It's interesting the path one's life takes. Almost a year ago I started on a spiritual journey of sorts. I started having an interest in yoga and meditation and wanted learn more about the seven chakras, Reiki and different levels of holistic healing. Since then I've added different types of yoga into my routine, have gone to several meditation groups, and had a few Reiki sessions. It's been such a wonderful thing and I know my anxiety has been better because of it.
My yoga instructor is also a Reiki Master. He also knows about my storm and being the wonderful person he is, offered me a free healing session which happened last night. Now, when I have these sessions I don't go in with any expectations other than to feel better afterwards. I'm always hoping for a visitor or two or a message but don't get upset if there isn't.
I laid on the table, listened to the soft hum of the music, inhaled the calming scent of the oils, and drifted off. I've not quite gotten to the point where I can go outside of myself when I meditate or relax so I was still fully aware of my surroundings, but it was nice to not worry about anything other than myself for an hour. I had a few annoying thoughts that came my way, "what's for dinner?", for example. I acknowledged it and let it go. Eventually those annoying thoughts went away and I just relaxed. Throughout my session I felt tingling in my body but one of the most exciting things that happened was I felt a presence! I felt someone standing right over my left shoulder. I couldn't make out who it was or what it was but there was certainly something or someone standing over me (and no, it wasn't my yoga guy). The being didn't stay very long and I didn't get any information but I was being watched over and it was a wonderful feeling of peace and serenity.
My session ended all too soon and before I knew it I was being asked how I felt. My yoga guy told me that I did indeed have visitors. When he set his intention for the session and invited my angels and those who guide me in to the room he told me it was like a flood of spirit and he got very hot.
And then...
He said a little blonde girl came into the room, put a flower over my heart, and hovered over me. She apparently stayed throughout the session but my yoga guy did ask her to step aside as he found himself focusing on her and not me. I started to cry because, while we never got to the point in our pregnancy where we found out if it was a girl or boy, I always felt in my heart that it was a little girl and that my visitor was our daughter coming through to say, "It's ok, mom. I'm ok".
I just felt so much better and relieved that she's ok, not that I had any doubt, but she's alright and I did get to visit with her for a little bit.
I'm continuing on this journey and approaching it as I do my Reiki sessions - no expectations other than to feel better than before. I think it's a good approach.
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Monday, February 16, 2015
A Weekend to Relax
Mother Nature decided to share some of her spirit in my neck of the woods this weekend with plunging temperatures, high winds, and a few inches of snow (New England residents, my heart goes out to you all). Hubby and I decided to spend Valentine's Day weekend staying put, keeping warm, and just vegging, which is easy to do when the temperature gauge on your phone says it feels like -5 degrees.
We did run out to the grocery store Saturday morning to get some last minute items for our Valentine's Day dinner. Rewind back to when hubby and I were dating...you would most definitely find us among the crazies paying $150 for a limited menu of deliciousness at some swanky place we normally wouldn't go to. However, last year we decided to turn it down a notch, stay home, and make something we wouldn't normally cook. It worked out quite well, was less expensive, and we didn't need to get all dressed up. So, lo and behold, a new tradition was born. This year we decided to make Asian shrimp stir-fry followed by chocolate lava cake for dessert. Hubby was in charge of the dinner and I took responsibility for dessert. Now I know shrimp stir-fry doesn't seem like a hard dish and I'm sure it's on most people's dinner tables a couple times a month but it hasn't been in our arsenal of Monday - Friday, after work dinners, so for us it was a stretch to try it; but try we did - and it was a SUCCESS!
Here's the recipe we used for the shrimp - http://bit.ly/1vznny0. Did I take pictures? Nope, of course not. I was too busy mixing chocolate and forgetting to add flour to remember such silly things. Use your imagination and I promise I'll get better with the whole photo-taking thing. Hubby did a great job and it was delicious! The best part is that it made a ton so we had leftovers which were even better the next day, yum!
Now, onto dessert - http://bit.ly/1vPTqzu. If you've ever had dreams of making a lava cake but decided against it for one reason or another, fear not, for making a lava cake is quite simple. I followed the very easy directions - all but the part about adding the flour; however, I caught it before it was too late so crisis averted, phew - and sometime later impressed myself (and hubby) with a warm, delicious, chocolate confection complete with a scoop of French vanilla ice cream (store bought - let's not get crazy here.) Just one note: don't leave the cakes in any longer than 14 minutes. I was afraid not enough of the outside had cooked so I left them in for about 17 minutes and while they were still delicious, there was not as much lava flow action as I would have liked.
