A Strange Level of Comfort

Well, here we are....Monday.  In less than forty-eight hours hubby and I will find out how our little love bug is doing and if we'll continue with the pregnancy or have to miscarry.  I thought the last several days would be some of the worst I've had to endure but surprisingly I have found a strange level of comfort in them.  Not to say we've not struggled here and there, and believe me, there have been a fair amount of tears, but with each passing day the one thing that has remained constant is that level of hope that all is well.  Sitting in limbo hasn't been all bad because while there is that percentage of chance that we'll have to miscarry, there is also that percentage that all is well, our little one is developing on schedule, and we were off on our dates.  And having that hope to hang onto has provided comfort which has made the last several days much easier than originally anticipated.

I find myself extremely cautiously optimistic that all is well.  My symptoms, while never necessarily strong, are still hanging around, and whereas last week I was struggling with some anxiety, I'm currently feeling more relaxed, calm, and ready to face the future.  I attribute that to another surge of the good pregnancy hormones.  I get some minor, mild cramping followed by bouts of pulling, tugging, stretching, etc.  I'm not bleeding, heavily spotting, or severely cramping.  Now, I'm not completely naive and know those things can still take place, or not take place, even with a not viable pregnancy; but I chose to take those as somewhat good news.  

It's almost like I don't want Wednesday to arrive but, yet I do.  If all is well I want to know so I can return back to my state of 100% happy and get out of limbo.  Yet, if it's the alternative, that small level of comfort will be taken away.  However, if that's our road we'll travel down it together knowing full well that we'll be ok, our little one will be back in Heaven (not a bad place to be), and when the time is right, we'll try again.

We have a lot of people praying for us and several have remarked (hubby included) that they have a feeling all is well.  Hubby even said he thinks that on Wednesday the doctor will see our little one flipping her off for doubting his/her ability to grow.  If that's the case then we'll definitely have a strong, independent, little one on our hands (with some possible minor anger management issues).  Ehh....I could think of worse things to contend with.  :)    

  

Google is NOT Your Friend

Usually, Google is my trusted friend, confidant, and resource for everything.

Need a quick pasta recipe?  Google.

Can't remember the name of that place that's located in town?  Google.

Need directions?  Google.

Don't know how to properly spell something?  Google.

Basically, if you need to know anything about everything all you have to do is Google it (or Bing, if that's your choice).  Now, what they don't tell you when you get pregnant is that Google will turn on you in a heartbeat.

Light spotting or cramping?  Miscarriage.

No morning sickness and very little symptoms?  Miscarriage.

Pulling or stretching on one side?  Ectopic pregnancy.

Feeling really, really sick early on?  Get ready for more than one baby.

In hoping for the best yet preparing for the worst in our particular situation, I've once again scared myself shitless by Googling about miscarriages and the pros and cons to a natural miscarriage versus a medicinal one versus a D&C.  After reading several posts and message boards about miscarriage horror stories and starting to feel anxious I stopped what I was doing, closed down Google, and vowed to not make any decisions till next Wednesday and if I'm to miscarry, hubby and I will make our decision based on a conversation with our doctor and not what Google says.

In my humble opinion, for their own good, every woman who gets pregnant should have her Google card revoked immediately.  Hubby would be the first in line to sign that petition I'm sure!

Here's my advice to my fellow preggo mamas...

1.  If you're like me and just can't help yourself, go ahead and Google BUT remember that very few people write about the good things, so you're always more apt to find the horror stories; therefore, take every letter you read with a huge grain of salt.

2.  If something is medically happening to you; spotting, heavy cramping, loss of symptoms, not feeling well, etc.  CALL YOUR DOCTOR.  That's why they are there.  I've made several calls into my OB's office and always spoke to a nurse who is way more knowledgeable than some message board and has always helped me feel more calm afterwards.  Plus, they have NEVER made me feel silly, stupid, or like I was a bother.  (NOTE: If you're being made to feel like that, find a new doctor.)

3.  Remember, every pregnancy is different.  If your BFF was pregnant before you, spent much of it with her head in the toilet, gained 50lbs, and had a horrible labor, that doesn't mean you will too.  Your body is your own and will do it's own thing and when you become pregnant, your little one will do its own thing as well and if that means developing slower or differently than your BFF's little one, so be it.

4.  Pregnancy is not an easy time.  It's filled with every emotion under the sun and the first three months are the absolute worst.  Now, I'm not 100% sure where I'm at with my current pregnancy so all my advice is based off what limited knowledge I've acquired the last several weeks.  But I do know, they've not been easy.  The feelings, twinges, pulls, cramps, spotting, symptoms, etc. are all new to me and with each one there's always this thought of "Is that supposed to feel like that?"  And, as someone with a history of minor anxiety, everything gets amplified.

5.  Speaking of anxiety, if you struggle with it, depression, or have any other form of mental issue, please know you are not alone.  There is help, and you deserve to have the most wonderful pregnancy experience as the next woman.  There are resources and if you need to be on some type of meds, that's ok too.  Even though you're carrying around a precious little one, he/she is not the only one that matters.  Take care of yourself, make yourself a priority as well and trust that your body, mind, and spirit will get you through so that when your little one does arrive you can be the best mommy ever.

