Returning to Our Normal

Friday night hubby and I decided to go out for an unofficial date night and went to a favorite place of ours mine which boasts delicious comfort food (chicken pot pie, meatloaf) served by people dressed as if they stepped out of colonial Willamsburg.  The chairs and tables are pretty old (and small), the floors are uneven, and sometimes the service can be slow but it's how I pictured a busy, popular pub would be; quaint, rustic, and yummy!

Our dinner adventure started with us being lead to a table surrounded by one broken chair and a seat that would have suited a teenager better than myself but I didn't complain.  While hubby switched out his broken seat for one that had all four legs (took two tries) I simply sat down, laughed at the moment, and spent the rest of the evening looking up at my hubby, instead of across.  We ordered, were served some warm bread with blueberry butter, and waited for dinner to arrive.  As we did, we noticed the room we were in kept getting more empty as people were finishing up and heading home. By the time our dinner arrived we were the only ones in our little room, which was quite nice.  Our meals were delicious, and we held hands as we waited for our dessert - peach cobbler a'la mode.  After dinner, we headed home as I wasn't feeling fabulous and heard the calling of my heating pad.  It was a lovely night and gave us a chance to reconnect.

Saturday was also a good day despite the little bit of snow/slush mix we received the previous night.  I was bound and determined NOT to spend the day in the house and since the weather wasn't too bad hubby and I decided to go for a drive.  We spent much of the day in the car singing to music, talking and laughing about things, and once again, reconnecting.  We got home early evening and spent the rest of the day on the couch just lounging, me once again with my heating pad.

Sunday, hubby had a chance to go out with some friends and while that meant he was going to miss a birthday dinner for my dad I told him to go.  The last few weeks have been very hard on us and I've had a couple opportunities to visit with some friends and I didn't want to take that away from hubby as he doesn't get a chance to see his buddies often - and we see my parents quite frequently.  I was happy he was able to go and I apparently got some good wife points from his friends.  

So, life continues and while we're not out of the woods yet so to speak, we're returning to our normal which, for the time being, is sprinkled with bouts of bleeding and time on the couch wrapped up in blankets covered in a heating bad, and holding hands.

      

I Get a Pass on the Cytotec....For Now.

Each day things get a little more interesting.  Last night I got another wave of physically not feeling right.  All day I had been getting increasing cramps in my lower abdomen and in my back.  My stomach was not behaving either so I basically felt like crap - thank goodness for the very floral candle in the bathroom at work.  I made it through the work day and told hubby that I wasn't feeling too sparky and to not be surprised when he got home if I was sprawled out on the couch or laying in bed.  He said not to worry and that he would take care of dinner.  I do love that man of mine!

I got home from work, took a shower and let the hot water relax my ever contracting stomach and back, put on clean jammies and made my way to the couch where my heating pad and blankets were waiting for me, ahh.....relief.

Periodically through the night I would have to visit the rest room where I noticed more bleeding and the passing of small clots - probably the size of my pinkie nail surface.  I went to bed around 10:00pm and had a fitful night's sleep.  This morning I had some more cramping but noticed that it eased up somewhat.  Upon my bathroom visit this morning I heard a "plop" and when I went to investigate I couldn't see too much due to the bloody water, so not sure what that was but I took it as a good sign that something passed.

As usual, my doctors office called to check in. I gave them the run down and kindly asked to forgo the Cytotec.  They seemed pleased with my progress and said it seemed like I was actively miscarrying so they were alright with my choice.  They'll check in with me on Monday and I have a follow up scheduled next Friday.

I'm hoping my body continues to do what it is doing and releases all of what was once our little love bug....which has now been reduced to "remnants of conception".  If not, then we may have to revisit the Cytotec versus a D&C conversation.

For now, things are progressing and when I look ahead I see that light which marks the end of the tunnel.

No, I've Not Passed Anything Hamburger-like

I've been asked that question twice in the last two days which leads me to believe that until I pass something resembling what one turns into a patty, puts between bread, and adds ketchup, my doctor's office isn't going to get off the medical intervention train.  Not that I'm complaining....I'm very grateful to have a doctor's office who hasn't given up on me and upon finding out I had an non-viable pregnancy left me to my own defenses.  They've called me every day to see how I'm progressing (and feeling emotionally) and today when I stressed my fears and anxieties about taking the Cytotec, they were very understanding and were ok with letting me go with plans to check in with me daily.  

