No growth....no heartbeat....no baby.....
Today we found out our little one indeed stopped growing sometime ago and my body is showing early signs of miscarrying. We had such high hopes and we put a lot of faith into the signs and signals we were getting throughout the week, we had many people praying for us (still do), I said a little prayer before our appointment and asked our angels to surround us with their light, strength, comfort, and encouragement.
When the doctor arrived she immediately wanted to do the ultrasound because that would obviously dictate what conversation we were going to have. So, once again, the pants came off, the stick went in, and the lights went down. I laid there, holding hubby's hand and looking at the screen. I still didn't know exactly what I was looking at but I did know one thing....it didn't look much different than last week; and that's when I knew. I heard the doctor let out a little sigh as she said, "I'm sorry but I don't see any growth or change from last week." I think the hardest part of that moment was seeing my husband deflate. His shoulders rounded and his head went down. I felt like I had let us down in some way. I still do.
Our doctor explained that what she saw was the amniotic sac and the gestational sac, but no baby, thus no heartbeat. Scientifically, my body stopped the process before the baby even developed. In laymans terms, my body built the house but the baby never came home. She also saw some blood and noted the sac moved towards the bottom of my uterus towards my cervix, a sign of an impending miscarriage.
We left with the expectation that my body will naturally miscarry with in the next week. If not, I'm to call and get a prescription for Cytotec, a medication to induce the miscarriage. Once I miscarry, I'll go back a couple weeks later to make sure I expelled everything, hubby and I will wait a few months and then when we're physically and emotionally ready, we'll try again.
I have several thoughts running through my mind and I can't make sense of them all so, for the sake of my sanity, here they are in no particular order....
1. How did we misinterpret all the signs and signals that all is going well? What were we supposed to see?
2. Thinking about this scientifically is what is going to physically get us through this. Since there scientifically was not fetus, we scientifically didn't lose a child and what I'm waiting for will be nothing more than a very heavy, crampy period. Scientifically speaking.
3. Emotionally speaking, we are in the process of losing our first child.
4. I give my body gratitude for recognizing early on that something wasn't right and to continue growing and prepping for this particular baby would not be a good thing. While our loss is hard and we will mourn and grieve for our child, I remember all the mommas-to-be who get to the point in their pregnancy where they see a heartbeat, little tiny legs, eyes, hands, a face....only to have their bodies stop the process afterwards. We hurt. And my heart goes out to those mommas even more so.
5. I have a very small amount of guilt for not being able to sustain this child and thus in the process feel I have let down hubby and have robbed our parents of their opportunity to be grandparents to this little one.
6. I'm nervous about the miscarriage and can only pray that my body will continue to do what it's built to do, that the process is somewhat quick, and I experience no complications.
7. I don't know what I would do without my hubby. We're going through this process together and I need to remember to be there for him as he has been there for me. He wants so bad to take away all the pain and hurt but little does he know that just by sitting with me, holding my hand, telling me he loves me, and that everything will be alright, he makes it better.
8. There was a wave of relief when we found out the news. It certainly wasn't what we wanted to hear but at that point we knew and we could start the journey to grieve and move on. I was surprised that I didn't break down, have a panic attack, or something. I was calm, made it through the conversation with the doctor, listened to everything she said, understood the next steps, and after we left, called the appropriate people to let them know. I did what I had to do; I was strong and capable. And then, when I got home, I laid in my bed and cried. I attribute that strength to our angels.
9. I didn't spend the rest of the day in bed, although part of me wanted to. I spent some time there but came downstairs and sat with hubby. We ate, talked, and watched TV. Occasionally, my mind would wonder too much and I'd start to cry but so far, the crying jags have been brief. My heart hurts and the only way it'll heal is with time.
And finally, I guess our little one wasn't ready to meet us (and that's ok; we'll meet again someday) I found this quote shortly after finding out we were expecting and I kept it...I guess deep down I must have known, "An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And when she closed the book she whispered, 'Too beautiful for earth'."
