Well, I finally passed the hamburger. I wouldn't say it necessarily looked like ground meat, more like organ meat but I guess the good news (?) is that I passed it.
I thought we had gotten through the worst of things with a couple days of heavy bleeding and some moderate cramping which I managed with 800mg of Advil, warm showers, and a heating pad. Well, last night we had what I'm assuming was one final jolt before winding things down. I had started to bleed less yesterday and even texted hubby that I thought things were finishing up. I was feeling physically better with more energy. I was still having some residual cramping but I attributed that to all the work my uterus has been doing and it just being worn out and tired. I took another 800mg of Advil and went on with my day.
Yesterday evening I was at a rehearsal when all of a sudden I got this wave of not feeling well. My heart started racing, I got flush, and I felt what I can only describe as minor contractions. Fortunately, I was sitting at the time, and was able to not make it obvious that I was in pain. When I went to stand up I felt something come out of me that I immediately knew was more than just a gush of blood. I was in no position or place to excuse myself to go investigate, plus I knew I was going to need a shower and had nothing with me to temporarily clean myself up so I just continued on thankful for the heavy duty maxi-pad I had on, that rehearsal was winding down, and I could head home soon.
My car ride home was filled with more moderate cramping and waves of bleeding and even though it didn't take me any longer than it normally does, it seemed like one of the longest car rides of my life. When I got home I gave hubby a brief rundown of things and that I needed to go shower and clean myself up. I could see a level of worry in his eyes but he let me go with no further explanation. I got in the bathroom and there it was, not blood, not a clot, what I saw is what I can only guess was the amniotic sac/gestational sac - which at one point would have held and nourished our little one. I felt in some very minuscule, minor way I had given birth. I called hubby up and through tears told him what had happened and asked if he wanted to see it. Morbid? Perhaps, but at one point that was our first child and I got the opportunity to see if and if he wanted to I wasn't going to be the one to take that away from him so I gave him the choice. He opted not to.
He held me in the hallway as I cried and cried and the only reason I broke away was because I felt blood dripping down my leg and I definitely needed to clean up.
I cried through my shower realizing that when I was done I would need to do something with what I had passed. My options were flushing it or throwing it away, neither were things my heart wanted to do but my head knew I had to. As I wrapped it up and put it in the trash I said I was sorry and that we loved him/her, they were very much wanted and we know they're doing well in Heaven. I cried some more as I took the trash outside allowing my head to be louder than my heart echoing what hubby was saying, "It's not our child anymore, but will be again one day soon."
Today I'm more on edge and the slightest things are triggering tears, frustration, and anger. I'm breathing through my day and know it will get better. The bleeding has lessened, I've had no cramping today, no need for Advil, and the light marking the end of the tunnel has gotten brighter.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Surviving the "Not-A-Blizzard-For-Us" of 2015
I, like so many of you, woke up this morning slightly disappointed that we didn't get more snow. I, too, was looking forward to a snow day, wrapped up in a blanket, spending the day with hubby on the couch. I noticed that many people on social media were downright angry and trash-talking the meteorologists, which in my opinion, is completely uncalled for. Instead of getting frustrated might I encourage you to look at this a different way.
1. We're only a little over a month into winter and I think Mother Nature has plenty of time to show us her stuff; and I have no doubt she will.
2. Meteorology is not an exact science. From the get-go weather stations were saying that models were all over the place with this storm and every time a run came in it would throw off the whole forecasted prediction. Meteorologists work with the information science gives them and they interpret it the best they can. If you're upset that you over-prepared you did so because you got a heads up from your local weather station. Better to be over prepared than under prepared, right? We joke that meteorology is the only profession that can be wrong 100% of the time and not be fired. Well, it's also the only profession that if you're wrong OR right, you get crucified because you can't please everyone. Also, while most of us spent the last few nights warm and cozy in our beds, the meteorologists were up for days on end with little sleep trying to decipher models and data so they could give us the most accurate information possible in a timely manner.
3. While we "survived the blizzard of 2015" there are people in the New England area who may not be so lucky. So today, take comfort in the fact that you're not out in the bitter cold shoveling feet of snow, you can fairly easily get to where you need to go today with little issue, you have electricity, heat, and hot water....there may be many people up north unable to say the same.
4. If the fact that you didn't get the amount of snow you wanted is the biggest complaint you have today consider yourself lucky! There are many out there fighting battles you know nothing about.
Now, I'm not trying to annoy or offend anytone with this post, just trying to encourage you to look at things another way and get a different perspective. And cheer up, I hear the whispers of another snow storm next Sunday into Monday. :)
PS: My heart does go out to the school kids. If I was still in school and spent the last 24-48 hours hoping for a snow day only to wake up this morning and see nada, zilch, zero, I'd be upset to.
1. We're only a little over a month into winter and I think Mother Nature has plenty of time to show us her stuff; and I have no doubt she will.
2. Meteorology is not an exact science. From the get-go weather stations were saying that models were all over the place with this storm and every time a run came in it would throw off the whole forecasted prediction. Meteorologists work with the information science gives them and they interpret it the best they can. If you're upset that you over-prepared you did so because you got a heads up from your local weather station. Better to be over prepared than under prepared, right? We joke that meteorology is the only profession that can be wrong 100% of the time and not be fired. Well, it's also the only profession that if you're wrong OR right, you get crucified because you can't please everyone. Also, while most of us spent the last few nights warm and cozy in our beds, the meteorologists were up for days on end with little sleep trying to decipher models and data so they could give us the most accurate information possible in a timely manner.
3. While we "survived the blizzard of 2015" there are people in the New England area who may not be so lucky. So today, take comfort in the fact that you're not out in the bitter cold shoveling feet of snow, you can fairly easily get to where you need to go today with little issue, you have electricity, heat, and hot water....there may be many people up north unable to say the same.
4. If the fact that you didn't get the amount of snow you wanted is the biggest complaint you have today consider yourself lucky! There are many out there fighting battles you know nothing about.
Now, I'm not trying to annoy or offend anytone with this post, just trying to encourage you to look at things another way and get a different perspective. And cheer up, I hear the whispers of another snow storm next Sunday into Monday. :)
PS: My heart does go out to the school kids. If I was still in school and spent the last 24-48 hours hoping for a snow day only to wake up this morning and see nada, zilch, zero, I'd be upset to.
Monday, January 26, 2015
Returning to Our Normal
Friday night hubby and I decided to go out for an unofficial date night and went to a favorite place of ours mine which boasts delicious comfort food (chicken pot pie, meatloaf) served by people dressed as if they stepped out of colonial Willamsburg. The chairs and tables are pretty old (and small), the floors are uneven, and sometimes the service can be slow but it's how I pictured a busy, popular pub would be; quaint, rustic, and yummy!