I'm bleeding more today but still no heavy flow that the doctor's office is expecting and of course, no hamburger-like tissue to speak of.  I'm more consistently cramp-y today but nothing I've needed to take Advil for.  Hubby and I had our little interlude last night which I think helped.  Might just have to have another one tonight.  :)  

For now, my doctor is ok with letting me take each day as it comes since things seems to be picking up.  Simply praying they continue to do so.  I'm not trying to rush my body into doing anything but, seriously, it's time to let go.  

The waiting continues..... 

The Process Has Started

Dear Body, 

you are officially on notice!  I've done everything I could to prepare you for this pregnancy.  No caffeine, no alcohol, healthy foods, lots of water, and pre-natal vitamins.  Despite all that, something went wrong and I appreciate you realizing early on that our little one wasn't going to do well and therefore, you stopped the growing process.  In return for your favor, I decided to let you do what you're supposed to do and miscarry naturally, on your own terms contrary to the notion that carrying around remnants of our little one for WEEKS doesn't quite sit well with me.  Please, please, please let go! If you don't, my doctor is wanting me to take Cytotec which will MAKE YOU let go and put both of us in a decent amount of uncomfortableness.  

For both our sakes, please let go and let us both move on.    

Since last Wednesday I've been waiting around and trying my absolute best to be patient and let my body do what it's supposed to do.  I thought things were starting to progress on Sunday evening when a wave of "not feeling right" came over me, I started cramping, and had a lot of back pain.  Turns out, I was right....sort of.  I had one episode of bleeding.  Afterwards, I geared myself up for a night in the bathroom but that didn't occur.  While fitful, I slept in bed and overall had an ok nights' sleep.  I woke on Monday thinking, today's the day!  Wrong again.  I called my doctor to let them know I thought the process was starting but not too much has happened; some cramping, bleeding, back ache, brown mucus-y stuff but nothing major and certainly nothing I could justify waiting at home for.

The nurse I talked with (who has been an absolute Godsend throughout this process) said I may not have a "difficult" miscarriage (meaning hours and hours of heavy bleeding, hemorrhaging, passing out, etc.) and I might only contend with things like that for a couple weeks.  We decided I would go back to work the next day (today) as it seems my body was starting to do what I've been waiting for it to do.

I got another phone call today from the doctor's office to check in and while it seems things are kick-starting my doctor wants to call in a prescription for Cytotec if nothing's progressed by Wednesday.  I could wait to take the pills till the weekend so I'd be home and not have to take more time off from work.  Certainly NOT the way I'd want to spend my weekend.  Today I've had some more bleeding but nothing too much out of the ordinary.  Almost like the final two days of a period.

I asked if I could do anything to bring on the miscarriage and the nurse said being active might help.  Then I said, "While I'm not really in the mood, would sex help?"  To which she replied a resounding, "It might!"  Apparently, semen contains a chemical that helps to thin out a cervix.  (NOTE: I couldn't find any scientific data on Google to majorly support this claim.  I also didn't try very hard.)

Therefore, I've put hubby on his own notice that we have an appointment tonight.  He's more thatn willing and happy to be of assistance.  :)  I've been bleeding more today so between that and tonight's interlude I'm hoping it'll get things going in the right direction....without needing medical intervention.

Stay tuned....

Looking at This as a Practice Run

Even though I've never birthed a baby before I imagine the last minute prep to be similar to that of prepping for a miscarriage.

From what my mommy friends have described feeling in the last few days of labor, they find themselves timing each cramp/contraction, waiting for the loss of the mucus plug, and wondering with each feeling if it's "go time."

The last two days I've been sitting at home waiting for my body to let go of the remains of our little one.  With each cramp, pull, tug, and backache I think, is it "go time"?  I'm having more brown CM, and with each trip to the bathroom I'm ever watchful for blood and always waiting for that feeling that something just came out of me.

Women giving birth pack for a trip to the hospital; in addition to things for the new arrival, I imagine they also pack pads, a change of clothes, and granny panties.

In preparation for my miscarriage I packed for a trip to the bathroom; pads, trash bags, granny panties.  I won't allow our current situation to keep me confined to the house so until I miscarry I'll pack a bag to bring with me on outings; a change of clothes, Advil, trash bags, granny panties.  Oh, those dreaded granny panties.

