edge and the slightest things are triggering tears, frustration, and anger. I'm breathing through my day and know it will get better. The bleeding has lessened, I've had no cramping today, no need for Advil, and the light marking the end of the tunnel has gotten brighter.
I thought we had gotten through the worst of things with a couple days of heavy bleeding and some moderate cramping which I managed with 800mg of Advil, warm showers, and a heating pad. Well, last night we had what I'm assuming was one final jolt before winding things down. I had started to bleed less yesterday and even texted hubby that I thought things were finishing up. I was feeling physically better with more energy. I was still having some residual cramping but I attributed that to all the work my uterus has been doing and it just being worn out and tired. I took another 800mg of Advil and went on with my day.
Yesterday evening I was at a rehearsal when all of a sudden I got this wave of not feeling well. My heart started racing, I got flush, and I felt what I can only describe as minor contractions. Fortunately, I was sitting at the time, and was able to not make it obvious that I was in pain. When I went to stand up I felt something come out of me that I immediately knew was more than just a gush of blood. I was in no position or place to excuse myself to go investigate, plus I knew I was going to need a shower and had nothing with me to temporarily clean myself up so I just continued on thankful for the heavy duty maxi-pad I had on, that rehearsal was winding down, and I could head home soon.
My car ride home was filled with more moderate cramping and waves of bleeding and even though it didn't take me any longer than it normally does, it seemed like one of the longest car rides of my life. When I got home I gave hubby a brief rundown of things and that I needed to go shower and clean myself up. I could see a level of worry in his eyes but he let me go with no further explanation. I got in the bathroom and there it was, not blood, not a clot, what I saw is what I can only guess was the amniotic sac/gestational sac - which at one point would have held and nourished our little one. I felt in some very minuscule, minor way I had given birth. I called hubby up and through tears told him what had happened and asked if he wanted to see it. Morbid? Perhaps, but at one point that was our first child and I got the opportunity to see if and if he wanted to I wasn't going to be the one to take that away from him so I gave him the choice. He opted not to.
He held me in the hallway as I cried and cried and the only reason I broke away was because I felt blood dripping down my leg and I definitely needed to clean up.
I cried through my shower realizing that when I was done I would need to do something with what I had passed. My options were flushing it or throwing it away, neither were things my heart wanted to do but my head knew I had to. As I wrapped it up and put it in the trash I said I was sorry and that we loved him/her, they were very much wanted and we know they're doing well in Heaven. I cried some more as I took the trash outside allowing my head to be louder than my heart echoing what hubby was saying, "It's not our child anymore, but will be again one day soon."
Today I'm more on edge and the slightest things are triggering tears, frustration, and anger. I'm breathing through my day and know it will get better. The bleeding has lessened, I've had no cramping today, no need for Advil, and the light marking the end of the tunnel has gotten brighter.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Surviving the "Not-A-Blizzard-For-Us" of 2015
I, like so many of you, woke up this morning slightly disappointed that we didn't get more snow. I, too, was looking forward to a snow day, wrapped up in a blanket, spending the day with hubby on the couch. I noticed that many people on social media were downright angry and trash-talking the meteorologists, which in my opinion, is completely uncalled for. Instead of getting frustrated might I encourage you to look at this a different way.
1. We're only a little over a month into winter and I think Mother Nature has plenty of time to show us her stuff; and I have no doubt she will.
2. Meteorology is not an exact science. From the get-go weather stations were saying that models were all over the place with this storm and every time a run came in it would throw off the whole forecasted prediction. Meteorologists work with the information science gives them and they interpret it the best they can. If you're upset that you over-prepared you did so because you got a heads up from your local weather station. Better to be over prepared than under prepared, right? We joke that meteorology is the only profession that can be wrong 100% of the time and not be fired. Well, it's also the only profession that if you're wrong OR right, you get crucified because you can't please everyone. Also, while most of us spent the last few nights warm and cozy in our beds, the meteorologists were up for days on end with little sleep trying to decipher models and data so they could give us the most accurate information possible in a timely manner.
3. While we "survived the blizzard of 2015" there are people in the New England area who may not be so lucky. So today, take comfort in the fact that you're not out in the bitter cold shoveling feet of snow, you can fairly easily get to where you need to go today with little issue, you have electricity, heat, and hot water....there may be many people up north unable to say the same.