Our dinner adventure started with us being lead to a table surrounded by one broken chair and a seat that would have suited a teenager better than myself but I didn't complain. While hubby switched out his broken seat for one that had all four legs (took two tries) I simply sat down, laughed at the moment, and spent the rest of the evening looking up at my hubby, instead of across. We ordered, were served some warm bread with blueberry butter, and waited for dinner to arrive. As we did, we noticed the room we were in kept getting more empty as people were finishing up and heading home. By the time our dinner arrived we were the only ones in our little room, which was quite nice. Our meals were delicious, and we held hands as we waited for our dessert - peach cobbler a'la mode. After dinner, we headed home as I wasn't feeling fabulous and heard the calling of my heating pad. It was a lovely night and gave us a chance to reconnect.
Saturday was also a good day despite the little bit of snow/slush mix we received the previous night. I was bound and determined NOT to spend the day in the house and since the weather wasn't too bad hubby and I decided to go for a drive. We spent much of the day in the car singing to music, talking and laughing about things, and once again, reconnecting. We got home early evening and spent the rest of the day on the couch just lounging, me once again with my heating pad.
Sunday, hubby had a chance to go out with some friends and while that meant he was going to miss a birthday dinner for my dad I told him to go. The last few weeks have been very hard on us and I've had a couple opportunities to visit with some friends and I didn't want to take that away from hubby as he doesn't get a chance to see his buddies often - and we see my parents quite frequently. I was happy he was able to go and I apparently got some good wife points from his friends.
So, life continues and while we're not out of the woods yet so to speak, we're returning to our normal which, for the time being, is sprinkled with bouts of bleeding and time on the couch wrapped up in blankets covered in a heating bad, and holding hands.
Our dinner adventure started with us being lead to a table surrounded by one broken chair and a seat that would have suited a teenager better than myself but I didn't complain. While hubby switched out his broken seat for one that had all four legs (took two tries) I simply sat down, laughed at the moment, and spent the rest of the evening looking up at my hubby, instead of across. We ordered, were served some warm bread with blueberry butter, and waited for dinner to arrive. As we did, we noticed the room we were in kept getting more empty as people were finishing up and heading home. By the time our dinner arrived we were the only ones in our little room, which was quite nice. Our meals were delicious, and we held hands as we waited for our dessert - peach cobbler a'la mode. After dinner, we headed home as I wasn't feeling fabulous and heard the calling of my heating pad. It was a lovely night and gave us a chance to reconnect.
Saturday was also a good day despite the little bit of snow/slush mix we received the previous night. I was bound and determined NOT to spend the day in the house and since the weather wasn't too bad hubby and I decided to go for a drive. We spent much of the day in the car singing to music, talking and laughing about things, and once again, reconnecting. We got home early evening and spent the rest of the day on the couch just lounging, me once again with my heating pad.
Sunday, hubby had a chance to go out with some friends and while that meant he was going to miss a birthday dinner for my dad I told him to go. The last few weeks have been very hard on us and I've had a couple opportunities to visit with some friends and I didn't want to take that away from hubby as he doesn't get a chance to see his buddies often - and we see my parents quite frequently. I was happy he was able to go and I apparently got some good wife points from his friends.
So, life continues and while we're not out of the woods yet so to speak, we're returning to our normal which, for the time being, is sprinkled with bouts of bleeding and time on the couch wrapped up in blankets covered in a heating bad, and holding hands.
Friday, January 23, 2015
I Get a Pass on the Cytotec....For Now.
Each day things get a little more interesting. Last night I got another wave of physically not feeling right. All day I had been getting increasing cramps in my lower abdomen and in my back. My stomach was not behaving either so I basically felt like crap - thank goodness for the very floral candle in the bathroom at work. I made it through the work day and told hubby that I wasn't feeling too sparky and to not be surprised when he got home if I was sprawled out on the couch or laying in bed. He said not to worry and that he would take care of dinner. I do love that man of mine!
I got home from work, took a shower and let the hot water relax my ever contracting stomach and back, put on clean jammies and made my way to the couch where my heating pad and blankets were waiting for me, ahh.....relief.
Periodically through the night I would have to visit the rest room where I noticed more bleeding and the passing of small clots - probably the size of my pinkie nail surface. I went to bed around 10:00pm and had a fitful night's sleep. This morning I had some more cramping but noticed that it eased up somewhat. Upon my bathroom visit this morning I heard a "plop" and when I went to investigate I couldn't see too much due to the bloody water, so not sure what that was but I took it as a good sign that something passed.
As usual, my doctors office called to check in. I gave them the run down and kindly asked to forgo the Cytotec. They seemed pleased with my progress and said it seemed like I was actively miscarrying so they were alright with my choice. They'll check in with me on Monday and I have a follow up scheduled next Friday.
I'm hoping my body continues to do what it is doing and releases all of what was once our little love bug....which has now been reduced to "remnants of conception". If not, then we may have to revisit the Cytotec versus a D&C conversation.
For now, things are progressing and when I look ahead I see that light which marks the end of the tunnel.
I got home from work, took a shower and let the hot water relax my ever contracting stomach and back, put on clean jammies and made my way to the couch where my heating pad and blankets were waiting for me, ahh.....relief.
Periodically through the night I would have to visit the rest room where I noticed more bleeding and the passing of small clots - probably the size of my pinkie nail surface. I went to bed around 10:00pm and had a fitful night's sleep. This morning I had some more cramping but noticed that it eased up somewhat. Upon my bathroom visit this morning I heard a "plop" and when I went to investigate I couldn't see too much due to the bloody water, so not sure what that was but I took it as a good sign that something passed.
As usual, my doctors office called to check in. I gave them the run down and kindly asked to forgo the Cytotec. They seemed pleased with my progress and said it seemed like I was actively miscarrying so they were alright with my choice. They'll check in with me on Monday and I have a follow up scheduled next Friday.
I'm hoping my body continues to do what it is doing and releases all of what was once our little love bug....which has now been reduced to "remnants of conception". If not, then we may have to revisit the Cytotec versus a D&C conversation.
For now, things are progressing and when I look ahead I see that light which marks the end of the tunnel.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
No, I've Not Passed Anything Hamburger-like
I've been asked that question twice in the last two days which leads me to believe that until I pass something resembling what one turns into a patty, puts between bread, and adds ketchup, my doctor's office isn't going to get off the medical intervention train. Not that I'm complaining....I'm very grateful to have a doctor's office who hasn't given up on me and upon finding out I had an non-viable pregnancy left me to my own defenses. They've called me every day to see how I'm progressing (and feeling emotionally) and today when I stressed my fears and anxieties about taking the Cytotec, they were very understanding and were ok with letting me go with plans to check in with me daily.