It was a wonderful dinner and we had a great time cooking together, trying something new, and enjoying our efforts. We finished up the evening watching episodes of Dexter on Netflix. What a romantic couple we are. :)
If you had been a fly on the wall in our home on Sunday you would have found us lounging on the couch; me wrapped up in a blanket with a heating pad for warmth, and hubby in a t-shirt and shorts. Not sure which one of us is more crazy. The older I get the more I freeze my tuccus off during the colder months and find that Florida looks more and more appealing. Hubby just sweats to death with every move I make of the thermostat dial. We ended our weekend by catching up on some DVR'd shows and watching the newest episode of The Walking Dead.
Mother Nature is sticking around this week as we're expecting about 4-7 inches of snow tonight with frigid temperatures. Thirty-three more days until spring!
We did run out to the grocery store Saturday morning to get some last minute items for our Valentine's Day dinner. Rewind back to when hubby and I were dating...you would most definitely find us among the crazies paying $150 for a limited menu of deliciousness at some swanky place we normally wouldn't go to. However, last year we decided to turn it down a notch, stay home, and make something we wouldn't normally cook. It worked out quite well, was less expensive, and we didn't need to get all dressed up. So, lo and behold, a new tradition was born. This year we decided to make Asian shrimp stir-fry followed by chocolate lava cake for dessert. Hubby was in charge of the dinner and I took responsibility for dessert. Now I know shrimp stir-fry doesn't seem like a hard dish and I'm sure it's on most people's dinner tables a couple times a month but it hasn't been in our arsenal of Monday - Friday, after work dinners, so for us it was a stretch to try it; but try we did - and it was a SUCCESS!
Here's the recipe we used for the shrimp - http://bit.ly/1vznny0. Did I take pictures? Nope, of course not. I was too busy mixing chocolate and forgetting to add flour to remember such silly things. Use your imagination and I promise I'll get better with the whole photo-taking thing. Hubby did a great job and it was delicious! The best part is that it made a ton so we had leftovers which were even better the next day, yum!
Now, onto dessert - http://bit.ly/1vPTqzu. If you've ever had dreams of making a lava cake but decided against it for one reason or another, fear not, for making a lava cake is quite simple. I followed the very easy directions - all but the part about adding the flour; however, I caught it before it was too late so crisis averted, phew - and sometime later impressed myself (and hubby) with a warm, delicious, chocolate confection complete with a scoop of French vanilla ice cream (store bought - let's not get crazy here.) Just one note: don't leave the cakes in any longer than 14 minutes. I was afraid not enough of the outside had cooked so I left them in for about 17 minutes and while they were still delicious, there was not as much lava flow action as I would have liked.
It was a wonderful dinner and we had a great time cooking together, trying something new, and enjoying our efforts. We finished up the evening watching episodes of Dexter on Netflix. What a romantic couple we are. :)
If you had been a fly on the wall in our home on Sunday you would have found us lounging on the couch; me wrapped up in a blanket with a heating pad for warmth, and hubby in a t-shirt and shorts. Not sure which one of us is more crazy. The older I get the more I freeze my tuccus off during the colder months and find that Florida looks more and more appealing. Hubby just sweats to death with every move I make of the thermostat dial. We ended our weekend by catching up on some DVR'd shows and watching the newest episode of The Walking Dead.
Mother Nature is sticking around this week as we're expecting about 4-7 inches of snow tonight with frigid temperatures. Thirty-three more days until spring!
Monday, February 9, 2015
Thoughts on My Miscarriage
NOTE A: This is a very raw, very personal, quite lengthy post, about my personal story with miscarriage. It's not meant to do anything other than continue to be a form of therapy for me, but more importantly, help other women going through the same storm. Just know that I came out of the storm, and so will you.
NOTE B: If you're a regular reader some things in this post might be repetitive but I've done that on purpose so that other women reading my story, perhaps for the first time, don't have to go searching through my blog to find answers to their questions.
Ok, here we go...