4. If the fact that you didn't get the amount of snow you wanted is the biggest complaint you have today consider yourself lucky! There are many out there fighting battles you know nothing about.
Now, I'm not trying to annoy or offend anytone with this post, just trying to encourage you to look at things another way and get a different perspective. And cheer up, I hear the whispers of another snow storm next Sunday into Monday. :)
PS: My heart does go out to the school kids. If I was still in school and spent the last 24-48 hours hoping for a snow day only to wake up this morning and see nada, zilch, zero, I'd be upset to.
1. We're only a little over a month into winter and I think Mother Nature has plenty of time to show us her stuff; and I have no doubt she will.
2. Meteorology is not an exact science. From the get-go weather stations were saying that models were all over the place with this storm and every time a run came in it would throw off the whole forecasted prediction. Meteorologists work with the information science gives them and they interpret it the best they can. If you're upset that you over-prepared you did so because you got a heads up from your local weather station. Better to be over prepared than under prepared, right? We joke that meteorology is the only profession that can be wrong 100% of the time and not be fired. Well, it's also the only profession that if you're wrong OR right, you get crucified because you can't please everyone. Also, while most of us spent the last few nights warm and cozy in our beds, the meteorologists were up for days on end with little sleep trying to decipher models and data so they could give us the most accurate information possible in a timely manner.
3. While we "survived the blizzard of 2015" there are people in the New England area who may not be so lucky. So today, take comfort in the fact that you're not out in the bitter cold shoveling feet of snow, you can fairly easily get to where you need to go today with little issue, you have electricity, heat, and hot water....there may be many people up north unable to say the same.
4. If the fact that you didn't get the amount of snow you wanted is the biggest complaint you have today consider yourself lucky! There are many out there fighting battles you know nothing about.
Now, I'm not trying to annoy or offend anytone with this post, just trying to encourage you to look at things another way and get a different perspective. And cheer up, I hear the whispers of another snow storm next Sunday into Monday. :)
PS: My heart does go out to the school kids. If I was still in school and spent the last 24-48 hours hoping for a snow day only to wake up this morning and see nada, zilch, zero, I'd be upset to.
Monday, January 26, 2015
Returning to Our Normal
Friday night hubby and I decided to go out for an unofficial date night and went to a favorite place of ours mine which boasts delicious comfort food (chicken pot pie, meatloaf) served by people dressed as if they stepped out of colonial Willamsburg. The chairs and tables are pretty old (and small), the floors are uneven, and sometimes the service can be slow but it's how I pictured a busy, popular pub would be; quaint, rustic, and yummy!
Our dinner adventure started with us being lead to a table surrounded by one broken chair and a seat that would have suited a teenager better than myself but I didn't complain. While hubby switched out his broken seat for one that had all four legs (took two tries) I simply sat down, laughed at the moment, and spent the rest of the evening looking up at my hubby, instead of across. We ordered, were served some warm bread with blueberry butter, and waited for dinner to arrive. As we did, we noticed the room we were in kept getting more empty as people were finishing up and heading home. By the time our dinner arrived we were the only ones in our little room, which was quite nice. Our meals were delicious, and we held hands as we waited for our dessert - peach cobbler a'la mode. After dinner, we headed home as I wasn't feeling fabulous and heard the calling of my heating pad. It was a lovely night and gave us a chance to reconnect.
Saturday was also a good day despite the little bit of snow/slush mix we received the previous night. I was bound and determined NOT to spend the day in the house and since the weather wasn't too bad hubby and I decided to go for a drive. We spent much of the day in the car singing to music, talking and laughing about things, and once again, reconnecting. We got home early evening and spent the rest of the day on the couch just lounging, me once again with my heating pad.
Sunday, hubby had a chance to go out with some friends and while that meant he was going to miss a birthday dinner for my dad I told him to go. The last few weeks have been very hard on us and I've had a couple opportunities to visit with some friends and I didn't want to take that away from hubby as he doesn't get a chance to see his buddies often - and we see my parents quite frequently. I was happy he was able to go and I apparently got some good wife points from his friends.
So, life continues and while we're not out of the woods yet so to speak, we're returning to our normal which, for the time being, is sprinkled with bouts of bleeding and time on the couch wrapped up in blankets covered in a heating bad, and holding hands.