I'm bleeding more today but still no heavy flow that the doctor's office is expecting and of course, no hamburger-like tissue to speak of. I'm more consistently cramp-y today but nothing I've needed to take Advil for. Hubby and I had our little interlude last night which I think helped. Might just have to have another one tonight. :)
For now, my doctor is ok with letting me take each day as it comes since things seems to be picking up. Simply praying they continue to do so. I'm not trying to rush my body into doing anything but, seriously, it's time to let go.
The waiting continues.....
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
The Process Has Started
Dear Body,
you are officially on notice! I've done everything I could to prepare you for this pregnancy. No caffeine, no alcohol, healthy foods, lots of water, and pre-natal vitamins. Despite all that, something went wrong and I appreciate you realizing early on that our little one wasn't going to do well and therefore, you stopped the growing process. In return for your favor, I decided to let you do what you're supposed to do and miscarry naturally, on your own terms contrary to the notion that carrying around remnants of our little one for WEEKS doesn't quite sit well with me. Please, please, please let go! If you don't, my doctor is wanting me to take Cytotec which will MAKE YOU let go and put both of us in a decent amount of uncomfortableness.
For both our sakes, please let go and let us both move on.
Since last Wednesday I've been waiting around and trying my absolute best to be patient and let my body do what it's supposed to do. I thought things were starting to progress on Sunday evening when a wave of "not feeling right" came over me, I started cramping, and had a lot of back pain. Turns out, I was right....sort of. I had one episode of bleeding. Afterwards, I geared myself up for a night in the bathroom but that didn't occur. While fitful, I slept in bed and overall had an ok nights' sleep. I woke on Monday thinking, today's the day! Wrong again. I called my doctor to let them know I thought the process was starting but not too much has happened; some cramping, bleeding, back ache, brown mucus-y stuff but nothing major and certainly nothing I could justify waiting at home for.
The nurse I talked with (who has been an absolute Godsend throughout this process) said I may not have a "difficult" miscarriage (meaning hours and hours of heavy bleeding, hemorrhaging, passing out, etc.) and I might only contend with things like that for a couple weeks. We decided I would go back to work the next day (today) as it seems my body was starting to do what I've been waiting for it to do.
I got another phone call today from the doctor's office to check in and while it seems things are kick-starting my doctor wants to call in a prescription for Cytotec if nothing's progressed by Wednesday. I could wait to take the pills till the weekend so I'd be home and not have to take more time off from work. Certainly NOT the way I'd want to spend my weekend. Today I've had some more bleeding but nothing too much out of the ordinary. Almost like the final two days of a period.
I asked if I could do anything to bring on the miscarriage and the nurse said being active might help. Then I said, "While I'm not really in the mood, would sex help?" To which she replied a resounding, "It might!" Apparently, semen contains a chemical that helps to thin out a cervix. (NOTE: I couldn't find any scientific data on Google to majorly support this claim. I also didn't try very hard.)
Therefore, I've put hubby on his own notice that we have an appointment tonight. He's more thatn willing and happy to be of assistance. :) I've been bleeding more today so between that and tonight's interlude I'm hoping it'll get things going in the right direction....without needing medical intervention.
Stay tuned....
you are officially on notice! I've done everything I could to prepare you for this pregnancy. No caffeine, no alcohol, healthy foods, lots of water, and pre-natal vitamins. Despite all that, something went wrong and I appreciate you realizing early on that our little one wasn't going to do well and therefore, you stopped the growing process. In return for your favor, I decided to let you do what you're supposed to do and miscarry naturally, on your own terms contrary to the notion that carrying around remnants of our little one for WEEKS doesn't quite sit well with me. Please, please, please let go! If you don't, my doctor is wanting me to take Cytotec which will MAKE YOU let go and put both of us in a decent amount of uncomfortableness.
For both our sakes, please let go and let us both move on.
Since last Wednesday I've been waiting around and trying my absolute best to be patient and let my body do what it's supposed to do. I thought things were starting to progress on Sunday evening when a wave of "not feeling right" came over me, I started cramping, and had a lot of back pain. Turns out, I was right....sort of. I had one episode of bleeding. Afterwards, I geared myself up for a night in the bathroom but that didn't occur. While fitful, I slept in bed and overall had an ok nights' sleep. I woke on Monday thinking, today's the day! Wrong again. I called my doctor to let them know I thought the process was starting but not too much has happened; some cramping, bleeding, back ache, brown mucus-y stuff but nothing major and certainly nothing I could justify waiting at home for.
The nurse I talked with (who has been an absolute Godsend throughout this process) said I may not have a "difficult" miscarriage (meaning hours and hours of heavy bleeding, hemorrhaging, passing out, etc.) and I might only contend with things like that for a couple weeks. We decided I would go back to work the next day (today) as it seems my body was starting to do what I've been waiting for it to do.
I got another phone call today from the doctor's office to check in and while it seems things are kick-starting my doctor wants to call in a prescription for Cytotec if nothing's progressed by Wednesday. I could wait to take the pills till the weekend so I'd be home and not have to take more time off from work. Certainly NOT the way I'd want to spend my weekend. Today I've had some more bleeding but nothing too much out of the ordinary. Almost like the final two days of a period.
I asked if I could do anything to bring on the miscarriage and the nurse said being active might help. Then I said, "While I'm not really in the mood, would sex help?" To which she replied a resounding, "It might!" Apparently, semen contains a chemical that helps to thin out a cervix. (NOTE: I couldn't find any scientific data on Google to majorly support this claim. I also didn't try very hard.)
Therefore, I've put hubby on his own notice that we have an appointment tonight. He's more thatn willing and happy to be of assistance. :) I've been bleeding more today so between that and tonight's interlude I'm hoping it'll get things going in the right direction....without needing medical intervention.
Stay tuned....
Friday, January 16, 2015
Looking at This as a Practice Run
Even though I've never birthed a baby before I imagine the last minute prep to be similar to that of prepping for a miscarriage.
From what my mommy friends have described feeling in the last few days of labor, they find themselves timing each cramp/contraction, waiting for the loss of the mucus plug, and wondering with each feeling if it's "go time."
The last two days I've been sitting at home waiting for my body to let go of the remains of our little one. With each cramp, pull, tug, and backache I think, is it "go time"? I'm having more brown CM, and with each trip to the bathroom I'm ever watchful for blood and always waiting for that feeling that something just came out of me.