Well, it's official, I'm now a card-carrying member of the miscarriage club, a group of women I never gave much thought to (I don't mean that to sound harsh) and certainly didn't think I'd become one of, but yet, here I am, one of millions of women who now know a loss so great and so heartbreaking that it's hard to comprehend. Last Friday, hubby and I had our final appointment with our doctor and my body naturally, and more importantly - successfully - miscarried everything (about time we got some good news!). I've got a couple weeks of blood tests to look forward to in order to make sure my pregnancy levels go back to zero, I'll get my period in the next 4-6 weeks, and then in two (probably three) more cycles, we can try again.
Here's how our journey to parenthood started....I had been on the pill for four years for no other reason than to prevent children. Hubby and I decided in early November we were ready to start a family so I finished my pack of pills on November 15 and on December 12, we had a positive pregnancy test. We made our first two pre-natal appointments and continued with life, excited as could be. My symptoms were present but not horrible; dry heaves in the morning while brushing and flossing my teeth, peeing every five minutes, hungry, and tired. NOTE: pregnancy symptoms come and go and every woman has varying degrees. Please don't let a lack of symptoms freak you out like I initially did. More than likely you're fine and just one of the lucky ones. :)
On January 7 (Wednesday) hubby and I went for our meeting with the doctor where we would hear a heartbeat and meet our little love bug. However, that day marked the first of a series of dark clouds....no fetal pole, therefore, no heartbeat. I was only measuring six weeks so the doctor thought I might have ovulated later than expected since I got pregnant right off the pill, so we had a reason to hope. We were told to come back in seven days where at that point a little flutter should be visible. A week later (the 14th) our storm intensified when we were told that had been no growth, no change, no baby, and I would most certainly miscarry. Since my body was showing signs of early miscarriage (the sac had dropped closer to my cervix) I opted to go naturally and my doctor was very ok with my decision. Since I had a blighted ovum I was told to expect a very heavy, crampy period, within the next week or so and if nothing happened I was to take Cytotec which would induce the miscarriage.
I had been having some light brown spotting, cervical mucus, and some light period type cramps for a couple days prior to our appointment on the 14th (NOTE: period type cramps are common and most of the time ok during pregnancy. If you're concerned please call your doctor.) and that pretty much continued until the evening of Sunday, January 18th. I started to not feel so sparky and got some cramping in my abdomen and back. Not enough to take Advil but certainly enough to know they were there. I went to lie down for a bit and when I got up I went to the bathroom and on the tissue was red blood, as opposed to dried up brown blood. It was startling for sure but I took a deep breath, composed myself, went to my husband and told him I thought things had begun. Now, never having been through a miscarriage, and only knowing what I did from message boards and websites (most of the time not a good idea) I had read, I knew I was in for anything from an ok night to feeling like I'm dying. I really didn't know what to expect as each miscarriage is different for each woman.
Turns out, the night was fine. I got up the next morning to more brown dried up blood. I put a call into my doctors office and we made plans to check in daily and if nothing happened by Wednesday they'd call in the Cytotec - an option I was becoming more and more scared of (thank you again message boards.) So here's how the rest of the things went...
Tuesday 1/20 - returned to work, slight bleeding, slight cramping, no Advil needed. Hubby and I had sex (at the recommendation of my doctor) to hopefully get things started.
Wednesday 1/21 - sex worked! More bleeding, more cramping, still no Advil needed. Talked to the doctor's office and they were ok with letting me go without the Cytotec.
Thursday 1/22 - made out ok at work but got another wave of not feeling well. Got home, took a shower and spent the night on the couch, with a heating pad. Cramping, and more bleeding. Bleeding's not heavy nor free flowing but it's more there.
Friday 1/23 - went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plop, went to investigate but couldn't see anything due to the bloody water (first time that's been an issue). Talked to the doctor, no Cytotec and will check in on Monday. Bloody water during every bathroom visit.
Saturday 1/24 & Sunday 1/25 - bleeding, cramping, still no Advil needed. Bleeding's a little heavier but not too bad.
Monday 1/26 - Heavy bleeding (at work nonetheless) for about an hour. About filled up a maxi-pad. Cramping pretty bad (hello Advil), Started taking 800mg of Advil every eight hours as per the doctor. At that point I was considered to be in active miscarriage mode.