Our dinner adventure started with us being lead to a table surrounded by one broken chair and a seat that would have suited a teenager better than myself but I didn't complain. While hubby switched out his broken seat for one that had all four legs (took two tries) I simply sat down, laughed at the moment, and spent the rest of the evening looking up at my hubby, instead of across. We ordered, were served some warm bread with blueberry butter, and waited for dinner to arrive. As we did, we noticed the room we were in kept getting more empty as people were finishing up and heading home. By the time our dinner arrived we were the only ones in our little room, which was quite nice. Our meals were delicious, and we held hands as we waited for our dessert - peach cobbler a'la mode. After dinner, we headed home as I wasn't feeling fabulous and heard the calling of my heating pad. It was a lovely night and gave us a chance to reconnect.
Saturday was also a good day despite the little bit of snow/slush mix we received the previous night. I was bound and determined NOT to spend the day in the house and since the weather wasn't too bad hubby and I decided to go for a drive. We spent much of the day in the car singing to music, talking and laughing about things, and once again, reconnecting. We got home early evening and spent the rest of the day on the couch just lounging, me once again with my heating pad.
Sunday, hubby had a chance to go out with some friends and while that meant he was going to miss a birthday dinner for my dad I told him to go. The last few weeks have been very hard on us and I've had a couple opportunities to visit with some friends and I didn't want to take that away from hubby as he doesn't get a chance to see his buddies often - and we see my parents quite frequently. I was happy he was able to go and I apparently got some good wife points from his friends.
So, life continues and while we're not out of the woods yet so to speak, we're returning to our normal which, for the time being, is sprinkled with bouts of bleeding and time on the couch wrapped up in blankets covered in a heating bad, and holding hands.
Friday, January 23, 2015
I Get a Pass on the Cytotec....For Now.
Each day things get a little more interesting. Last night I got another wave of physically not feeling right. All day I had been getting increasing cramps in my lower abdomen and in my back. My stomach was not behaving either so I basically felt like crap - thank goodness for the very floral candle in the bathroom at work. I made it through the work day and told hubby that I wasn't feeling too sparky and to not be surprised when he got home if I was sprawled out on the couch or laying in bed. He said not to worry and that he would take care of dinner. I do love that man of mine!
I got home from work, took a shower and let the hot water relax my ever contracting stomach and back, put on clean jammies and made my way to the couch where my heating pad and blankets were waiting for me, ahh.....relief.
Periodically through the night I would have to visit the rest room where I noticed more bleeding and the passing of small clots - probably the size of my pinkie nail surface. I went to bed around 10:00pm and had a fitful night's sleep. This morning I had some more cramping but noticed that it eased up somewhat. Upon my bathroom visit this morning I heard a "plop" and when I went to investigate I couldn't see too much due to the bloody water, so not sure what that was but I took it as a good sign that something passed.
As usual, my doctors office called to check in. I gave them the run down and kindly asked to forgo the Cytotec. They seemed pleased with my progress and said it seemed like I was actively miscarrying so they were alright with my choice. They'll check in with me on Monday and I have a follow up scheduled next Friday.
I'm hoping my body continues to do what it is doing and releases all of what was once our little love bug....which has now been reduced to "remnants of conception". If not, then we may have to revisit the Cytotec versus a D&C conversation.
For now, things are progressing and when I look ahead I see that light which marks the end of the tunnel.
I got home from work, took a shower and let the hot water relax my ever contracting stomach and back, put on clean jammies and made my way to the couch where my heating pad and blankets were waiting for me, ahh.....relief.
Periodically through the night I would have to visit the rest room where I noticed more bleeding and the passing of small clots - probably the size of my pinkie nail surface. I went to bed around 10:00pm and had a fitful night's sleep. This morning I had some more cramping but noticed that it eased up somewhat. Upon my bathroom visit this morning I heard a "plop" and when I went to investigate I couldn't see too much due to the bloody water, so not sure what that was but I took it as a good sign that something passed.
As usual, my doctors office called to check in. I gave them the run down and kindly asked to forgo the Cytotec. They seemed pleased with my progress and said it seemed like I was actively miscarrying so they were alright with my choice. They'll check in with me on Monday and I have a follow up scheduled next Friday.
I'm hoping my body continues to do what it is doing and releases all of what was once our little love bug....which has now been reduced to "remnants of conception". If not, then we may have to revisit the Cytotec versus a D&C conversation.