I can't speak to the actual labor or miscarriage, I'll follow up after all is said and done but I imagine the prep to be somewhat similar so with that being said I'm choosing to look at this miscarriage as my practice run to actually giving birth.  The only difference is that at the end of my practice run I don't get the grand prize....and that's what still hurts.

And Just Like That, It's Over

No growth....no heartbeat....no baby.....

Today we found out our little one indeed stopped growing sometime ago and my body is showing early signs of miscarrying.  We had such high hopes and we put a lot of faith into the signs and signals we were getting throughout the week, we had many people praying for us (still do), I said a little prayer before our appointment and asked our angels to surround us with their light, strength, comfort, and encouragement.

When the doctor arrived she immediately wanted to do the ultrasound because that would obviously dictate what conversation we were going to have.  So, once again, the pants came off, the stick went in, and the lights went down.  I laid there, holding hubby's hand and looking at the screen.  I still didn't know exactly what I was looking at but I did know one thing....it didn't look much different than last week; and that's when I knew.  I heard the doctor let out a little sigh as she said, "I'm sorry but I don't see any growth or change from last week."  I think the hardest part of that moment was seeing my husband deflate.  His shoulders rounded and his head went down.  I felt like I had let us down in some way.  I still do.

Our doctor explained that what she saw was the amniotic sac and the gestational sac, but no baby, thus no heartbeat.  Scientifically, my body stopped the process before the baby even developed.  In laymans terms, my body built the house but the baby never came home.  She also saw some blood and noted the sac moved towards the bottom of my uterus towards my cervix, a sign of an impending miscarriage.

We left with the expectation that my body will naturally miscarry with in the next week.  If not, I'm to call and get a prescription for Cytotec, a medication to induce the miscarriage.  Once I miscarry, I'll go back a couple weeks later to make sure I expelled everything, hubby and I will wait a few months and then when we're physically and emotionally ready, we'll try again.

I have several thoughts running through my mind and I can't make sense of them all so, for the sake of my sanity, here they are in no particular order....

1.  How did we misinterpret all the signs and signals that all is going well?  What were we supposed to see?

2.  Thinking about this scientifically is what is going to physically get us through this.  Since there scientifically was not fetus, we scientifically didn't lose a child and what I'm waiting for will be nothing more than a very heavy, crampy period.  Scientifically speaking.

3.  Emotionally speaking, we are in the process of losing our first child.

4.  I give my body gratitude for recognizing early on that something wasn't right and to continue growing and prepping for this particular baby would not be a good thing.  While our loss is hard and we will mourn and grieve for our child, I remember all the mommas-to-be who get to the point in their pregnancy where they see a heartbeat, little tiny legs, eyes, hands, a face....only to have their bodies stop the process afterwards.  We hurt.  And my heart goes out to those mommas even more so.

5.  I have a very small amount of guilt for not being able to sustain this child and thus in the process feel I have let down hubby and have robbed our parents of their opportunity to be grandparents to this little one.

6.  I'm nervous about the miscarriage and can only pray that my body will continue to do what it's built to do, that the process is somewhat quick, and I experience no complications.

7.  I don't know what I would do without my hubby.  We're going through this process together and I need to remember to be there for him as he has been there for me.  He wants so bad to take away all the pain and hurt but little does he know that just by sitting with me, holding my hand, telling me he loves me, and that everything will be alright, he makes it better.

8.  There was a wave of relief when we found out the news.  It certainly wasn't what we wanted to hear but at that point we knew and we could start the journey to grieve and move on.  I was surprised that I didn't break down, have a panic attack, or something.  I was calm, made it through the conversation with the doctor, listened to everything she said, understood the next steps, and after we left, called the appropriate people to let them know.  I did what I had to do; I was strong and capable.  And then, when I got home, I laid in my bed and cried.  I attribute that strength to our angels.  

9.  I didn't spend the rest of the day in bed, although part of me wanted to.  I spent some time there but came downstairs and sat with hubby.  We ate, talked, and watched TV.  Occasionally, my mind would wonder too much and I'd start to cry but so far, the crying jags have been brief.  My heart hurts and the only way it'll heal is with time.

