Baby Making Continues

It's been almost seven months since I got released from my OB/GYN with the news I had successfully miscarried, a plan to wait two cycles before trying, and a recommendation to come back in August if I wasn't pregnant.  Well, here we are and no bun in the oven...yet.

My cycles have become somewhat erratic fluctuating anywhere from 28 days to 45 days; talk about frustrating.  I found myself becoming that woman - the one who tracks everything about her cycle, Googles the latest fads promising to increase fertility (I'm looking at you, Geritol), and having sex every two-three days even when I just wasn't feeling it because what if that's the magic time.  I became that woman and I hated it.

I did check in with my doctor earlier this month and she put my mind at ease.  I went in armed with all kinds of questions in addition to a calendar of my crazy cycles.  Come to find out my doctor's not worried and not even remotely ready to start doing anything exploratory or talk about possible issues.  Also, and this is why I LOVE my doctor, she told me not to be concerned about my age (35 is right around the corner) and that she doesn't start seeing an increase of issues until the mom hits 39.  Phew....four more years.  Plus, she reiterated that my body did go through some trauma and that it's not unusual for a woman to take about six months for her body to get back on track with things and THEN from that point it could very well take another six to eight months to conceive.  Patience is not a virtue I hold in abundance; however, I did take solace in those words and left with a new plan of continuing as is and we'll reconvene in December.  If, at that point, no bun is baking, we'll move to the exploratory steps.  Hopefully, that won't happen.

I've decided to stop being all crazy-pants with tracking and am going to just keep an eye on Aunt Flo and when hubby and I, you know....I think - know - that will be less stressful for me, will put the fun back in things, and I'll stop obsessing over and Googling every little twinge, cramp, feeling, and sign hoping it's an early pregnancy symptom.

At some point we'll get pregnant again, I truly feel that in my heart.  It'll happen when it's supposed to and not a moment earlier...and I'm choosing to be ok with that.

    

I Did It!

Last weekend was the trip to New York and not only did I do it but I had fun!  I conquered my anxiety and rode in a train, maneuvered around the biggest city in the country, performed, and to top it all off I even RODE THE SUBWAY!  Twice!

I can't say my anxiety didn't pop up but I remembered all my little tips and tricks and they worked.  I had a fun weekend and was super proud of myself.  It's hard to believe that a few months ago I was seriously contemplating not going for fear of having an anxiety attack but I persevered, held strong, had faith, believed I could do it...and I did!  Woohoo!

Anxiety - 0; Me - 1

In other news the pup continues to add laughter and chaos to our world.  We struggled for a couple weeks with some separation anxiety (must run in the family) She got out of her kennel once and did a whirlwind of a mess in the den where she chewed on papers and boxes, and laid all over things she wasn't supposed to and finished up her meal with a dessert of hubby's X-Box controller (man, he was pissed!  I didn't think she's live through that one - just kidding!).  The following days found her tearing up the plastic pan at the bottom the kennel, chewing up her bed, and physically moving her kennel from it's place.  After contacting our vet, talking to a trainer, and consulting other dog parents, we seem to have gotten things under control.  Mira now sports a pheromone collar and we periodically spray her kennel with calming scents.  We walk her in the morning before we go to work to tire her out and she only gets special toys when it's time to go in the kennel.  So far it's been working.  This morning, she even went in her kennel before being asked.  She trotted on in and laid down waiting for her treats.  I think she's beginning to realize that yes we do leave her but we always come home.

Mira - 0; Us - 1

Baby making continues.  It's officially been three cycles of trying and it's beginning to get a little frustrating.  I know many couples try for months, sometimes years, to conceive so three months really isn't complaint worth.  I guess my thought process was we got pregnant so quickly the first time that we wouldn't struggle going forward.

I've been tracking my cycles with an app called Period Tracker and that's been helpful but my cycles haven't been super regular.  When I started tracking my first period was only four days.  Twenty-eight days later the next one came.  Perfect!  Well that cycle was five days and then I didn't get the next one for thirty-eight days!  The third one came twenty-eight days later and here I am waiting on the fourth cycle and I'm on day thirty-two.  And before you ask, yes I did take a pregnancy test....negative.

These irregular cycles make it hard to figure out when we should concentrate on baby-making.  We've not gotten to the point where I'm tracking my daily temperature, checking CM and CP, etc. but I have a feeling we may be heading in that direction.  I was told by my doctor that if I wasn't preggo by August to come back and see her so that's what our plan is.  We have two more cycles to make something happen and then we'll call in the big guys for some assistance.

No Baby P. 2.0 - 1; Us - 0.

Stay tuned....

 

New York Bound & Scared to Death

Whether I'm Ready or not, I'm New York bound!

So, my improv group got accepted into the New York Del Close Marathon scheduled for the last weekend in June.  It starts the evening of the 26th and runs, non-stop right through the weekend.  Thousands of groups applied but only about 600 got accepted.  In other words, it's a big deal!

While I'm super excited about going, I'm scared to death!  Honestly, what scares me most is getting there.  We're staying and performing in the East Village of Manhattan, certainly not a place one wants to voluntarily drive so public transportation it is.  Some of my improv colleagues have opted to take a bus but I'm not quite sure I want to do that.  I'm thinking a train may be the best option.  I still have time to work out the logistics.    