For now, things are progressing and when I look ahead I see that light which marks the end of the tunnel.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
No, I've Not Passed Anything Hamburger-like
I've been asked that question twice in the last two days which leads me to believe that until I pass something resembling what one turns into a patty, puts between bread, and adds ketchup, my doctor's office isn't going to get off the medical intervention train. Not that I'm complaining....I'm very grateful to have a doctor's office who hasn't given up on me and upon finding out I had an non-viable pregnancy left me to my own defenses. They've called me every day to see how I'm progressing (and feeling emotionally) and today when I stressed my fears and anxieties about taking the Cytotec, they were very understanding and were ok with letting me go with plans to check in with me daily.
I'm bleeding more today but still no heavy flow that the doctor's office is expecting and of course, no hamburger-like tissue to speak of. I'm more consistently cramp-y today but nothing I've needed to take Advil for. Hubby and I had our little interlude last night which I think helped. Might just have to have another one tonight. :)
For now, my doctor is ok with letting me take each day as it comes since things seems to be picking up. Simply praying they continue to do so. I'm not trying to rush my body into doing anything but, seriously, it's time to let go.
The waiting continues.....
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
The Process Has Started
Dear Body,
you are officially on notice! I've done everything I could to prepare you for this pregnancy. No caffeine, no alcohol, healthy foods, lots of water, and pre-natal vitamins. Despite all that, something went wrong and I appreciate you realizing early on that our little one wasn't going to do well and therefore, you stopped the growing process. In return for your favor, I decided to let you do what you're supposed to do and miscarry naturally, on your own terms contrary to the notion that carrying around remnants of our little one for WEEKS doesn't quite sit well with me. Please, please, please let go! If you don't, my doctor is wanting me to take Cytotec which will MAKE YOU let go and put both of us in a decent amount of uncomfortableness.
For both our sakes, please let go and let us both move on.
Since last Wednesday I've been waiting around and trying my absolute best to be patient and let my body do what it's supposed to do. I thought things were starting to progress on Sunday evening when a wave of "not feeling right" came over me, I started cramping, and had a lot of back pain. Turns out, I was right....sort of. I had one episode of bleeding. Afterwards, I geared myself up for a night in the bathroom but that didn't occur. While fitful, I slept in bed and overall had an ok nights' sleep. I woke on Monday thinking, today's the day! Wrong again. I called my doctor to let them know I thought the process was starting but not too much has happened; some cramping, bleeding, back ache, brown mucus-y stuff but nothing major and certainly nothing I could justify waiting at home for.
The nurse I talked with (who has been an absolute Godsend throughout this process) said I may not have a "difficult" miscarriage (meaning hours and hours of heavy bleeding, hemorrhaging, passing out, etc.) and I might only contend with things like that for a couple weeks. We decided I would go back to work the next day (today) as it seems my body was starting to do what I've been waiting for it to do.
I got another phone call today from the doctor's office to check in and while it seems things are kick-starting my doctor wants to call in a prescription for Cytotec if nothing's progressed by Wednesday. I could wait to take the pills till the weekend so I'd be home and not have to take more time off from work. Certainly NOT the way I'd want to spend my weekend. Today I've had some more bleeding but nothing too much out of the ordinary. Almost like the final two days of a period.
I asked if I could do anything to bring on the miscarriage and the nurse said being active might help. Then I said, "While I'm not really in the mood, would sex help?" To which she replied a resounding, "It might!" Apparently, semen contains a chemical that helps to thin out a cervix. (NOTE: I couldn't find any scientific data on Google to majorly support this claim. I also didn't try very hard.)
Therefore, I've put hubby on his own notice that we have an appointment tonight. He's more thatn willing and happy to be of assistance. :) I've been bleeding more today so between that and tonight's interlude I'm hoping it'll get things going in the right direction....without needing medical intervention.
Stay tuned....
you are officially on notice! I've done everything I could to prepare you for this pregnancy. No caffeine, no alcohol, healthy foods, lots of water, and pre-natal vitamins. Despite all that, something went wrong and I appreciate you realizing early on that our little one wasn't going to do well and therefore, you stopped the growing process. In return for your favor, I decided to let you do what you're supposed to do and miscarry naturally, on your own terms contrary to the notion that carrying around remnants of our little one for WEEKS doesn't quite sit well with me. Please, please, please let go! If you don't, my doctor is wanting me to take Cytotec which will MAKE YOU let go and put both of us in a decent amount of uncomfortableness.