Tuesday 1/27 - I passed the hamburger. I thought the worst was over but had one final jolt and that evening I passed the sac. I wasn't expecting it and it definitely broke me a little bit. I took a photo of it to show our doctor. For the squeamish among us I won't post it but if you want to see it shoot me an email. NOTE: I showed it to our doctor and she was glad I took the photo. After seeing it she was pretty confident I had passed everything. So while I thought it was weird it turned out to be quite helpful!
Wednesday 1/28 - moderate cramping and some bleeding. More emotional issues than physical ones. Took one dose of Advil.
Thursday 1/29 - Tuesday 2/3 - bleeding lessens, cramps stop, no need for Advil.
Wednesday 2/4 - blood turns more brown and is very light.
Thursday 2/5 - same as Wednesday.
Friday 2/6 - first day without a pad. Pretty much ok but had some bleeding after the doctors appointment. Hello again, pad.
Saturday - 2/7 - no pad, no bleeding, just minor light brownish stuff.
Sunday - 2/8 - same as yesterday and I'm feeling pretty confident that all is finished.
So, all in all, from the first sign of red blood to what I considered being complete, my miscarriage was 20 days. I would say I had a few moments of feeling uncomfortable and one moment of legit pain - contractions right before passing the sac - otherwise, it did indeed feel like a more prominent, cramp-y period. I've read several miscarriage recounts where women were told to expect a heavy, cramp-y period only to have something completely opposite so, I do feel lucky that what my doctor told me was the truth.
As I did in a previous post, I'll list my thoughts and feelings in no particular order.
1. I hate that this happened to us. I feel like we've been robbed of happiness for any future pregnancies. Now, when we get pregnant it's going to be mostly worry and anxiety until we reach the "safe zone."
2. Miscarriages are never easy and the level of difficulty certainly increases depending on how far along you are. However, I think experiencing your first pregnancy and having it end in a miscarriage is on another wave length of suckiness.
3. Since my anxiety was heightened right before we found out we would miscarry, there was a very small part of me that was relieved the pregnancy didn't develop. I was very worried about harming our child with my anxiety and when I found out there was no longer a child that could be harmed I was somewhat relieved. I also have guilt for feeling that way.
4. Since our storm started I've been asked a couple times in causal conversations if I have children. That question now has a level of hurt I never thought I'd experience.
5. Seeing infants is currently a little hard. While we were waiting in the office for our appointment on Friday a new mom came in with her very tiny little one. I started to cry while shouting in my heart, "IT'S NOT FAIR!!"
6. When we got done with our appointment I told hubby part of me wanted to high-five him because my body ROCKS and did what it needed to do and took care of itself and did a phenomenal thing in being able to recognize something wasn't right and it needed to take care of it. Our bodies really are amazing instruments and I don't think I ever realized it as much as I do know.
7. Part of me also wanted to just sit there and cry.
8. We had an amazing support system in place. We initially only told very close family and friends about our little one. I was actually advised by someone who knew we would miscarry that next time we got pregnant maybe we shouldn't tell people so early. I didn't have the strength to explain that the reason we told who we told was so that if something happened (which it did) that we would have a strong support system (which we did.) And when we get pregnant again, we'll do the same exact thing.
9. My sister-in-law and I got pregnant around the same time and therefore were both due the same time. We don't see each other very often but we may around Easter and while I'm very, very happy for her and her hubby, I know it's going to be difficult, and that makes me sad.
10. My doctor did the best thing ever (in my humble opinion) when she acknowledged that this was happening to my hubby as well. As hard as this is for us women, our spouses, partners, and significant others have their own difficulties as well for they can't take away the pain or hurt, they just have to watch us go through it and as hard as that is for us, I think being there is just as hard for them.
11. This is my little way of remembering our love bug. Thank you Etsy.
NOTE B: If you're a regular reader some things in this post might be repetitive but I've done that on purpose so that other women reading my story, perhaps for the first time, don't have to go searching through my blog to find answers to their questions.
Ok, here we go...
Well, it's official, I'm now a card-carrying member of the miscarriage club, a group of women I never gave much thought to (I don't mean that to sound harsh) and certainly didn't think I'd become one of, but yet, here I am, one of millions of women who now know a loss so great and so heartbreaking that it's hard to comprehend. Last Friday, hubby and I had our final appointment with our doctor and my body naturally, and more importantly - successfully - miscarried everything (about time we got some good news!). I've got a couple weeks of blood tests to look forward to in order to make sure my pregnancy levels go back to zero, I'll get my period in the next 4-6 weeks, and then in two (probably three) more cycles, we can try again.
