NOTE B: If you're a regular reader some things in this post might be repetitive but I've done that on purpose so that other women reading my story, perhaps for the first time, don't have to go searching through my blog to find answers to their questions.
Ok, here we go...
Well, it's official, I'm now a card-carrying member of the miscarriage club, a group of women I never gave much thought to (I don't mean that to sound harsh) and certainly didn't think I'd become one of, but yet, here I am, one of millions of women who now know a loss so great and so heartbreaking that it's hard to comprehend. Last Friday, hubby and I had our final appointment with our doctor and my body naturally, and more importantly - successfully - miscarried everything (about time we got some good news!). I've got a couple weeks of blood tests to look forward to in order to make sure my pregnancy levels go back to zero, I'll get my period in the next 4-6 weeks, and then in two (probably three) more cycles, we can try again.
Here's how our journey to parenthood started....I had been on the pill for four years for no other reason than to prevent children. Hubby and I decided in early November we were ready to start a family so I finished my pack of pills on November 15 and on December 12, we had a positive pregnancy test. We made our first two pre-natal appointments and continued with life, excited as could be. My symptoms were present but not horrible; dry heaves in the morning while brushing and flossing my teeth, peeing every five minutes, hungry, and tired. NOTE: pregnancy symptoms come and go and every woman has varying degrees. Please don't let a lack of symptoms freak you out like I initially did. More than likely you're fine and just one of the lucky ones. :)
On January 7 (Wednesday) hubby and I went for our meeting with the doctor where we would hear a heartbeat and meet our little love bug. However, that day marked the first of a series of dark clouds....no fetal pole, therefore, no heartbeat. I was only measuring six weeks so the doctor thought I might have ovulated later than expected since I got pregnant right off the pill, so we had a reason to hope. We were told to come back in seven days where at that point a little flutter should be visible. A week later (the 14th) our storm intensified when we were told that had been no growth, no change, no baby, and I would most certainly miscarry. Since my body was showing signs of early miscarriage (the sac had dropped closer to my cervix) I opted to go naturally and my doctor was very ok with my decision. Since I had a blighted ovum I was told to expect a very heavy, crampy period, within the next week or so and if nothing happened I was to take Cytotec which would induce the miscarriage.
I had been having some light brown spotting, cervical mucus, and some light period type cramps for a couple days prior to our appointment on the 14th (NOTE: period type cramps are common and most of the time ok during pregnancy. If you're concerned please call your doctor.) and that pretty much continued until the evening of Sunday, January 18th. I started to not feel so sparky and got some cramping in my abdomen and back. Not enough to take Advil but certainly enough to know they were there. I went to lie down for a bit and when I got up I went to the bathroom and on the tissue was red blood, as opposed to dried up brown blood. It was startling for sure but I took a deep breath, composed myself, went to my husband and told him I thought things had begun. Now, never having been through a miscarriage, and only knowing what I did from message boards and websites (most of the time not a good idea) I had read, I knew I was in for anything from an ok night to feeling like I'm dying. I really didn't know what to expect as each miscarriage is different for each woman.
Turns out, the night was fine. I got up the next morning to more brown dried up blood. I put a call into my doctors office and we made plans to check in daily and if nothing happened by Wednesday they'd call in the Cytotec - an option I was becoming more and more scared of (thank you again message boards.) So here's how the rest of the things went...
Tuesday 1/20 - returned to work, slight bleeding, slight cramping, no Advil needed. Hubby and I had sex (at the recommendation of my doctor) to hopefully get things started.
Wednesday 1/21 - sex worked! More bleeding, more cramping, still no Advil needed. Talked to the doctor's office and they were ok with letting me go without the Cytotec.
Thursday 1/22 - made out ok at work but got another wave of not feeling well. Got home, took a shower and spent the night on the couch, with a heating pad. Cramping, and more bleeding. Bleeding's not heavy nor free flowing but it's more there.
Friday 1/23 - went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plop, went to investigate but couldn't see anything due to the bloody water (first time that's been an issue). Talked to the doctor, no Cytotec and will check in on Monday. Bloody water during every bathroom visit.
Saturday 1/24 & Sunday 1/25 - bleeding, cramping, still no Advil needed. Bleeding's a little heavier but not too bad.
Monday 1/26 - Heavy bleeding (at work nonetheless) for about an hour. About filled up a maxi-pad. Cramping pretty bad (hello Advil), Started taking 800mg of Advil every eight hours as per the doctor. At that point I was considered to be in active miscarriage mode.