For both our sakes, please let go and let us both move on.
Since last Wednesday I've been waiting around and trying my absolute best to be patient and let my body do what it's supposed to do. I thought things were starting to progress on Sunday evening when a wave of "not feeling right" came over me, I started cramping, and had a lot of back pain. Turns out, I was right....sort of. I had one episode of bleeding. Afterwards, I geared myself up for a night in the bathroom but that didn't occur. While fitful, I slept in bed and overall had an ok nights' sleep. I woke on Monday thinking, today's the day! Wrong again. I called my doctor to let them know I thought the process was starting but not too much has happened; some cramping, bleeding, back ache, brown mucus-y stuff but nothing major and certainly nothing I could justify waiting at home for.
The nurse I talked with (who has been an absolute Godsend throughout this process) said I may not have a "difficult" miscarriage (meaning hours and hours of heavy bleeding, hemorrhaging, passing out, etc.) and I might only contend with things like that for a couple weeks. We decided I would go back to work the next day (today) as it seems my body was starting to do what I've been waiting for it to do.
I got another phone call today from the doctor's office to check in and while it seems things are kick-starting my doctor wants to call in a prescription for Cytotec if nothing's progressed by Wednesday. I could wait to take the pills till the weekend so I'd be home and not have to take more time off from work. Certainly NOT the way I'd want to spend my weekend. Today I've had some more bleeding but nothing too much out of the ordinary. Almost like the final two days of a period.
I asked if I could do anything to bring on the miscarriage and the nurse said being active might help. Then I said, "While I'm not really in the mood, would sex help?" To which she replied a resounding, "It might!" Apparently, semen contains a chemical that helps to thin out a cervix. (NOTE: I couldn't find any scientific data on Google to majorly support this claim. I also didn't try very hard.)
Therefore, I've put hubby on his own notice that we have an appointment tonight. He's more thatn willing and happy to be of assistance. :) I've been bleeding more today so between that and tonight's interlude I'm hoping it'll get things going in the right direction....without needing medical intervention.
Stay tuned....
Friday, January 16, 2015
Looking at This as a Practice Run
Even though I've never birthed a baby before I imagine the last minute prep to be similar to that of prepping for a miscarriage.
From what my mommy friends have described feeling in the last few days of labor, they find themselves timing each cramp/contraction, waiting for the loss of the mucus plug, and wondering with each feeling if it's "go time."
The last two days I've been sitting at home waiting for my body to let go of the remains of our little one. With each cramp, pull, tug, and backache I think, is it "go time"? I'm having more brown CM, and with each trip to the bathroom I'm ever watchful for blood and always waiting for that feeling that something just came out of me.
Women giving birth pack for a trip to the hospital; in addition to things for the new arrival, I imagine they also pack pads, a change of clothes, and granny panties.
In preparation for my miscarriage I packed for a trip to the bathroom; pads, trash bags, granny panties. I won't allow our current situation to keep me confined to the house so until I miscarry I'll pack a bag to bring with me on outings; a change of clothes, Advil, trash bags, granny panties. Oh, those dreaded granny panties.
I can't speak to the actual labor or miscarriage, I'll follow up after all is said and done but I imagine the prep to be somewhat similar so with that being said I'm choosing to look at this miscarriage as my practice run to actually giving birth. The only difference is that at the end of my practice run I don't get the grand prize....and that's what still hurts.
From what my mommy friends have described feeling in the last few days of labor, they find themselves timing each cramp/contraction, waiting for the loss of the mucus plug, and wondering with each feeling if it's "go time."
The last two days I've been sitting at home waiting for my body to let go of the remains of our little one. With each cramp, pull, tug, and backache I think, is it "go time"? I'm having more brown CM, and with each trip to the bathroom I'm ever watchful for blood and always waiting for that feeling that something just came out of me.
Women giving birth pack for a trip to the hospital; in addition to things for the new arrival, I imagine they also pack pads, a change of clothes, and granny panties.
In preparation for my miscarriage I packed for a trip to the bathroom; pads, trash bags, granny panties. I won't allow our current situation to keep me confined to the house so until I miscarry I'll pack a bag to bring with me on outings; a change of clothes, Advil, trash bags, granny panties. Oh, those dreaded granny panties.