Here's how our journey to parenthood started....I had been on the pill for four years for no other reason than to prevent children. Hubby and I decided in early November we were ready to start a family so I finished my pack of pills on November 15 and on December 12, we had a positive pregnancy test. We made our first two pre-natal appointments and continued with life, excited as could be. My symptoms were present but not horrible; dry heaves in the morning while brushing and flossing my teeth, peeing every five minutes, hungry, and tired. NOTE: pregnancy symptoms come and go and every woman has varying degrees. Please don't let a lack of symptoms freak you out like I initially did. More than likely you're fine and just one of the lucky ones. :)
On January 7 (Wednesday) hubby and I went for our meeting with the doctor where we would hear a heartbeat and meet our little love bug. However, that day marked the first of a series of dark clouds....no fetal pole, therefore, no heartbeat. I was only measuring six weeks so the doctor thought I might have ovulated later than expected since I got pregnant right off the pill, so we had a reason to hope. We were told to come back in seven days where at that point a little flutter should be visible. A week later (the 14th) our storm intensified when we were told that had been no growth, no change, no baby, and I would most certainly miscarry. Since my body was showing signs of early miscarriage (the sac had dropped closer to my cervix) I opted to go naturally and my doctor was very ok with my decision. Since I had a blighted ovum I was told to expect a very heavy, crampy period, within the next week or so and if nothing happened I was to take Cytotec which would induce the miscarriage.
I had been having some light brown spotting, cervical mucus, and some light period type cramps for a couple days prior to our appointment on the 14th (NOTE: period type cramps are common and most of the time ok during pregnancy. If you're concerned please call your doctor.) and that pretty much continued until the evening of Sunday, January 18th. I started to not feel so sparky and got some cramping in my abdomen and back. Not enough to take Advil but certainly enough to know they were there. I went to lie down for a bit and when I got up I went to the bathroom and on the tissue was red blood, as opposed to dried up brown blood. It was startling for sure but I took a deep breath, composed myself, went to my husband and told him I thought things had begun. Now, never having been through a miscarriage, and only knowing what I did from message boards and websites (most of the time not a good idea) I had read, I knew I was in for anything from an ok night to feeling like I'm dying. I really didn't know what to expect as each miscarriage is different for each woman.
Turns out, the night was fine. I got up the next morning to more brown dried up blood. I put a call into my doctors office and we made plans to check in daily and if nothing happened by Wednesday they'd call in the Cytotec - an option I was becoming more and more scared of (thank you again message boards.) So here's how the rest of the things went...
Tuesday 1/20 - returned to work, slight bleeding, slight cramping, no Advil needed. Hubby and I had sex (at the recommendation of my doctor) to hopefully get things started.
Wednesday 1/21 - sex worked! More bleeding, more cramping, still no Advil needed. Talked to the doctor's office and they were ok with letting me go without the Cytotec.
Thursday 1/22 - made out ok at work but got another wave of not feeling well. Got home, took a shower and spent the night on the couch, with a heating pad. Cramping, and more bleeding. Bleeding's not heavy nor free flowing but it's more there.
Friday 1/23 - went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plop, went to investigate but couldn't see anything due to the bloody water (first time that's been an issue). Talked to the doctor, no Cytotec and will check in on Monday. Bloody water during every bathroom visit.
Saturday 1/24 & Sunday 1/25 - bleeding, cramping, still no Advil needed. Bleeding's a little heavier but not too bad.
Monday 1/26 - Heavy bleeding (at work nonetheless) for about an hour. About filled up a maxi-pad. Cramping pretty bad (hello Advil), Started taking 800mg of Advil every eight hours as per the doctor. At that point I was considered to be in active miscarriage mode.
Tuesday 1/27 - I passed the hamburger. I thought the worst was over but had one final jolt and that evening I passed the sac. I wasn't expecting it and it definitely broke me a little bit. I took a photo of it to show our doctor. For the squeamish among us I won't post it but if you want to see it shoot me an email. NOTE: I showed it to our doctor and she was glad I took the photo. After seeing it she was pretty confident I had passed everything. So while I thought it was weird it turned out to be quite helpful!
Wednesday 1/28 - moderate cramping and some bleeding. More emotional issues than physical ones. Took one dose of Advil.