6.  Cry if you need to.  Nap if it helps.  Talk to your spouse, partner, friends, and family.  Ask for support and prayers.  Utilize the resources at your hospital or birthing clinic and last but not least, trust your body.  Women have been birthing babies for eons.  It's a natural process that can be quite scary.  But, you are not alone, your body knows what to do, there are things available to help you cope, and in the grand scheme of your life the pain, discomfort, uncertainty, fear, and doubt are extremely temporary and will quickly be replaced with a love like no other that will last a lifetime.

7.  And once again, for the love of God, DON'T GOOGLE!



     

The Road to Motherhood - The Worry Starts Immediately!

As of today, I'm pregnant with my first child and while I wish I could tell you that I'm filled with joy, happiness, and excitement; have been spending every waking moment on Pinterest, working on pregnancy announcements, taking weekly bump photos, and annoying my husband with all things baby, I can not; for my hubby and I are in a state of limbo. Allow me to share with you our story.... 

We decided to start our journey to parenthood in early November with me stopping the pill after four years. We thought we'd spend the next several months tracking my period, and having lots and lots of fun trying to conceive. Turns out, we didn't need to do much tracking at all for we saw the first two little lines noting a positive pregnancy on Friday December 12. Yes, we got pregnant right off the pill. So, if someone tells you it'll take you months, while that may be true, you may also be a fertile Myrtle....you have been warned.

I was scheduled to get my visit from Aunt Flo on December 9 but had no worries when she didn't arrive as I knew it could take some time for my body to get back on it's own schedule and the only reason we found out we were pregnant was because of alcohol. We had a party to attend on December 13 and I wanted to be able to have a glass of wine or three in good conscience so, since Aunt Flo hadn't arrived I wanted to be 100% sure I was ok to indulge.  So, on the 12th, at 5:30am (yes, AM. Hey, I was up so why not?) I got up, went to the bathroom and peed on the stick. Less than 60 seconds later, not one, but two little pink lines showed up indicating I was pregnant! I stood there for a moment wondering what to do and then I did what any wife would do, I went into my bedroom, turned on the lights and woke up hubby out of a dead sleep, told him, "Look!" and shoved the pregnancy test in his face. It took him a moment or two to conceptualize what he was looking at and then we both smiled and I started crying. We were pregnant and our journey to parenthood was underway.

It was confirmed by a blood test that indeed we were expecting out own little bundle of joy. I spent the first few weeks quite elated. I was happy, calm, excited, and looking forward to the next nine months. Hubby and I planned to tell our families at Christmas and I even purchased a "baby on board" shirt to help share our news. We made appointments with an OB/GYN practice and started to talk to my belly. I began to feel early pregnancy symptoms and hubby noticed (and was excited about) the enlargement of my boobs. :) We started to share the news with close family and friends and decided we would wait until after our first ultrasound and the first trimester to make a general announcement to family, and of course, to make it "Facebook Official". Our families were ecstatic, the weeks ticked by, symptoms persisted, conversations with our little love bug took place, and life went on. We counted down the days to January 7 when, at 8 weeks, we would have our first ultrasound, meet our little one, see a little heartbeat, and know that all was going well. That visit was yesterday.

We met our OB who looked young but certainly knew her stuff! We did some brief chatting and I explained that I was a first-time mom with first-time anxieties and she completely understood. She asked me about my own struggle with anxiety and how I was coping (I was on a small dose of anti-anxiety medicine when I got pregnant to which I weaned myself off at the direction of my family doctor). I had been doing quite well but the last few days had seen an increase in my anxiety. I loved that she didn't dismiss it and found it rather important to talk about. She referred me to the emotional wellness clinic at our local hospital and assured me that there are safe meds available should I need to go back on something. The time came to drop my pants and meet our little one. The lights went out, the stick went in (transvaginal ultrasound) and a lot of unrecognizable stuff popped up on the screen. Holding hubby's hand we both waited for the sounds of a heart beat. In the moments of silence that subsequently took place I knew something wasn't right. I asked, "Is all ok?" "Well, you're measuring six weeks instead of eight and I don't see a heartbeat." Ugh....the words no expectant parent wants to hear... The doctor looked around some more and I heard lots and lots of clicking on the computer. That was it. No happy tears upon hearing our love bug's safe, secure, and growing like a weed. No, excitement about our little one's first picture. No, happy phone calls or texts announcing all is well. All we left with was a state of limbo and no definitive answers.

Here's what we do know - I'm measuring six weeks, not eight and it's not uncommon to not see a heartbeat or fetal pole at this stage of the game. The funny thing is that the pill is our saving grace and the only reason we have a glimmer of hope. Since I got preggo right off the pill they have no clear notion of when I actually ovulated. Therefore, I could have done so two weeks later than originally thought. If that's the case, I'm measuring right where I should be. The other scenario is that MY timing is accurate and I AM eight weeks along but the baby stopped growing two weeks ago. We have to wait seven days to have another ultrasound. At that point, if all is going well, there will be a fetal pole and some form of heartbeat. If no growth has taken place then I will have to miscarry...yet another word no expectant parent wants to hear.

So, here we sit, in our state of limbo. We feel as though we can't be excited but yet we have a glimmer of hope, so can't be sad. Therefore, we wait. We continue on with life as normal as we can. Hubby went to work today as did I. It helps to take my mind off things and to give me some level of distraction. It's been hard and the next several days will be agonizing for sure but hubby and I know all will be well and if our little one will do better back in Heaven, we'll find peace with that. If our little one just isn't as far along as we thought, GREAT! All will be well, and we'll continue on with a happy, healthy pregnancy.  And he or she will be grounded once out of utero for causing us such agony and stress - the first of many times I'm sure.