Women giving birth pack for a trip to the hospital; in addition to things for the new arrival, I imagine they also pack pads, a change of clothes, and granny panties.
In preparation for my miscarriage I packed for a trip to the bathroom; pads, trash bags, granny panties. I won't allow our current situation to keep me confined to the house so until I miscarry I'll pack a bag to bring with me on outings; a change of clothes, Advil, trash bags, granny panties. Oh, those dreaded granny panties.
I can't speak to the actual labor or miscarriage, I'll follow up after all is said and done but I imagine the prep to be somewhat similar so with that being said I'm choosing to look at this miscarriage as my practice run to actually giving birth. The only difference is that at the end of my practice run I don't get the grand prize....and that's what still hurts.
From what my mommy friends have described feeling in the last few days of labor, they find themselves timing each cramp/contraction, waiting for the loss of the mucus plug, and wondering with each feeling if it's "go time."
The last two days I've been sitting at home waiting for my body to let go of the remains of our little one. With each cramp, pull, tug, and backache I think, is it "go time"? I'm having more brown CM, and with each trip to the bathroom I'm ever watchful for blood and always waiting for that feeling that something just came out of me.
Women giving birth pack for a trip to the hospital; in addition to things for the new arrival, I imagine they also pack pads, a change of clothes, and granny panties.
In preparation for my miscarriage I packed for a trip to the bathroom; pads, trash bags, granny panties. I won't allow our current situation to keep me confined to the house so until I miscarry I'll pack a bag to bring with me on outings; a change of clothes, Advil, trash bags, granny panties. Oh, those dreaded granny panties.
I can't speak to the actual labor or miscarriage, I'll follow up after all is said and done but I imagine the prep to be somewhat similar so with that being said I'm choosing to look at this miscarriage as my practice run to actually giving birth. The only difference is that at the end of my practice run I don't get the grand prize....and that's what still hurts.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
And Just Like That, It's Over
No growth....no heartbeat....no baby.....
Today we found out our little one indeed stopped growing sometime ago and my body is showing early signs of miscarrying. We had such high hopes and we put a lot of faith into the signs and signals we were getting throughout the week, we had many people praying for us (still do), I said a little prayer before our appointment and asked our angels to surround us with their light, strength, comfort, and encouragement.
When the doctor arrived she immediately wanted to do the ultrasound because that would obviously dictate what conversation we were going to have. So, once again, the pants came off, the stick went in, and the lights went down. I laid there, holding hubby's hand and looking at the screen. I still didn't know exactly what I was looking at but I did know one thing....it didn't look much different than last week; and that's when I knew. I heard the doctor let out a little sigh as she said, "I'm sorry but I don't see any growth or change from last week." I think the hardest part of that moment was seeing my husband deflate. His shoulders rounded and his head went down. I felt like I had let us down in some way. I still do.
Our doctor explained that what she saw was the amniotic sac and the gestational sac, but no baby, thus no heartbeat. Scientifically, my body stopped the process before the baby even developed. In laymans terms, my body built the house but the baby never came home. She also saw some blood and noted the sac moved towards the bottom of my uterus towards my cervix, a sign of an impending miscarriage.
We left with the expectation that my body will naturally miscarry with in the next week. If not, I'm to call and get a prescription for Cytotec, a medication to induce the miscarriage. Once I miscarry, I'll go back a couple weeks later to make sure I expelled everything, hubby and I will wait a few months and then when we're physically and emotionally ready, we'll try again.
I have several thoughts running through my mind and I can't make sense of them all so, for the sake of my sanity, here they are in no particular order....
1. How did we misinterpret all the signs and signals that all is going well? What were we supposed to see?
2. Thinking about this scientifically is what is going to physically get us through this. Since there scientifically was not fetus, we scientifically didn't lose a child and what I'm waiting for will be nothing more than a very heavy, crampy period. Scientifically speaking.
3. Emotionally speaking, we are in the process of losing our first child.
4. I give my body gratitude for recognizing early on that something wasn't right and to continue growing and prepping for this particular baby would not be a good thing. While our loss is hard and we will mourn and grieve for our child, I remember all the mommas-to-be who get to the point in their pregnancy where they see a heartbeat, little tiny legs, eyes, hands, a face....only to have their bodies stop the process afterwards. We hurt. And my heart goes out to those mommas even more so.
5. I have a very small amount of guilt for not being able to sustain this child and thus in the process feel I have let down hubby and have robbed our parents of their opportunity to be grandparents to this little one.
6. I'm nervous about the miscarriage and can only pray that my body will continue to do what it's built to do, that the process is somewhat quick, and I experience no complications.
7. I don't know what I would do without my hubby. We're going through this process together and I need to remember to be there for him as he has been there for me. He wants so bad to take away all the pain and hurt but little does he know that just by sitting with me, holding my hand, telling me he loves me, and that everything will be alright, he makes it better.
8. There was a wave of relief when we found out the news. It certainly wasn't what we wanted to hear but at that point we knew and we could start the journey to grieve and move on. I was surprised that I didn't break down, have a panic attack, or something. I was calm, made it through the conversation with the doctor, listened to everything she said, understood the next steps, and after we left, called the appropriate people to let them know. I did what I had to do; I was strong and capable. And then, when I got home, I laid in my bed and cried. I attribute that strength to our angels.
9. I didn't spend the rest of the day in bed, although part of me wanted to. I spent some time there but came downstairs and sat with hubby. We ate, talked, and watched TV. Occasionally, my mind would wonder too much and I'd start to cry but so far, the crying jags have been brief. My heart hurts and the only way it'll heal is with time.
And finally, I guess our little one wasn't ready to meet us (and that's ok; we'll meet again someday) I found this quote shortly after finding out we were expecting and I kept it...I guess deep down I must have known, "An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And when she closed the book she whispered, 'Too beautiful for earth'."
Today we found out our little one indeed stopped growing sometime ago and my body is showing early signs of miscarrying. We had such high hopes and we put a lot of faith into the signs and signals we were getting throughout the week, we had many people praying for us (still do), I said a little prayer before our appointment and asked our angels to surround us with their light, strength, comfort, and encouragement.
When the doctor arrived she immediately wanted to do the ultrasound because that would obviously dictate what conversation we were going to have. So, once again, the pants came off, the stick went in, and the lights went down. I laid there, holding hubby's hand and looking at the screen. I still didn't know exactly what I was looking at but I did know one thing....it didn't look much different than last week; and that's when I knew. I heard the doctor let out a little sigh as she said, "I'm sorry but I don't see any growth or change from last week." I think the hardest part of that moment was seeing my husband deflate. His shoulders rounded and his head went down. I felt like I had let us down in some way. I still do.
