The Road to Motherhood - The Worry Starts Immediately!

As of today, I'm pregnant with my first child and while I wish I could tell you that I'm filled with joy, happiness, and excitement; have been spending every waking moment on Pinterest, working on pregnancy announcements, taking weekly bump photos, and annoying my husband with all things baby, I can not; for my hubby and I are in a state of limbo. Allow me to share with you our story.... 

We decided to start our journey to parenthood in early November with me stopping the pill after four years. We thought we'd spend the next several months tracking my period, and having lots and lots of fun trying to conceive. Turns out, we didn't need to do much tracking at all for we saw the first two little lines noting a positive pregnancy on Friday December 12. Yes, we got pregnant right off the pill. So, if someone tells you it'll take you months, while that may be true, you may also be a fertile Myrtle....you have been warned.

I was scheduled to get my visit from Aunt Flo on December 9 but had no worries when she didn't arrive as I knew it could take some time for my body to get back on it's own schedule and the only reason we found out we were pregnant was because of alcohol. We had a party to attend on December 13 and I wanted to be able to have a glass of wine or three in good conscience so, since Aunt Flo hadn't arrived I wanted to be 100% sure I was ok to indulge.  So, on the 12th, at 5:30am (yes, AM. Hey, I was up so why not?) I got up, went to the bathroom and peed on the stick. Less than 60 seconds later, not one, but two little pink lines showed up indicating I was pregnant! I stood there for a moment wondering what to do and then I did what any wife would do, I went into my bedroom, turned on the lights and woke up hubby out of a dead sleep, told him, "Look!" and shoved the pregnancy test in his face. It took him a moment or two to conceptualize what he was looking at and then we both smiled and I started crying. We were pregnant and our journey to parenthood was underway.

It was confirmed by a blood test that indeed we were expecting out own little bundle of joy. I spent the first few weeks quite elated. I was happy, calm, excited, and looking forward to the next nine months. Hubby and I planned to tell our families at Christmas and I even purchased a "baby on board" shirt to help share our news. We made appointments with an OB/GYN practice and started to talk to my belly. I began to feel early pregnancy symptoms and hubby noticed (and was excited about) the enlargement of my boobs. :) We started to share the news with close family and friends and decided we would wait until after our first ultrasound and the first trimester to make a general announcement to family, and of course, to make it "Facebook Official". Our families were ecstatic, the weeks ticked by, symptoms persisted, conversations with our little love bug took place, and life went on. We counted down the days to January 7 when, at 8 weeks, we would have our first ultrasound, meet our little one, see a little heartbeat, and know that all was going well. That visit was yesterday.

We met our OB who looked young but certainly knew her stuff! We did some brief chatting and I explained that I was a first-time mom with first-time anxieties and she completely understood. She asked me about my own struggle with anxiety and how I was coping (I was on a small dose of anti-anxiety medicine when I got pregnant to which I weaned myself off at the direction of my family doctor). I had been doing quite well but the last few days had seen an increase in my anxiety. I loved that she didn't dismiss it and found it rather important to talk about. She referred me to the emotional wellness clinic at our local hospital and assured me that there are safe meds available should I need to go back on something. The time came to drop my pants and meet our little one. The lights went out, the stick went in (transvaginal ultrasound) and a lot of unrecognizable stuff popped up on the screen. Holding hubby's hand we both waited for the sounds of a heart beat. In the moments of silence that subsequently took place I knew something wasn't right. I asked, "Is all ok?" "Well, you're measuring six weeks instead of eight and I don't see a heartbeat." Ugh....the words no expectant parent wants to hear... The doctor looked around some more and I heard lots and lots of clicking on the computer. That was it. No happy tears upon hearing our love bug's safe, secure, and growing like a weed. No, excitement about our little one's first picture. No, happy phone calls or texts announcing all is well. All we left with was a state of limbo and no definitive answers.

Here's what we do know - I'm measuring six weeks, not eight and it's not uncommon to not see a heartbeat or fetal pole at this stage of the game. The funny thing is that the pill is our saving grace and the only reason we have a glimmer of hope. Since I got preggo right off the pill they have no clear notion of when I actually ovulated. Therefore, I could have done so two weeks later than originally thought. If that's the case, I'm measuring right where I should be. The other scenario is that MY timing is accurate and I AM eight weeks along but the baby stopped growing two weeks ago. We have to wait seven days to have another ultrasound. At that point, if all is going well, there will be a fetal pole and some form of heartbeat. If no growth has taken place then I will have to miscarry...yet another word no expectant parent wants to hear.

So, here we sit, in our state of limbo. We feel as though we can't be excited but yet we have a glimmer of hope, so can't be sad. Therefore, we wait. We continue on with life as normal as we can. Hubby went to work today as did I. It helps to take my mind off things and to give me some level of distraction. It's been hard and the next several days will be agonizing for sure but hubby and I know all will be well and if our little one will do better back in Heaven, we'll find peace with that. If our little one just isn't as far along as we thought, GREAT! All will be well, and we'll continue on with a happy, healthy pregnancy.  And he or she will be grounded once out of utero for causing us such agony and stress - the first of many times I'm sure.