I'm really concerned about having an anxiety attack.  Between public transportation, being in a huge, crowded city, and having to perform in front of goodness knows how many people, party of me feels like an anxiety attack is almost imminent.  I take comfort in the fact that I've not had an attack in quite a while and when the feelings do start to bubble I can control them so they fizzle out pretty quickly.  Traffic doesn't seem to affect me the way it used to and two weeks ago I DROVE ON THE TURNPIKE!!  The very same turnpike where, about a year ago, I had a major panic attack.  I was so flippin' proud of myself that day!  So proud!  

I want to feel that pride again.  That's why I'm going to New York and why I'm putting myself in a weekend full of situations that will most likely test my anxiety and push me to my limit.  I want to regain some of my life back; that part of my life that used to enjoy trains, traveling, cities, new experiences, and atmospheres, without the constant worry of anxiety.

Hubby is going with me so it'll be nice to have his support, encouragement, and strength.  My improv friends will be there as well and while very few know about my battle, having them there will also help I'm sure.  

I've acknowledged my apprehension and concern.  I think that's a good thing to do.  Instead of sweeping it under the rug and pretending it doesn't exist I'm going to recognize it, feel it, and then, let it go.  Should it decide to come back, I'll repeat the process...recognize, feel, let it go.  

The anxiety no longer controls me.  I control the anxiety.  

In other news...baby making continues.  Two months in and no baby 2.0.  We're not concerned.  We're simply having a good time trying.  :)  

The Whirlwind of Life

Goodness, it's been a while!  I was posting pretty regularly, I blink, and over a month has gone by; but what a month it's been.

A New Family Member:
Meet Mira, our newest addition.  She's 70 lbs of love and excitement wrapped up in a Husky/Shepard/Lab mix of a dog.  Rewind to the day before our second wedding anniversary when I talked hubby into going to the local Humane Association to "just look" at the pups they had up for adoption.  He reluctantly agreed (happy wife, happy life) and off we went.  Mira, formally named Bailey (Humane Association name), was the second dog we spent some time with.  Her rambunctious spirit and kind nature endeared her to us enough that even hubby was ok with putting in an application for her.  We were approved pretty quickly and went back the next day, which was our anniversary, to picked her up.

We've had her for a little over a month and she's been wonderful!  We don't know her back story but the shelter estimates she's three years old.  She was transferred out of a high-kill shelter in West Virginia and made her way north and was up here for a little bit before our path crossed with hers.  We were told she must have had a family at one point because she's pretty well mannered and knows a few basic commands; sit, come, kennel.  She's great with other dogs, loves people of all ages, and, thankfully, got used to her new name rather quickly.  She loves walks but pulls on her leash and when she gets excited she likes to jump on people but we're working to fix those quirks and have enrolled her in some basic manners classes starting next week.

It's hard to imagine what life was like before her and even hubby has taken a shine to her!  And yes, she has two different colored eyes.  :)

            

Trying Again:

After two consecutive visits from Aunt Flo, hubby and I started trying to conceive baby 2.0.  I downloaded Period Tracker, a free app where you can store information pertaining to your monthly visitor as well as symptoms, and times you were intimate.  In return it gives you predicted times of ovulation.  Therefore you can time your marathon baby-making accordingly.  However, it's all just an estimate so nothing is 100% certain, as we found out this month.  It was our first month trying since our miscarriage and we knew, even with trying to time things right, it could take some time so we weren't upset when my period came.  What was frustrating though, was that my period was not one or two days late but TEN!  So, during that time frame I took four pregnancy tests (not cheap) but was somewhat relieved when it did come but man, those ten days were filled with every thought from "I'm pregnant" to "There's something wrong" and everything in between.  Aunt Flo has come and gone and hubby and I will continue with baby-making and we'll see what happens this month.  If Baby 2.0 hasn't jumped on board by the end of the summer I'll make an appointment with my OBGYN.  Stay tuned and all good thoughts, prayers, vibes, and well wishes are appreciated.

Parents:

I'm an only child and getting to a point in my life where the transition from child to caretaker has begun.  Last year my mom underwent two major, life altering surgeries and was diagnosed with colon cancer.  Thankfully she fought a good fight and won her cancer battle and today is considered cancer free.  However, while undergoing chemo she had to stop some of her other medication, and as a result lost some of her muscle stability in her legs.  She has psoriatic arthritis which was manged by Enbrel.  For the last few weeks her legs have been getting worse with stiffness and pain.  She goes back to see her arthritis doctor this week and we're hoping she'll get back on the Enbrel.  That, combined with physical therapy, should get her to rights....hopefully.  It's been hard for her and my dad.  They came up on Saturday but stayed outside because my mom can't do the stairs to get into my home.  Thankfully it was a nice, warm day so staying outside was doable.  