I can't speak to the actual labor or miscarriage, I'll follow up after all is said and done but I imagine the prep to be somewhat similar so with that being said I'm choosing to look at this miscarriage as my practice run to actually giving birth. The only difference is that at the end of my practice run I don't get the grand prize....and that's what still hurts.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
And Just Like That, It's Over
No growth....no heartbeat....no baby.....
Today we found out our little one indeed stopped growing sometime ago and my body is showing early signs of miscarrying. We had such high hopes and we put a lot of faith into the signs and signals we were getting throughout the week, we had many people praying for us (still do), I said a little prayer before our appointment and asked our angels to surround us with their light, strength, comfort, and encouragement.
When the doctor arrived she immediately wanted to do the ultrasound because that would obviously dictate what conversation we were going to have. So, once again, the pants came off, the stick went in, and the lights went down. I laid there, holding hubby's hand and looking at the screen. I still didn't know exactly what I was looking at but I did know one thing....it didn't look much different than last week; and that's when I knew. I heard the doctor let out a little sigh as she said, "I'm sorry but I don't see any growth or change from last week." I think the hardest part of that moment was seeing my husband deflate. His shoulders rounded and his head went down. I felt like I had let us down in some way. I still do.
Our doctor explained that what she saw was the amniotic sac and the gestational sac, but no baby, thus no heartbeat. Scientifically, my body stopped the process before the baby even developed. In laymans terms, my body built the house but the baby never came home. She also saw some blood and noted the sac moved towards the bottom of my uterus towards my cervix, a sign of an impending miscarriage.
We left with the expectation that my body will naturally miscarry with in the next week. If not, I'm to call and get a prescription for Cytotec, a medication to induce the miscarriage. Once I miscarry, I'll go back a couple weeks later to make sure I expelled everything, hubby and I will wait a few months and then when we're physically and emotionally ready, we'll try again.
I have several thoughts running through my mind and I can't make sense of them all so, for the sake of my sanity, here they are in no particular order....
1. How did we misinterpret all the signs and signals that all is going well? What were we supposed to see?
2. Thinking about this scientifically is what is going to physically get us through this. Since there scientifically was not fetus, we scientifically didn't lose a child and what I'm waiting for will be nothing more than a very heavy, crampy period. Scientifically speaking.
3. Emotionally speaking, we are in the process of losing our first child.
4. I give my body gratitude for recognizing early on that something wasn't right and to continue growing and prepping for this particular baby would not be a good thing. While our loss is hard and we will mourn and grieve for our child, I remember all the mommas-to-be who get to the point in their pregnancy where they see a heartbeat, little tiny legs, eyes, hands, a face....only to have their bodies stop the process afterwards. We hurt. And my heart goes out to those mommas even more so.
5. I have a very small amount of guilt for not being able to sustain this child and thus in the process feel I have let down hubby and have robbed our parents of their opportunity to be grandparents to this little one.
6. I'm nervous about the miscarriage and can only pray that my body will continue to do what it's built to do, that the process is somewhat quick, and I experience no complications.
7. I don't know what I would do without my hubby. We're going through this process together and I need to remember to be there for him as he has been there for me. He wants so bad to take away all the pain and hurt but little does he know that just by sitting with me, holding my hand, telling me he loves me, and that everything will be alright, he makes it better.
8. There was a wave of relief when we found out the news. It certainly wasn't what we wanted to hear but at that point we knew and we could start the journey to grieve and move on. I was surprised that I didn't break down, have a panic attack, or something. I was calm, made it through the conversation with the doctor, listened to everything she said, understood the next steps, and after we left, called the appropriate people to let them know. I did what I had to do; I was strong and capable. And then, when I got home, I laid in my bed and cried. I attribute that strength to our angels.
9. I didn't spend the rest of the day in bed, although part of me wanted to. I spent some time there but came downstairs and sat with hubby. We ate, talked, and watched TV. Occasionally, my mind would wonder too much and I'd start to cry but so far, the crying jags have been brief. My heart hurts and the only way it'll heal is with time.
And finally, I guess our little one wasn't ready to meet us (and that's ok; we'll meet again someday) I found this quote shortly after finding out we were expecting and I kept it...I guess deep down I must have known, "An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And when she closed the book she whispered, 'Too beautiful for earth'."