Tuesday 1/27 - I passed the hamburger. I thought the worst was over but had one final jolt and that evening I passed the sac. I wasn't expecting it and it definitely broke me a little bit. I took a photo of it to show our doctor. For the squeamish among us I won't post it but if you want to see it shoot me an email. NOTE: I showed it to our doctor and she was glad I took the photo. After seeing it she was pretty confident I had passed everything. So while I thought it was weird it turned out to be quite helpful!
Wednesday 1/28 - moderate cramping and some bleeding. More emotional issues than physical ones. Took one dose of Advil.
Thursday 1/29 - Tuesday 2/3 - bleeding lessens, cramps stop, no need for Advil.
Wednesday 2/4 - blood turns more brown and is very light.
Thursday 2/5 - same as Wednesday.
Friday 2/6 - first day without a pad. Pretty much ok but had some bleeding after the doctors appointment. Hello again, pad.
Saturday - 2/7 - no pad, no bleeding, just minor light brownish stuff.
Sunday - 2/8 - same as yesterday and I'm feeling pretty confident that all is finished.
So, all in all, from the first sign of red blood to what I considered being complete, my miscarriage was 20 days. I would say I had a few moments of feeling uncomfortable and one moment of legit pain - contractions right before passing the sac - otherwise, it did indeed feel like a more prominent, cramp-y period. I've read several miscarriage recounts where women were told to expect a heavy, cramp-y period only to have something completely opposite so, I do feel lucky that what my doctor told me was the truth.
As I did in a previous post, I'll list my thoughts and feelings in no particular order.
1. I hate that this happened to us. I feel like we've been robbed of happiness for any future pregnancies. Now, when we get pregnant it's going to be mostly worry and anxiety until we reach the "safe zone."
2. Miscarriages are never easy and the level of difficulty certainly increases depending on how far along you are. However, I think experiencing your first pregnancy and having it end in a miscarriage is on another wave length of suckiness.
3. Since my anxiety was heightened right before we found out we would miscarry, there was a very small part of me that was relieved the pregnancy didn't develop. I was very worried about harming our child with my anxiety and when I found out there was no longer a child that could be harmed I was somewhat relieved. I also have guilt for feeling that way.
4. Since our storm started I've been asked a couple times in causal conversations if I have children. That question now has a level of hurt I never thought I'd experience.
5. Seeing infants is currently a little hard. While we were waiting in the office for our appointment on Friday a new mom came in with her very tiny little one. I started to cry while shouting in my heart, "IT'S NOT FAIR!!"
6. When we got done with our appointment I told hubby part of me wanted to high-five him because my body ROCKS and did what it needed to do and took care of itself and did a phenomenal thing in being able to recognize something wasn't right and it needed to take care of it. Our bodies really are amazing instruments and I don't think I ever realized it as much as I do know.
7. Part of me also wanted to just sit there and cry.
8. We had an amazing support system in place. We initially only told very close family and friends about our little one. I was actually advised by someone who knew we would miscarry that next time we got pregnant maybe we shouldn't tell people so early. I didn't have the strength to explain that the reason we told who we told was so that if something happened (which it did) that we would have a strong support system (which we did.) And when we get pregnant again, we'll do the same exact thing.
9. My sister-in-law and I got pregnant around the same time and therefore were both due the same time. We don't see each other very often but we may around Easter and while I'm very, very happy for her and her hubby, I know it's going to be difficult, and that makes me sad.
10. My doctor did the best thing ever (in my humble opinion) when she acknowledged that this was happening to my hubby as well. As hard as this is for us women, our spouses, partners, and significant others have their own difficulties as well for they can't take away the pain or hurt, they just have to watch us go through it and as hard as that is for us, I think being there is just as hard for them.
11. This is my little way of remembering our love bug. Thank you Etsy.
12. Hubby and I weathered one hell of a storm and while it changed us, the most important thing is that it did not defeat us.
13. If you're still with me (thank you!) and you're reading this because you're weathering your own storm please know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Remember, you WILL get through this and life will go on and lead you to sunnier skies and brighter days. You're strong, capable, and courageous!
Oh, for those wondering, I made out quite well at the dentist. No major dental work needed and no need to go back until my next check-up in six months, yay! However, I do apparently grind my teeth and have some TMJ issues so off to the physical therapist I go.
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