Our doctor explained that what she saw was the amniotic sac and the gestational sac, but no baby, thus no heartbeat. Scientifically, my body stopped the process before the baby even developed. In laymans terms, my body built the house but the baby never came home. She also saw some blood and noted the sac moved towards the bottom of my uterus towards my cervix, a sign of an impending miscarriage.
We left with the expectation that my body will naturally miscarry with in the next week. If not, I'm to call and get a prescription for Cytotec, a medication to induce the miscarriage. Once I miscarry, I'll go back a couple weeks later to make sure I expelled everything, hubby and I will wait a few months and then when we're physically and emotionally ready, we'll try again.
I have several thoughts running through my mind and I can't make sense of them all so, for the sake of my sanity, here they are in no particular order....
1. How did we misinterpret all the signs and signals that all is going well? What were we supposed to see?
2. Thinking about this scientifically is what is going to physically get us through this. Since there scientifically was not fetus, we scientifically didn't lose a child and what I'm waiting for will be nothing more than a very heavy, crampy period. Scientifically speaking.
3. Emotionally speaking, we are in the process of losing our first child.
4. I give my body gratitude for recognizing early on that something wasn't right and to continue growing and prepping for this particular baby would not be a good thing. While our loss is hard and we will mourn and grieve for our child, I remember all the mommas-to-be who get to the point in their pregnancy where they see a heartbeat, little tiny legs, eyes, hands, a face....only to have their bodies stop the process afterwards. We hurt. And my heart goes out to those mommas even more so.
5. I have a very small amount of guilt for not being able to sustain this child and thus in the process feel I have let down hubby and have robbed our parents of their opportunity to be grandparents to this little one.
6. I'm nervous about the miscarriage and can only pray that my body will continue to do what it's built to do, that the process is somewhat quick, and I experience no complications.
7. I don't know what I would do without my hubby. We're going through this process together and I need to remember to be there for him as he has been there for me. He wants so bad to take away all the pain and hurt but little does he know that just by sitting with me, holding my hand, telling me he loves me, and that everything will be alright, he makes it better.
8. There was a wave of relief when we found out the news. It certainly wasn't what we wanted to hear but at that point we knew and we could start the journey to grieve and move on. I was surprised that I didn't break down, have a panic attack, or something. I was calm, made it through the conversation with the doctor, listened to everything she said, understood the next steps, and after we left, called the appropriate people to let them know. I did what I had to do; I was strong and capable. And then, when I got home, I laid in my bed and cried. I attribute that strength to our angels.
9. I didn't spend the rest of the day in bed, although part of me wanted to. I spent some time there but came downstairs and sat with hubby. We ate, talked, and watched TV. Occasionally, my mind would wonder too much and I'd start to cry but so far, the crying jags have been brief. My heart hurts and the only way it'll heal is with time.
And finally, I guess our little one wasn't ready to meet us (and that's ok; we'll meet again someday) I found this quote shortly after finding out we were expecting and I kept it...I guess deep down I must have known, "An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And when she closed the book she whispered, 'Too beautiful for earth'."
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
I Got Hit Over the Head with This One
I'm not a big exerciser. Never have been. Most of my adult life I've gone through spurts of gym memberships, tried running, did the home videos, tried the latest and greatest diet fad, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, shakes, blah, blah, blah. In the end what works best for me is watching what I eat, I love to get out and walk in the warmer weather, and about six months or so ago I started a form of yoga called, Let Your Yoga Dance. It's a very low impact form or exercise that incorporates yoga with free-form movement and dance to songs of every genre. Each class ends with a guided meditation, or savasana for you yogis.
Not going to lie, there's certain level of cheesiness to each class but if you push your inhibitions aside and just go with the purpose of having fun and getting moving, then it's a great form of exercise. And, in my opinion everyone needs a healthy dose of cheesiness every so often.
So, last night I was making dinner before class (wild rice chicken soup for those interested) and while standing over the stove, stirring the soup, I haphazardly asked God for a sign during class that all is ok with our little one. I went about my cooking and when finished I got in the car and drove to yoga. It was the first class of a new series so I had to fill out the health form. I told my instructor that I was expecting and after he hugged me I gave him a brief synopsis of where we are with things, just so he knew.
Class proceeded as it normally does; stretching, yoga poses, dancing, repeat.... As class was winding down our teacher instructed us to find a comfortable place to sit down and listen to what he was going to read. Afterwards, music would start to play and we were invited to get up when we wanted to and move to the music. As I sat, this is what I heard him read -
Not going to lie, there's certain level of cheesiness to each class but if you push your inhibitions aside and just go with the purpose of having fun and getting moving, then it's a great form of exercise. And, in my opinion everyone needs a healthy dose of cheesiness every so often.
So, last night I was making dinner before class (wild rice chicken soup for those interested) and while standing over the stove, stirring the soup, I haphazardly asked God for a sign during class that all is ok with our little one. I went about my cooking and when finished I got in the car and drove to yoga. It was the first class of a new series so I had to fill out the health form. I told my instructor that I was expecting and after he hugged me I gave him a brief synopsis of where we are with things, just so he knew.
Class proceeded as it normally does; stretching, yoga poses, dancing, repeat.... As class was winding down our teacher instructed us to find a comfortable place to sit down and listen to what he was going to read. Afterwards, music would start to play and we were invited to get up when we wanted to and move to the music. As I sat, this is what I heard him read -
A
little baby told God
Hay
I’m kinda scared, don’t really know if
I
wanna go down there.
Because
from here it looks like a little blue ball
But
that’s a great big place and I’m so small.
Why
can’t I just stay here with you?
Did
I make you mad, don’t you want me, too?
And
God say, ‘Oh child, of course I do.
But
there’s somebody special that’s waiting for you.’
So
hush now baby don’t you cry
Cuz
there’s someone down there waiting who’s only goal in life
Is
making sure you’re always going to be alright.
A
loving angel tender tough and strong
It’s
almost time to go and meet your mom.
Now
when she’s talking to you
Make
sure you listen close
Cause
she’s gonna teach everything you’ll ever need to know.
Like
how to mind your manners to love and laugh and dream.
And
she’ll put you on the path that’ll bring you back to me.
So
hush now baby don’t you cry.
Cuz
there’s someone down there waiting who’s only goal in life
Is
making sure you’re always going to be alright.
A
loving angel tender tough and strong
Come
on child it’s time to meet your mom.