Today we found out our little one indeed stopped growing sometime ago and my body is showing early signs of miscarrying. We had such high hopes and we put a lot of faith into the signs and signals we were getting throughout the week, we had many people praying for us (still do), I said a little prayer before our appointment and asked our angels to surround us with their light, strength, comfort, and encouragement.
When the doctor arrived she immediately wanted to do the ultrasound because that would obviously dictate what conversation we were going to have. So, once again, the pants came off, the stick went in, and the lights went down. I laid there, holding hubby's hand and looking at the screen. I still didn't know exactly what I was looking at but I did know one thing....it didn't look much different than last week; and that's when I knew. I heard the doctor let out a little sigh as she said, "I'm sorry but I don't see any growth or change from last week." I think the hardest part of that moment was seeing my husband deflate. His shoulders rounded and his head went down. I felt like I had let us down in some way. I still do.
Our doctor explained that what she saw was the amniotic sac and the gestational sac, but no baby, thus no heartbeat. Scientifically, my body stopped the process before the baby even developed. In laymans terms, my body built the house but the baby never came home. She also saw some blood and noted the sac moved towards the bottom of my uterus towards my cervix, a sign of an impending miscarriage.
We left with the expectation that my body will naturally miscarry with in the next week. If not, I'm to call and get a prescription for Cytotec, a medication to induce the miscarriage. Once I miscarry, I'll go back a couple weeks later to make sure I expelled everything, hubby and I will wait a few months and then when we're physically and emotionally ready, we'll try again.
I have several thoughts running through my mind and I can't make sense of them all so, for the sake of my sanity, here they are in no particular order....
1. How did we misinterpret all the signs and signals that all is going well? What were we supposed to see?
2. Thinking about this scientifically is what is going to physically get us through this. Since there scientifically was not fetus, we scientifically didn't lose a child and what I'm waiting for will be nothing more than a very heavy, crampy period. Scientifically speaking.
3. Emotionally speaking, we are in the process of losing our first child.
4. I give my body gratitude for recognizing early on that something wasn't right and to continue growing and prepping for this particular baby would not be a good thing. While our loss is hard and we will mourn and grieve for our child, I remember all the mommas-to-be who get to the point in their pregnancy where they see a heartbeat, little tiny legs, eyes, hands, a face....only to have their bodies stop the process afterwards. We hurt. And my heart goes out to those mommas even more so.
5. I have a very small amount of guilt for not being able to sustain this child and thus in the process feel I have let down hubby and have robbed our parents of their opportunity to be grandparents to this little one.
6. I'm nervous about the miscarriage and can only pray that my body will continue to do what it's built to do, that the process is somewhat quick, and I experience no complications.
7. I don't know what I would do without my hubby. We're going through this process together and I need to remember to be there for him as he has been there for me. He wants so bad to take away all the pain and hurt but little does he know that just by sitting with me, holding my hand, telling me he loves me, and that everything will be alright, he makes it better.
8. There was a wave of relief when we found out the news. It certainly wasn't what we wanted to hear but at that point we knew and we could start the journey to grieve and move on. I was surprised that I didn't break down, have a panic attack, or something. I was calm, made it through the conversation with the doctor, listened to everything she said, understood the next steps, and after we left, called the appropriate people to let them know. I did what I had to do; I was strong and capable. And then, when I got home, I laid in my bed and cried. I attribute that strength to our angels.
9. I didn't spend the rest of the day in bed, although part of me wanted to. I spent some time there but came downstairs and sat with hubby. We ate, talked, and watched TV. Occasionally, my mind would wonder too much and I'd start to cry but so far, the crying jags have been brief. My heart hurts and the only way it'll heal is with time.
And finally, I guess our little one wasn't ready to meet us (and that's ok; we'll meet again someday) I found this quote shortly after finding out we were expecting and I kept it...I guess deep down I must have known, "An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And when she closed the book she whispered, 'Too beautiful for earth'."
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
I Got Hit Over the Head with This One
I'm not a big exerciser. Never have been. Most of my adult life I've gone through spurts of gym memberships, tried running, did the home videos, tried the latest and greatest diet fad, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, shakes, blah, blah, blah. In the end what works best for me is watching what I eat, I love to get out and walk in the warmer weather, and about six months or so ago I started a form of yoga called, Let Your Yoga Dance. It's a very low impact form or exercise that incorporates yoga with free-form movement and dance to songs of every genre. Each class ends with a guided meditation, or savasana for you yogis.