Thursday 1/29 - Tuesday 2/3 - bleeding lessens, cramps stop, no need for Advil.
Wednesday 2/4 - blood turns more brown and is very light.
Thursday 2/5 - same as Wednesday.
Friday 2/6 - first day without a pad. Pretty much ok but had some bleeding after the doctors appointment. Hello again, pad.
Saturday - 2/7 - no pad, no bleeding, just minor light brownish stuff.
Sunday - 2/8 - same as yesterday and I'm feeling pretty confident that all is finished.
So, all in all, from the first sign of red blood to what I considered being complete, my miscarriage was 20 days. I would say I had a few moments of feeling uncomfortable and one moment of legit pain - contractions right before passing the sac - otherwise, it did indeed feel like a more prominent, cramp-y period. I've read several miscarriage recounts where women were told to expect a heavy, cramp-y period only to have something completely opposite so, I do feel lucky that what my doctor told me was the truth.
As I did in a previous post, I'll list my thoughts and feelings in no particular order.
1. I hate that this happened to us. I feel like we've been robbed of happiness for any future pregnancies. Now, when we get pregnant it's going to be mostly worry and anxiety until we reach the "safe zone."
2. Miscarriages are never easy and the level of difficulty certainly increases depending on how far along you are. However, I think experiencing your first pregnancy and having it end in a miscarriage is on another wave length of suckiness.
3. Since my anxiety was heightened right before we found out we would miscarry, there was a very small part of me that was relieved the pregnancy didn't develop. I was very worried about harming our child with my anxiety and when I found out there was no longer a child that could be harmed I was somewhat relieved. I also have guilt for feeling that way.
4. Since our storm started I've been asked a couple times in causal conversations if I have children. That question now has a level of hurt I never thought I'd experience.
5. Seeing infants is currently a little hard. While we were waiting in the office for our appointment on Friday a new mom came in with her very tiny little one. I started to cry while shouting in my heart, "IT'S NOT FAIR!!"
6. When we got done with our appointment I told hubby part of me wanted to high-five him because my body ROCKS and did what it needed to do and took care of itself and did a phenomenal thing in being able to recognize something wasn't right and it needed to take care of it. Our bodies really are amazing instruments and I don't think I ever realized it as much as I do know.
7. Part of me also wanted to just sit there and cry.
8. We had an amazing support system in place. We initially only told very close family and friends about our little one. I was actually advised by someone who knew we would miscarry that next time we got pregnant maybe we shouldn't tell people so early. I didn't have the strength to explain that the reason we told who we told was so that if something happened (which it did) that we would have a strong support system (which we did.) And when we get pregnant again, we'll do the same exact thing.
9. My sister-in-law and I got pregnant around the same time and therefore were both due the same time. We don't see each other very often but we may around Easter and while I'm very, very happy for her and her hubby, I know it's going to be difficult, and that makes me sad.
10. My doctor did the best thing ever (in my humble opinion) when she acknowledged that this was happening to my hubby as well. As hard as this is for us women, our spouses, partners, and significant others have their own difficulties as well for they can't take away the pain or hurt, they just have to watch us go through it and as hard as that is for us, I think being there is just as hard for them.
11. This is my little way of remembering our love bug. Thank you Etsy.
12. Hubby and I weathered one hell of a storm and while it changed us, the most important thing is that it did not defeat us.
13. If you're still with me (thank you!) and you're reading this because you're weathering your own storm please know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Remember, you WILL get through this and life will go on and lead you to sunnier skies and brighter days. You're strong, capable, and courageous!
Oh, for those wondering, I made out quite well at the dentist. No major dental work needed and no need to go back until my next check-up in six months, yay! However, I do apparently grind my teeth and have some TMJ issues so off to the physical therapist I go.
Thursday, February 5, 2015
A Rough Couple of Days
I've mentioned before that I struggle a little bit with anxiety. It started about three years ago when I got stuck in an elevator. Since then it comes and goes and feeling somewhat trapped or in a place where I can't easily get out seems to be its biggest trigger (thanks a lot elevator); traffic on highways, airplanes, trains, etc.
It evolved somewhat last year when my mom was going through some major medical issues (hello, colon cancer) and I spent much of 2014 in and out of our local hospitals. Since then, any sort of medical thing seems to bring on feelings on anxiety. Thankfully, I've only had two major anxiety attacks; one when I was in the elevator and the other was when hubby and I were going to get on the turnpike. I freaked out and made him turn around before we got on. That was a horrible day....
