Well, I finally passed the hamburger. I wouldn't say it necessarily looked like ground meat, more like organ meat but I guess the good news (?) is that I passed it.
I thought we had gotten through the worst of things with a couple days of heavy bleeding and some moderate cramping which I managed with 800mg of Advil, warm showers, and a heating pad. Well, last night we had what I'm assuming was one final jolt before winding things down. I had started to bleed less yesterday and even texted hubby that I thought things were finishing up. I was feeling physically better with more energy. I was still having some residual cramping but I attributed that to all the work my uterus has been doing and it just being worn out and tired. I took another 800mg of Advil and went on with my day.
Yesterday evening I was at a rehearsal when all of a sudden I got this wave of not feeling well. My heart started racing, I got flush, and I felt what I can only describe as minor contractions. Fortunately, I was sitting at the time, and was able to not make it obvious that I was in pain. When I went to stand up I felt something come out of me that I immediately knew was more than just a gush of blood. I was in no position or place to excuse myself to go investigate, plus I knew I was going to need a shower and had nothing with me to temporarily clean myself up so I just continued on thankful for the heavy duty maxi-pad I had on, that rehearsal was winding down, and I could head home soon.
My car ride home was filled with more moderate cramping and waves of bleeding and even though it didn't take me any longer than it normally does, it seemed like one of the longest car rides of my life. When I got home I gave hubby a brief rundown of things and that I needed to go shower and clean myself up. I could see a level of worry in his eyes but he let me go with no further explanation. I got in the bathroom and there it was, not blood, not a clot, what I saw is what I can only guess was the amniotic sac/gestational sac - which at one point would have held and nourished our little one. I felt in some very minuscule, minor way I had given birth. I called hubby up and through tears told him what had happened and asked if he wanted to see it. Morbid? Perhaps, but at one point that was our first child and I got the opportunity to see if and if he wanted to I wasn't going to be the one to take that away from him so I gave him the choice. He opted not to.
He held me in the hallway as I cried and cried and the only reason I broke away was because I felt blood dripping down my leg and I definitely needed to clean up.
I cried through my shower realizing that when I was done I would need to do something with what I had passed. My options were flushing it or throwing it away, neither were things my heart wanted to do but my head knew I had to. As I wrapped it up and put it in the trash I said I was sorry and that we loved him/her, they were very much wanted and we know they're doing well in Heaven. I cried some more as I took the trash outside allowing my head to be louder than my heart echoing what hubby was saying, "It's not our child anymore, but will be again one day soon."
Today I'm more on edge and the slightest things are triggering tears, frustration, and anger. I'm breathing through my day and know it will get better. The bleeding has lessened, I've had no cramping today, no need for Advil, and the light marking the end of the tunnel has gotten brighter.
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