My dad underwent back to back cataract surgery a couple weeks ago.  He was nervous and unsure about it.  I would be too!  Not only are you awake for that surgery but you've got lasers and instruments coming at you and should you flinch or move, who knows what would happen!?  However, he was a trooper and after some time of fear and regret, he's on the mend.  Last weekend, I took him out to get his first pair or sunglasses.  Yes, his first. He's been wearing glasses for over 60 years and now, thanks to the surgery, should only need readers.  So, he sports a snazzy pair of sunglasses and when reading puts on those glasses that sit on the bridge of his nose.  He'll head back to his eye doctor at the end of the month and probably get a prescription pair.  

My parents are aging and at times it scares me.  Other times I know it's the circle of life and all I can do it attempt to take care of them the way they did me when I was little.  

Other Things:

Work, volunteer activities. improv group, working in the yard, friends, family, etc.... That's all been keeping me busy as well.  Life is good and I'm excited to see where it takes me!    

And We're Off!

Baby making has officially resumed.

And I'm scared to death...

I've been in a funk the last week or so and I'm sure that's part of the issue; but I'm not letting that stop me as I know (hope) it's just a temporary state of mind.  Hubby and I have started TTC again with prayers for a better outcome.

While the thought of being pregnant excites me it also terrifies me.  Honestly, the nine months of being pregnant followed by the painful exit terrifies me.  I'm concerned about my anxiety and what that may or may not do to our child and for a period of time my body doesn't only belong to me and I don't know how I'll handle that.  It would be nice if I could take off the belly and let hubby take over every so often but clearly that's not an option.

I get that women's bodies are made for child birth and I do find comfort in the fact that many, many women have birthed multiple babies - so the pain can't be THAT BAD, right?  I also know that in the end I will be alright and things will work out the way they're supposed to.  This is fairly unknown territory and since our first try at this was challenging, you can understand my hesitation.

Thankfully, I have a very supportive network full of friends and family and a phenomenal OBGYN who I know will help me stay strong and do what's best for me and our little one.

I'll be sure to keep you posted!       

Mourning What I Do Not Have but Want Dearly

I grew up in a rather small immediate family (me, mom, and dad) but had a rather large extended family (lots of aunts, uncles and cousins) and we were very close with both my parents' sides.  We would come together several times throughout the year for family reunions, birthdays, picnics, BBQ's, vacations, and more.  It was a fun way to grow up and when I look back on my childhood those gatherings are some of my favorite memories.  As time passed we all grew up and started going on our paths, people started passing, family gatherings happened less and became more obligatory versus fun and exciting, and life just took on a new direction.  My particular journey took me through high school and college and then into the work force.  I spent much of my 20's living on my own, working, hanging out with my friends, and being a productive member of society.  Many of my cousins took a different path in their 20's - fell in love with their other halves and became parents, our paths continuing to gain more distance.

Most of my life I've had to witness the rise and fall of my parents health; mental and physical.  In addition to weight issues I've seen them struggle with diabetes, knee, feet, and shoulder issues, amputations, depression, anger management, cancer, memory issues, and more.  The constant health concerns have limited what we've been able to do as a family for many, many years now.  I've spent much of my adult years worrying over them both and stressing about how to help and fighting the "bad daughter guilt" I constantly feel.  I don't have the kind of relationship with my parents that I wish I had.

When hubby and I started dating and things were getting serious I started to get excited for a lot of reasons but primarily because I not only would have a husband but two sisters-in-law, and a set of in-laws who seemed like amazing people.  Now, I'm not saying my in-laws at not amazing, just not what I was anticipating.  I was hoping to get that close-knit family feel.  I wanted to spend a lot of time with my sisters-in-law and become genuine friends.  I wanted to have relationships with my in-laws.  Instead, we see them on the holidays and maybe a handful of times throughout the year.  That's it.

I don't have any close family and that breaks my heart.  I've tried and tried to form relationships and bonds but for reasons that are too numerous to mention and not quite understood things never panned out.  I look at my extended family (those who married in their 20's and had children) and often see their photos on social media and it makes me long for the past when we were all close.  I'm not jealous and I don't begrudge them having a close knit family, I just mourn what I don't necessarily have.  Very much in the same way someone who loses a parent feels upon seeing someone else with theirs.  It's not so much jealously, just a reminder of something that no longer is a part of your life.

While I have a wonderful group of friends who are like family the emptiness felt due to the lack of a close-knit family is hard.  I don't have siblings so it very much is just me.  And I think what's even more difficult to handle is that my children will more than likely grow up without a close-bonded family and I don't know how to make that better.  Hubby and I are one thing but I believe there is something to be said for having an extended family who's truly there from the beginning.

If I am coming off sounding anything other than thoughtful I don't mean to.  I am very grateful for the family I do have and know that all families, regardless of relationships, have their own struggles.  Also, just because the grass seems greener on the other side doesn't mean that's how it looks all the time.

Basically, I'm coming to terms with what I don't have and learning to appreciate what I do.        

  

Phew!

Good news!  All is well and my levels are back down where they need to be.  I'm very happy to hear that.  I guess going through a miscarriage journey can make things operate differently so, instead of worrying about it I'm going to be thankful that I am ok and my body is taking care of itself.

Going forward, I will make sure to do what I'm supposed to do in regards to my medical care, and I suggest you do the same.  :)

Baby making can begin again.