I got to the point where, after talking with my doctor, I was prescribed a small dose of anti-anxiety medicine and I have a therapist who I check in with periodically. I've been able to manage things pretty well but every so often the anxiety gets a one-up on me.
Anyway, the last few days I've been having some funny feelings in the right side of my mouth and being the anxious worrywart that I am I immediately think I am in need of a root canal, or to have all my wisdom teeth pulled, or something worse. I was so worried about it I called my dentist office yesterday and asked them to move my my cleaning from the end of the month to whatever they have available.
"Thursday at 2:00pm?"
"Yes, please!"
OF COURSE, my mouth feels better today but I'm somewhat relieved to be getting in their earlier to get my teeth cleaned and checked out - not to mention getting it over with. However, I'm also nervous. My anxiety was pretty high about six months ago (my last dental visit) when I was having a cavity filled. Out of no where I had a minor anxiety attack. I had a hole in my tooth and they were at the point where they were putting those little clippy things in to do God only knows what. I had to have them stop and I was soo scared of not being able to let them finish. Fortunately, I have a wonderful dentist who gave me all the time I needed, didn't leave me alone, allowed me to breathe through it to the point I calmed myself down enough that he was able to finish. Part of me is afraid that's going to happen again.
In addition, hubby and I have what we hope will be our final appointment tomorrow with our OB to make sure I've expelled everything (prayers appreciated). Shouldn't be any surprise that I'm worried I haven't and then who knows what will need to happen. I passed the sac, the bleeding has lessened - although not gone completely - I've no cramping, no fever, and no foul smell to denote an infection, but I still worry.
So, with these two things hanging over my head I've let my emotions get the better of me and have had a rough few days. I've not laid in bed, don't get me wrong. I've gotten up, gone to work, put in an honest day's work, gone to rehearsal, been productive at home, laughed, smiled, and interacted with my peers, etc. It mostly hits me at night before I got to bed. Thankfully, hubby's been there to listen, ease my fears, and tell me that all with be ok, and I know it will be.
It evolved somewhat last year when my mom was going through some major medical issues (hello, colon cancer) and I spent much of 2014 in and out of our local hospitals. Since then, any sort of medical thing seems to bring on feelings on anxiety. Thankfully, I've only had two major anxiety attacks; one when I was in the elevator and the other was when hubby and I were going to get on the turnpike. I freaked out and made him turn around before we got on. That was a horrible day....
I got to the point where, after talking with my doctor, I was prescribed a small dose of anti-anxiety medicine and I have a therapist who I check in with periodically. I've been able to manage things pretty well but every so often the anxiety gets a one-up on me.
Anyway, the last few days I've been having some funny feelings in the right side of my mouth and being the anxious worrywart that I am I immediately think I am in need of a root canal, or to have all my wisdom teeth pulled, or something worse. I was so worried about it I called my dentist office yesterday and asked them to move my my cleaning from the end of the month to whatever they have available.
"Thursday at 2:00pm?"
"Yes, please!"
OF COURSE, my mouth feels better today but I'm somewhat relieved to be getting in their earlier to get my teeth cleaned and checked out - not to mention getting it over with. However, I'm also nervous. My anxiety was pretty high about six months ago (my last dental visit) when I was having a cavity filled. Out of no where I had a minor anxiety attack. I had a hole in my tooth and they were at the point where they were putting those little clippy things in to do God only knows what. I had to have them stop and I was soo scared of not being able to let them finish. Fortunately, I have a wonderful dentist who gave me all the time I needed, didn't leave me alone, allowed me to breathe through it to the point I calmed myself down enough that he was able to finish. Part of me is afraid that's going to happen again.
In addition, hubby and I have what we hope will be our final appointment tomorrow with our OB to make sure I've expelled everything (prayers appreciated). Shouldn't be any surprise that I'm worried I haven't and then who knows what will need to happen. I passed the sac, the bleeding has lessened - although not gone completely - I've no cramping, no fever, and no foul smell to denote an infection, but I still worry.
