I grew up in a rather small immediate family (me, mom, and dad) but had a rather large extended family (lots of aunts, uncles and cousins) and we were very close with both my parents' sides. We would come together several times throughout the year for family reunions, birthdays, picnics, BBQ's, vacations, and more. It was a fun way to grow up and when I look back on my childhood those gatherings are some of my favorite memories. As time passed we all grew up and started going on our paths, people started passing, family gatherings happened less and became more obligatory versus fun and exciting, and life just took on a new direction. My particular journey took me through high school and college and then into the work force. I spent much of my 20's living on my own, working, hanging out with my friends, and being a productive member of society. Many of my cousins took a different path in their 20's - fell in love with their other halves and became parents, our paths continuing to gain more distance.
Most of my life I've had to witness the rise and fall of my parents health; mental and physical. In addition to weight issues I've seen them struggle with diabetes, knee, feet, and shoulder issues, amputations, depression, anger management, cancer, memory issues, and more. The constant health concerns have limited what we've been able to do as a family for many, many years now. I've spent much of my adult years worrying over them both and stressing about how to help and fighting the "bad daughter guilt" I constantly feel. I don't have the kind of relationship with my parents that I wish I had.
When hubby and I started dating and things were getting serious I started to get excited for a lot of reasons but primarily because I not only would have a husband but two sisters-in-law, and a set of in-laws who seemed like amazing people. Now, I'm not saying my in-laws at not amazing, just not what I was anticipating. I was hoping to get that close-knit family feel. I wanted to spend a lot of time with my sisters-in-law and become genuine friends. I wanted to have relationships with my in-laws. Instead, we see them on the holidays and maybe a handful of times throughout the year. That's it.
I don't have any close family and that breaks my heart. I've tried and tried to form relationships and bonds but for reasons that are too numerous to mention and not quite understood things never panned out. I look at my extended family (those who married in their 20's and had children) and often see their photos on social media and it makes me long for the past when we were all close. I'm not jealous and I don't begrudge them having a close knit family, I just mourn what I don't necessarily have. Very much in the same way someone who loses a parent feels upon seeing someone else with theirs. It's not so much jealously, just a reminder of something that no longer is a part of your life.
While I have a wonderful group of friends who are like family the emptiness felt due to the lack of a close-knit family is hard. I don't have siblings so it very much is just me. And I think what's even more difficult to handle is that my children will more than likely grow up without a close-bonded family and I don't know how to make that better. Hubby and I are one thing but I believe there is something to be said for having an extended family who's truly there from the beginning.
If I am coming off sounding anything other than thoughtful I don't mean to. I am very grateful for the family I do have and know that all families, regardless of relationships, have their own struggles. Also, just because the grass seems greener on the other side doesn't mean that's how it looks all the time.
Basically, I'm coming to terms with what I don't have and learning to appreciate what I do.
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