Not going to lie, there's certain level of cheesiness to each class but if you push your inhibitions aside and just go with the purpose of having fun and getting moving, then it's a great form of exercise. And, in my opinion everyone needs a healthy dose of cheesiness every so often.
So, last night I was making dinner before class (wild rice chicken soup for those interested) and while standing over the stove, stirring the soup, I haphazardly asked God for a sign during class that all is ok with our little one. I went about my cooking and when finished I got in the car and drove to yoga. It was the first class of a new series so I had to fill out the health form. I told my instructor that I was expecting and after he hugged me I gave him a brief synopsis of where we are with things, just so he knew.
Class proceeded as it normally does; stretching, yoga poses, dancing, repeat.... As class was winding down our teacher instructed us to find a comfortable place to sit down and listen to what he was going to read. Afterwards, music would start to play and we were invited to get up when we wanted to and move to the music. As I sat, this is what I heard him read -
Not going to lie, there's certain level of cheesiness to each class but if you push your inhibitions aside and just go with the purpose of having fun and getting moving, then it's a great form of exercise. And, in my opinion everyone needs a healthy dose of cheesiness every so often.
So, last night I was making dinner before class (wild rice chicken soup for those interested) and while standing over the stove, stirring the soup, I haphazardly asked God for a sign during class that all is ok with our little one. I went about my cooking and when finished I got in the car and drove to yoga. It was the first class of a new series so I had to fill out the health form. I told my instructor that I was expecting and after he hugged me I gave him a brief synopsis of where we are with things, just so he knew.
Class proceeded as it normally does; stretching, yoga poses, dancing, repeat.... As class was winding down our teacher instructed us to find a comfortable place to sit down and listen to what he was going to read. Afterwards, music would start to play and we were invited to get up when we wanted to and move to the music. As I sat, this is what I heard him read -
A
little baby told God
Hay
I’m kinda scared, don’t really know if
I
wanna go down there.
Because
from here it looks like a little blue ball
But
that’s a great big place and I’m so small.
Why
can’t I just stay here with you?
Did
I make you mad, don’t you want me, too?
And
God say, ‘Oh child, of course I do.
But
there’s somebody special that’s waiting for you.’
So
hush now baby don’t you cry
Cuz
there’s someone down there waiting who’s only goal in life
Is
making sure you’re always going to be alright.
A
loving angel tender tough and strong
It’s
almost time to go and meet your mom.
Now
when she’s talking to you
Make
sure you listen close
Cause
she’s gonna teach everything you’ll ever need to know.
Like
how to mind your manners to love and laugh and dream.
And
she’ll put you on the path that’ll bring you back to me.
So
hush now baby don’t you cry.
Cuz
there’s someone down there waiting who’s only goal in life
Is
making sure you’re always going to be alright.
A
loving angel tender tough and strong
Come
on child it’s time to meet your mom.
As you can imagine I was a bawling mess of a momma at the end. As the song began to play I realized it was the same words set to music. I couldn't bring myself to get up and dance so I just sat there and hugged my belly knowing there's a chance it might be one of the last time I get to hug our little one but praying it was the first of many, many hugs to come. My teacher came over to me, hugged me and whispered that he planned this class before knowing anything about my situation. In other words, this experience was meant to be. God was talking to me.
After class, I asked my teacher who sang the song and he said it's one of Garth Brooks' new songs titled, Mom. (Oh, that Garth Brooks) I also mentioned to him that before class I asked God to give me some sign that all is ok with our little love bug to which he laughed and said, "Well if this isn't it, I don't know what is!" I also thanked God for hearing me and making his answer so clear. I almost felt like he was saying, "Girl, how many signs do you need? I've been giving them to you all week. Sheesh....Take head, know I hear you, and you all are ok."
On my way home I pulled up this performance of the song and listened to it over and over; and cried and cried. It was such a special moment for me and it's very hard to describe the emotional impact it had. I'm just grateful I was able to experience it and have that time with my baby.
We've been getting a variety of signs all week that all is well and we'll know for sure tomorrow; but I'd be remiss if I didn't say I'm still not 100% convinced and I hope God understands that. I'll need to be somewhat guarded tomorrow as we go in there so if we get not great news I'll be somewhat prepared. However, I've spent most of my week in the middle of all is well/all is not well. After last night, I'm 75% towards all is well. And I don't think anyone can fault me for that.
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