Today we found out our little one indeed stopped growing sometime ago and my body is showing early signs of miscarrying. We had such high hopes and we put a lot of faith into the signs and signals we were getting throughout the week, we had many people praying for us (still do), I said a little prayer before our appointment and asked our angels to surround us with their light, strength, comfort, and encouragement.
When the doctor arrived she immediately wanted to do the ultrasound because that would obviously dictate what conversation we were going to have. So, once again, the pants came off, the stick went in, and the lights went down. I laid there, holding hubby's hand and looking at the screen. I still didn't know exactly what I was looking at but I did know one thing....it didn't look much different than last week; and that's when I knew. I heard the doctor let out a little sigh as she said, "I'm sorry but I don't see any growth or change from last week." I think the hardest part of that moment was seeing my husband deflate. His shoulders rounded and his head went down. I felt like I had let us down in some way. I still do.
Our doctor explained that what she saw was the amniotic sac and the gestational sac, but no baby, thus no heartbeat. Scientifically, my body stopped the process before the baby even developed. In laymans terms, my body built the house but the baby never came home. She also saw some blood and noted the sac moved towards the bottom of my uterus towards my cervix, a sign of an impending miscarriage.
We left with the expectation that my body will naturally miscarry with in the next week. If not, I'm to call and get a prescription for Cytotec, a medication to induce the miscarriage. Once I miscarry, I'll go back a couple weeks later to make sure I expelled everything, hubby and I will wait a few months and then when we're physically and emotionally ready, we'll try again.
I have several thoughts running through my mind and I can't make sense of them all so, for the sake of my sanity, here they are in no particular order....
1. How did we misinterpret all the signs and signals that all is going well? What were we supposed to see?
2. Thinking about this scientifically is what is going to physically get us through this. Since there scientifically was not fetus, we scientifically didn't lose a child and what I'm waiting for will be nothing more than a very heavy, crampy period. Scientifically speaking.
3. Emotionally speaking, we are in the process of losing our first child.
4. I give my body gratitude for recognizing early on that something wasn't right and to continue growing and prepping for this particular baby would not be a good thing. While our loss is hard and we will mourn and grieve for our child, I remember all the mommas-to-be who get to the point in their pregnancy where they see a heartbeat, little tiny legs, eyes, hands, a face....only to have their bodies stop the process afterwards. We hurt. And my heart goes out to those mommas even more so.
5. I have a very small amount of guilt for not being able to sustain this child and thus in the process feel I have let down hubby and have robbed our parents of their opportunity to be grandparents to this little one.
6. I'm nervous about the miscarriage and can only pray that my body will continue to do what it's built to do, that the process is somewhat quick, and I experience no complications.
7. I don't know what I would do without my hubby. We're going through this process together and I need to remember to be there for him as he has been there for me. He wants so bad to take away all the pain and hurt but little does he know that just by sitting with me, holding my hand, telling me he loves me, and that everything will be alright, he makes it better.
8. There was a wave of relief when we found out the news. It certainly wasn't what we wanted to hear but at that point we knew and we could start the journey to grieve and move on. I was surprised that I didn't break down, have a panic attack, or something. I was calm, made it through the conversation with the doctor, listened to everything she said, understood the next steps, and after we left, called the appropriate people to let them know. I did what I had to do; I was strong and capable. And then, when I got home, I laid in my bed and cried. I attribute that strength to our angels.
9. I didn't spend the rest of the day in bed, although part of me wanted to. I spent some time there but came downstairs and sat with hubby. We ate, talked, and watched TV. Occasionally, my mind would wonder too much and I'd start to cry but so far, the crying jags have been brief. My heart hurts and the only way it'll heal is with time.
And finally, I guess our little one wasn't ready to meet us (and that's ok; we'll meet again someday) I found this quote shortly after finding out we were expecting and I kept it...I guess deep down I must have known, "An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And when she closed the book she whispered, 'Too beautiful for earth'."
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