And finally, I guess our little one wasn't ready to meet us (and that's ok; we'll meet again someday)  I found this quote shortly after finding out we were expecting and I kept it...I guess deep down I must have known, "An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.  And when she closed the book she whispered, 'Too beautiful for earth'."

I Got Hit Over the Head with This One

I'm not a big exerciser.  Never have been.  Most of my adult life I've gone through spurts of gym memberships, tried running, did the home videos, tried the latest and greatest diet fad, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, shakes, blah, blah, blah.  In the end what works best for me is watching what I eat, I love to get out and walk in the warmer weather, and about six months or so ago I started a form of yoga called, Let Your Yoga Dance.  It's a very low impact form or exercise that incorporates yoga with free-form movement and dance to songs of every genre.  Each class ends with a guided meditation, or savasana for you yogis.  

Not going to lie, there's certain level of cheesiness to each class but if you push your inhibitions aside and just go with the purpose of having fun and getting moving, then it's a great form of exercise.  And, in my opinion everyone needs a healthy dose of cheesiness every so often.

So, last night I was making dinner before class (wild rice chicken soup for those interested) and while standing over the stove, stirring the soup, I haphazardly asked God for a sign during class that all is ok with our little one.  I went about my cooking and when finished I got in the car and drove to yoga.  It was the first class of a new series so I had to fill out the health form.  I told my instructor that I was expecting and after he hugged me I gave him a brief synopsis of where we are with things, just so he knew.  
 
Class proceeded as it normally does; stretching, yoga poses, dancing, repeat.... As class was winding down our teacher instructed us to find a comfortable place to sit down and listen to what he was going to read.  Afterwards, music would start to play and we were invited to get up when we wanted to and move to the music.  As I sat, this is what I heard him read -

A little baby told God

Hay I’m kinda scared, don’t really know if

I wanna go down there.

Because from here it looks like a little blue ball

But that’s a great big place and I’m so small.

Why can’t I just stay here with you?

Did I make you mad, don’t you want me, too?

And God say, ‘Oh child, of course I do.

But there’s somebody special that’s waiting for you.’

So hush now baby don’t you cry

Cuz there’s someone down there waiting who’s only goal in life

Is making sure you’re always going to be alright.

A loving angel tender tough and strong

It’s almost time to go and meet your mom.

Now when she’s talking to you

Make sure you listen close

Cause she’s gonna teach everything you’ll ever need to know.

Like how to mind your manners to love and laugh and dream.

And she’ll put you on the path that’ll bring you back to me.

So hush now baby don’t you cry.

Cuz there’s someone down there waiting who’s only goal in life

Is making sure you’re always going to be alright.

A loving angel tender tough and strong

Come on child it’s time to meet your mom.

As you can imagine I was a bawling mess of a momma at the end.  As the song began to play I realized it was the same words set to music.  I couldn't bring myself to get up and dance so I just sat there and hugged my belly knowing there's a chance it might be one of the last time I get to hug our little one but praying it was the first of many, many hugs to come.  My teacher came over to me, hugged me and whispered that he planned this class before knowing anything about my situation.  In other words, this experience was meant to be.  God was talking to me.    

After class, I asked my teacher who sang the song and he said it's one of Garth Brooks' new songs titled, Mom.  (Oh, that Garth Brooks) I also mentioned to him that before class I asked God to give me some sign that all is ok with our little love bug to which he laughed and said, "Well if this isn't it, I don't know what is!" I also thanked God for hearing me and making his answer so clear.  I almost felt like he was saying, "Girl, how many signs do you need?  I've been giving them to you all week.  Sheesh....Take head, know I hear you, and you all are ok."   

On my way home I pulled up this performance of the song and listened to it over and over; and cried and cried.  It was such a special moment for me and it's very hard to describe the emotional impact it had.  I'm just grateful I was able to experience it and have that time with my baby.  

We've been getting a variety of signs all week that all is well and we'll know for sure tomorrow; but I'd be remiss if I didn't say I'm still not 100% convinced and I hope God understands that.  I'll need to be somewhat guarded tomorrow as we go in there so if we get not great news I'll be somewhat prepared.  However, I've spent most of my week in the middle of all is well/all is not well.  After last night, I'm 75% towards all is well.  And I don't think anyone can fault me for that.