As you can imagine I was a bawling mess of a momma at the end. As the song began to play I realized it was the same words set to music. I couldn't bring myself to get up and dance so I just sat there and hugged my belly knowing there's a chance it might be one of the last time I get to hug our little one but praying it was the first of many, many hugs to come. My teacher came over to me, hugged me and whispered that he planned this class before knowing anything about my situation. In other words, this experience was meant to be. God was talking to me.
After class, I asked my teacher who sang the song and he said it's one of Garth Brooks' new songs titled, Mom. (Oh, that Garth Brooks) I also mentioned to him that before class I asked God to give me some sign that all is ok with our little love bug to which he laughed and said, "Well if this isn't it, I don't know what is!" I also thanked God for hearing me and making his answer so clear. I almost felt like he was saying, "Girl, how many signs do you need? I've been giving them to you all week. Sheesh....Take head, know I hear you, and you all are ok."
On my way home I pulled up this performance of the song and listened to it over and over; and cried and cried. It was such a special moment for me and it's very hard to describe the emotional impact it had. I'm just grateful I was able to experience it and have that time with my baby.
We've been getting a variety of signs all week that all is well and we'll know for sure tomorrow; but I'd be remiss if I didn't say I'm still not 100% convinced and I hope God understands that. I'll need to be somewhat guarded tomorrow as we go in there so if we get not great news I'll be somewhat prepared. However, I've spent most of my week in the middle of all is well/all is not well. After last night, I'm 75% towards all is well. And I don't think anyone can fault me for that.
Monday, January 12, 2015
A Strange Level of Comfort
Well, here we are....Monday. In less than forty-eight hours hubby and I will find out how our little love bug is doing and if we'll continue with the pregnancy or have to miscarry. I thought the last several days would be some of the worst I've had to endure but surprisingly I have found a strange level of comfort in them. Not to say we've not struggled here and there, and believe me, there have been a fair amount of tears, but with each passing day the one thing that has remained constant is that level of hope that all is well. Sitting in limbo hasn't been all bad because while there is that percentage of chance that we'll have to miscarry, there is also that percentage that all is well, our little one is developing on schedule, and we were off on our dates. And having that hope to hang onto has provided comfort which has made the last several days much easier than originally anticipated.
I find myself extremely cautiously optimistic that all is well. My symptoms, while never necessarily strong, are still hanging around, and whereas last week I was struggling with some anxiety, I'm currently feeling more relaxed, calm, and ready to face the future. I attribute that to another surge of the good pregnancy hormones. I get some minor, mild cramping followed by bouts of pulling, tugging, stretching, etc. I'm not bleeding, heavily spotting, or severely cramping. Now, I'm not completely naive and know those things can still take place, or not take place, even with a not viable pregnancy; but I chose to take those as somewhat good news.
It's almost like I don't want Wednesday to arrive but, yet I do. If all is well I want to know so I can return back to my state of 100% happy and get out of limbo. Yet, if it's the alternative, that small level of comfort will be taken away. However, if that's our road we'll travel down it together knowing full well that we'll be ok, our little one will be back in Heaven (not a bad place to be), and when the time is right, we'll try again.
We have a lot of people praying for us and several have remarked (hubby included) that they have a feeling all is well. Hubby even said he thinks that on Wednesday the doctor will see our little one flipping her off for doubting his/her ability to grow. If that's the case then we'll definitely have a strong, independent, little one on our hands (with some possible minor anger management issues). Ehh....I could think of worse things to contend with. :)
Friday, January 9, 2015
Google is NOT Your Friend
Usually, Google is my trusted friend, confidant, and resource for everything.
Need a quick pasta recipe? Google.
Can't remember the name of that place that's located in town? Google.
Need directions? Google.
Don't know how to properly spell something? Google.
Basically, if you need to know anything about everything all you have to do is Google it (or Bing, if that's your choice). Now, what they don't tell you when you get pregnant is that Google will turn on you in a heartbeat.
Light spotting or cramping? Miscarriage.
No morning sickness and very little symptoms? Miscarriage.
Pulling or stretching on one side? Ectopic pregnancy.
Feeling really, really sick early on? Get ready for more than one baby.
In hoping for the best yet preparing for the worst in our particular situation, I've once again scared myself shitless by Googling about miscarriages and the pros and cons to a natural miscarriage versus a medicinal one versus a D&C. After reading several posts and message boards about miscarriage horror stories and starting to feel anxious I stopped what I was doing, closed down Google, and vowed to not make any decisions till next Wednesday and if I'm to miscarry, hubby and I will make our decision based on a conversation with our doctor and not what Google says.
In my humble opinion, for their own good, every woman who gets pregnant should have her Google card revoked immediately. Hubby would be the first in line to sign that petition I'm sure!
Here's my advice to my fellow preggo mamas...
1. If you're like me and just can't help yourself, go ahead and Google BUT remember that very few people write about the good things, so you're always more apt to find the horror stories; therefore, take every letter you read with a huge grain of salt.
2. If something is medically happening to you; spotting, heavy cramping, loss of symptoms, not feeling well, etc. CALL YOUR DOCTOR. That's why they are there. I've made several calls into my OB's office and always spoke to a nurse who is way more knowledgeable than some message board and has always helped me feel more calm afterwards. Plus, they have NEVER made me feel silly, stupid, or like I was a bother. (NOTE: If you're being made to feel like that, find a new doctor.)
3. Remember, every pregnancy is different. If your BFF was pregnant before you, spent much of it with her head in the toilet, gained 50lbs, and had a horrible labor, that doesn't mean you will too. Your body is your own and will do it's own thing and when you become pregnant, your little one will do its own thing as well and if that means developing slower or differently than your BFF's little one, so be it.
4. Pregnancy is not an easy time. It's filled with every emotion under the sun and the first three months are the absolute worst. Now, I'm not 100% sure where I'm at with my current pregnancy so all my advice is based off what limited knowledge I've acquired the last several weeks. But I do know, they've not been easy. The feelings, twinges, pulls, cramps, spotting, symptoms, etc. are all new to me and with each one there's always this thought of "Is that supposed to feel like that?" And, as someone with a history of minor anxiety, everything gets amplified.
5. Speaking of anxiety, if you struggle with it, depression, or have any other form of mental issue, please know you are not alone. There is help, and you deserve to have the most wonderful pregnancy experience as the next woman. There are resources and if you need to be on some type of meds, that's ok too. Even though you're carrying around a precious little one, he/she is not the only one that matters. Take care of yourself, make yourself a priority as well and trust that your body, mind, and spirit will get you through so that when your little one does arrive you can be the best mommy ever.