So, with these two things hanging over my head I've let my emotions get the better of me and have had a rough few days. I've not laid in bed, don't get me wrong. I've gotten up, gone to work, put in an honest day's work, gone to rehearsal, been productive at home, laughed, smiled, and interacted with my peers, etc. It mostly hits me at night before I got to bed. Thankfully, hubby's been there to listen, ease my fears, and tell me that all with be ok, and I know it will be.
I got this for my birthday and wear it everyday. It's as true for me as it is for you.
www.mantraband.com
Monday, February 2, 2015
Winter Cleaning
Back in January of 2014 hubby and I started on the successful journey of home-ownership. We searched and searched and in May settled on a small, three bedroom, one bathroom house built ninety-five years ago. It's a small little place but it was in our price range, in an adorable community, boasted updated windows, roof, and hot water heater, had a fenced-in backyard, and a really cute front porch (my favorite part of the house!). It was in desperate need of some cosmetic work so before we moved in at the end of June we painted EVERY ROOM IN THE HOUSE, ripped up all the carpet, and got the wooden floors cleaned and re-sealed. We moved in and spent the rest of the summer unpacking things, setting up our home, making daily trips to Home Depot, and doing everything else new home owners are supposed to do.
We've gotten every room of the house set up except for the two spare bedrooms. They currently serve as our spillover rooms for everything we didn't know what to do with, couldn't find a place for, and were undecided as to whether we wanted to keep or not. We're turning one room into a little den that houses hubby's movie and DVD collections. It'll be a place were we can go, sit, relax, read, listen to music, put a puzzle together, etc. And at some point hopefully it'll be a little play room. The other bedroom, which we started calling the nursery (now known as the green room), will be cleaned out to hopefully one day serve its intended purpose.
This past Saturday, we worked for a few hours on getting both those rooms cleaned up and ready to go. I worked on the green room and this was the first time since we found out we would miscarry that I spent any significant amount of time in there. We have a rocking chair that my mom used when I was little and I've had the chair with me for years and plan to use it when we have children, but for now it just sits there happily waiting for someone who needs it. Before I started my cleaning I sat down in that big comfy chair and just rocked while looking around at the room and thinking of all the plans that quickly got put on hold. I hugged a blanket that hubby gave me at Christmas (it was addressed to 'mommy and baby' from 'daddy') and teared up.
That's how hubby found me. He came in, gave me a nice little squeeze and a kiss and said his comforting phrase, "we'll be alright." I nodded my head, smiled, got up and started cleaning.
I spent much of the subsequent few hours going through boxes and bags, setting aside things for Goodwill, and consolidating things into storage boxes to be put into the basement. I wish I could tell you we finished and both rooms look great, but I'd be lying. We still have stuff that needs to be sorted and our hallway now houses our "to be donated" pile; but it's a work in progress....much like our lives.
The before photos...
We've gotten every room of the house set up except for the two spare bedrooms. They currently serve as our spillover rooms for everything we didn't know what to do with, couldn't find a place for, and were undecided as to whether we wanted to keep or not. We're turning one room into a little den that houses hubby's movie and DVD collections. It'll be a place were we can go, sit, relax, read, listen to music, put a puzzle together, etc. And at some point hopefully it'll be a little play room. The other bedroom, which we started calling the nursery (now known as the green room), will be cleaned out to hopefully one day serve its intended purpose.
This past Saturday, we worked for a few hours on getting both those rooms cleaned up and ready to go. I worked on the green room and this was the first time since we found out we would miscarry that I spent any significant amount of time in there. We have a rocking chair that my mom used when I was little and I've had the chair with me for years and plan to use it when we have children, but for now it just sits there happily waiting for someone who needs it. Before I started my cleaning I sat down in that big comfy chair and just rocked while looking around at the room and thinking of all the plans that quickly got put on hold. I hugged a blanket that hubby gave me at Christmas (it was addressed to 'mommy and baby' from 'daddy') and teared up.
That's how hubby found me. He came in, gave me a nice little squeeze and a kiss and said his comforting phrase, "we'll be alright." I nodded my head, smiled, got up and started cleaning.
I spent much of the subsequent few hours going through boxes and bags, setting aside things for Goodwill, and consolidating things into storage boxes to be put into the basement. I wish I could tell you we finished and both rooms look great, but I'd be lying. We still have stuff that needs to be sorted and our hallway now houses our "to be donated" pile; but it's a work in progress....much like our lives.
The before photos...
Hubby's room
The green room
After photos coming, hopefully before spring.
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