6. Cry if you need to. Nap if it helps. Talk to your spouse, partner, friends, and family. Ask for support and prayers. Utilize the resources at your hospital or birthing clinic and last but not least, trust your body. Women have been birthing babies for eons. It's a natural process that can be quite scary. But, you are not alone, your body knows what to do, there are things available to help you cope, and in the grand scheme of your life the pain, discomfort, uncertainty, fear, and doubt are extremely temporary and will quickly be replaced with a love like no other that will last a lifetime.
7. And once again, for the love of God, DON'T GOOGLE!
Need a quick pasta recipe? Google.
Can't remember the name of that place that's located in town? Google.
Need directions? Google.
Don't know how to properly spell something? Google.
Basically, if you need to know anything about everything all you have to do is Google it (or Bing, if that's your choice). Now, what they don't tell you when you get pregnant is that Google will turn on you in a heartbeat.
Light spotting or cramping? Miscarriage.
No morning sickness and very little symptoms? Miscarriage.
Pulling or stretching on one side? Ectopic pregnancy.
Feeling really, really sick early on? Get ready for more than one baby.
In hoping for the best yet preparing for the worst in our particular situation, I've once again scared myself shitless by Googling about miscarriages and the pros and cons to a natural miscarriage versus a medicinal one versus a D&C. After reading several posts and message boards about miscarriage horror stories and starting to feel anxious I stopped what I was doing, closed down Google, and vowed to not make any decisions till next Wednesday and if I'm to miscarry, hubby and I will make our decision based on a conversation with our doctor and not what Google says.
In my humble opinion, for their own good, every woman who gets pregnant should have her Google card revoked immediately. Hubby would be the first in line to sign that petition I'm sure!
Here's my advice to my fellow preggo mamas...
1. If you're like me and just can't help yourself, go ahead and Google BUT remember that very few people write about the good things, so you're always more apt to find the horror stories; therefore, take every letter you read with a huge grain of salt.
2. If something is medically happening to you; spotting, heavy cramping, loss of symptoms, not feeling well, etc. CALL YOUR DOCTOR. That's why they are there. I've made several calls into my OB's office and always spoke to a nurse who is way more knowledgeable than some message board and has always helped me feel more calm afterwards. Plus, they have NEVER made me feel silly, stupid, or like I was a bother. (NOTE: If you're being made to feel like that, find a new doctor.)
3. Remember, every pregnancy is different. If your BFF was pregnant before you, spent much of it with her head in the toilet, gained 50lbs, and had a horrible labor, that doesn't mean you will too. Your body is your own and will do it's own thing and when you become pregnant, your little one will do its own thing as well and if that means developing slower or differently than your BFF's little one, so be it.
4. Pregnancy is not an easy time. It's filled with every emotion under the sun and the first three months are the absolute worst. Now, I'm not 100% sure where I'm at with my current pregnancy so all my advice is based off what limited knowledge I've acquired the last several weeks. But I do know, they've not been easy. The feelings, twinges, pulls, cramps, spotting, symptoms, etc. are all new to me and with each one there's always this thought of "Is that supposed to feel like that?" And, as someone with a history of minor anxiety, everything gets amplified.
5. Speaking of anxiety, if you struggle with it, depression, or have any other form of mental issue, please know you are not alone. There is help, and you deserve to have the most wonderful pregnancy experience as the next woman. There are resources and if you need to be on some type of meds, that's ok too. Even though you're carrying around a precious little one, he/she is not the only one that matters. Take care of yourself, make yourself a priority as well and trust that your body, mind, and spirit will get you through so that when your little one does arrive you can be the best mommy ever.
6. Cry if you need to. Nap if it helps. Talk to your spouse, partner, friends, and family. Ask for support and prayers. Utilize the resources at your hospital or birthing clinic and last but not least, trust your body. Women have been birthing babies for eons. It's a natural process that can be quite scary. But, you are not alone, your body knows what to do, there are things available to help you cope, and in the grand scheme of your life the pain, discomfort, uncertainty, fear, and doubt are extremely temporary and will quickly be replaced with a love like no other that will last a lifetime.
7. And once again, for the love of God, DON'T GOOGLE!
Thursday, January 8, 2015
The Road to Motherhood - The Worry Starts Immediately!
As of today, I'm pregnant with my first child and while I wish I could tell you that I'm filled with joy, happiness, and excitement; have been spending every waking moment on Pinterest, working on pregnancy announcements, taking weekly bump photos, and annoying my husband with all things baby, I can not; for my hubby and I are in a state of limbo. Allow me to share with you our story....
We decided to start our journey to parenthood in early November with me stopping the pill after four years. We thought we'd spend the next several months tracking my period, and having lots and lots of fun trying to conceive. Turns out, we didn't need to do much tracking at all for we saw the first two little lines noting a positive pregnancy on Friday December 12. Yes, we got pregnant right off the pill. So, if someone tells you it'll take you months, while that may be true, you may also be a fertile Myrtle....you have been warned.
I was scheduled to get my visit from Aunt Flo on December 9 but had no worries when she didn't arrive as I knew it could take some time for my body to get back on it's own schedule and the only reason we found out we were pregnant was because of alcohol. We had a party to attend on December 13 and I wanted to be able to have a glass of wine or three in good conscience so, since Aunt Flo hadn't arrived I wanted to be 100% sure I was ok to indulge. So, on the 12th, at 5:30am (yes, AM. Hey, I was up so why not?) I got up, went to the bathroom and peed on the stick. Less than 60 seconds later, not one, but two little pink lines showed up indicating I was pregnant! I stood there for a moment wondering what to do and then I did what any wife would do, I went into my bedroom, turned on the lights and woke up hubby out of a dead sleep, told him, "Look!" and shoved the pregnancy test in his face. It took him a moment or two to conceptualize what he was looking at and then we both smiled and I started crying. We were pregnant and our journey to parenthood was underway.
It was confirmed by a blood test that indeed we were expecting out own little bundle of joy. I spent the first few weeks quite elated. I was happy, calm, excited, and looking forward to the next nine months. Hubby and I planned to tell our families at Christmas and I even purchased a "baby on board" shirt to help share our news. We made appointments with an OB/GYN practice and started to talk to my belly. I began to feel early pregnancy symptoms and hubby noticed (and was excited about) the enlargement of my boobs. :) We started to share the news with close family and friends and decided we would wait until after our first ultrasound and the first trimester to make a general announcement to family, and of course, to make it "Facebook Official".
Our families were ecstatic, the weeks ticked by, symptoms persisted, conversations with our little love bug took place, and life went on. We counted down the days to January 7 when, at 8 weeks, we would have our first ultrasound, meet our little one, see a little heartbeat, and know that all was going well. That visit was yesterday.
We met our OB who looked young but certainly knew her stuff! We did some brief chatting and I explained that I was a first-time mom with first-time anxieties and she completely understood. She asked me about my own struggle with anxiety and how I was coping (I was on a small dose of anti-anxiety medicine when I got pregnant to which I weaned myself off at the direction of my family doctor). I had been doing quite well but the last few days had seen an increase in my anxiety. I loved that she didn't dismiss it and found it rather important to talk about. She referred me to the emotional wellness clinic at our local hospital and assured me that there are safe meds available should I need to go back on something. The time came to drop my pants and meet our little one. The lights went out, the stick went in (transvaginal ultrasound) and a lot of unrecognizable stuff popped up on the screen. Holding hubby's hand we both waited for the sounds of a heart beat. In the moments of silence that subsequently took place I knew something wasn't right. I asked, "Is all ok?" "Well, you're measuring six weeks instead of eight and I don't see a heartbeat." Ugh....the words no expectant parent wants to hear... The doctor looked around some more and I heard lots and lots of clicking on the computer. That was it. No happy tears upon hearing our love bug's safe, secure, and growing like a weed. No, excitement about our little one's first picture. No, happy phone calls or texts announcing all is well. All we left with was a state of limbo and no definitive answers.
Here's what we do know - I'm measuring six weeks, not eight and it's not uncommon to not see a heartbeat or fetal pole at this stage of the game. The funny thing is that the pill is our saving grace and the only reason we have a glimmer of hope. Since I got preggo right off the pill they have no clear notion of when I actually ovulated. Therefore, I could have done so two weeks later than originally thought. If that's the case, I'm measuring right where I should be. The other scenario is that MY timing is accurate and I AM eight weeks along but the baby stopped growing two weeks ago. We have to wait seven days to have another ultrasound. At that point, if all is going well, there will be a fetal pole and some form of heartbeat. If no growth has taken place then I will have to miscarry...yet another word no expectant parent wants to hear.
So, here we sit, in our state of limbo. We feel as though we can't be excited but yet we have a glimmer of hope, so can't be sad. Therefore, we wait. We continue on with life as normal as we can. Hubby went to work today as did I. It helps to take my mind off things and to give me some level of distraction. It's been hard and the next several days will be agonizing for sure but hubby and I know all will be well and if our little one will do better back in Heaven, we'll find peace with that. If our little one just isn't as far along as we thought, GREAT! All will be well, and we'll continue on with a happy, healthy pregnancy. And he or she will be grounded once out of utero for causing us such agony and stress - the first of many times I'm sure.
We decided to start our journey to parenthood in early November with me stopping the pill after four years. We thought we'd spend the next several months tracking my period, and having lots and lots of fun trying to conceive. Turns out, we didn't need to do much tracking at all for we saw the first two little lines noting a positive pregnancy on Friday December 12. Yes, we got pregnant right off the pill. So, if someone tells you it'll take you months, while that may be true, you may also be a fertile Myrtle....you have been warned.
I was scheduled to get my visit from Aunt Flo on December 9 but had no worries when she didn't arrive as I knew it could take some time for my body to get back on it's own schedule and the only reason we found out we were pregnant was because of alcohol. We had a party to attend on December 13 and I wanted to be able to have a glass of wine or three in good conscience so, since Aunt Flo hadn't arrived I wanted to be 100% sure I was ok to indulge. So, on the 12th, at 5:30am (yes, AM. Hey, I was up so why not?) I got up, went to the bathroom and peed on the stick. Less than 60 seconds later, not one, but two little pink lines showed up indicating I was pregnant! I stood there for a moment wondering what to do and then I did what any wife would do, I went into my bedroom, turned on the lights and woke up hubby out of a dead sleep, told him, "Look!" and shoved the pregnancy test in his face. It took him a moment or two to conceptualize what he was looking at and then we both smiled and I started crying. We were pregnant and our journey to parenthood was underway.
We met our OB who looked young but certainly knew her stuff! We did some brief chatting and I explained that I was a first-time mom with first-time anxieties and she completely understood. She asked me about my own struggle with anxiety and how I was coping (I was on a small dose of anti-anxiety medicine when I got pregnant to which I weaned myself off at the direction of my family doctor). I had been doing quite well but the last few days had seen an increase in my anxiety. I loved that she didn't dismiss it and found it rather important to talk about. She referred me to the emotional wellness clinic at our local hospital and assured me that there are safe meds available should I need to go back on something. The time came to drop my pants and meet our little one. The lights went out, the stick went in (transvaginal ultrasound) and a lot of unrecognizable stuff popped up on the screen. Holding hubby's hand we both waited for the sounds of a heart beat. In the moments of silence that subsequently took place I knew something wasn't right. I asked, "Is all ok?" "Well, you're measuring six weeks instead of eight and I don't see a heartbeat." Ugh....the words no expectant parent wants to hear... The doctor looked around some more and I heard lots and lots of clicking on the computer. That was it. No happy tears upon hearing our love bug's safe, secure, and growing like a weed. No, excitement about our little one's first picture. No, happy phone calls or texts announcing all is well. All we left with was a state of limbo and no definitive answers.
Here's what we do know - I'm measuring six weeks, not eight and it's not uncommon to not see a heartbeat or fetal pole at this stage of the game. The funny thing is that the pill is our saving grace and the only reason we have a glimmer of hope. Since I got preggo right off the pill they have no clear notion of when I actually ovulated. Therefore, I could have done so two weeks later than originally thought. If that's the case, I'm measuring right where I should be. The other scenario is that MY timing is accurate and I AM eight weeks along but the baby stopped growing two weeks ago. We have to wait seven days to have another ultrasound. At that point, if all is going well, there will be a fetal pole and some form of heartbeat. If no growth has taken place then I will have to miscarry...yet another word no expectant parent wants to hear.
So, here we sit, in our state of limbo. We feel as though we can't be excited but yet we have a glimmer of hope, so can't be sad. Therefore, we wait. We continue on with life as normal as we can. Hubby went to work today as did I. It helps to take my mind off things and to give me some level of distraction. It's been hard and the next several days will be agonizing for sure but hubby and I know all will be well and if our little one will do better back in Heaven, we'll find peace with that. If our little one just isn't as far along as we thought, GREAT! All will be well, and we'll continue on with a happy, healthy pregnancy. And he or she will be grounded once out of utero for causing us such agony and stress - the first of many times I'm sure.
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