I'll admit I was a bad patient and now my actions are coming back to bite me in the ass. Our last appointment with the ob/gyn was Friday, February 6th. Hubby and I got word that all but a little bit of blood had been expelled and the little bit remaining would more than likely pass with the next visit from Aunt Flo. We left about as elated as you can be at what we thought was the end of our miscarriage journey with prescriptions to get two blood draws to monitor my HGC levels back to zero. About five days later I went and got the first blood draw....129. I thought that was a good number and I should be at zero in a few days. I didn't go back for the second blood draw. I was stupid.
Then, on Monday March 2 I started my period.
Then, yesterday, I got my period again.
Neither have been extremely heavy and to be honest they're "easier" than they ever were when I was on birth control. Very little to no cramping, no heavy flow, no leaking, etc. And from what memory can recall they've been easier than my periods were BEFORE I was on birth control.
I started to get somewhat concerned so today I called my ob/gyn to ask if there's any possibility the blood didn't pass and could be sitting there not letting me have a normal flow period (normal for me). Of course, the first thing they want to do is check my levels, so I ran over to the Labcorp and had blood drawn. I should know the result tomorrow morning.
In the meantime I'm doing what I shouldn't be doing....Googling. I am praying that all is ok. Hubby and I were wanting to start the baby making process again this month and I'll feel like a complete ass if, due to my ignorance and not thoroughly following up with proper blood work, we need to have additional medical intervention that will push us back another couple of months.
A can of worms I do not want to open.
How can I have two bleeding cycles if I've retained anything?
Wouldn't I have other symptoms if I did? Fever? Odor? Cramps? Something??
We thought this part of our journey was over and that we could move forward. Praying it is and I'm worrying over nothing.
I'll be sure to keep you updated. However, if you're in the same boat LISTEN TO YOUR DOCTOR!
Monday, March 30, 2015
Thursday, March 19, 2015
I Just Don't Think I'm Ready
I've been doing really well recently in regards to the anxiety. I'm on a low dose of Lexapro and for the most part that keeps things pretty steady. I'm driving places without looking at my traffic app all the time which is a huge thing for me. I'm scheduling trips requiring me to drive longer distances by myself on major highways, and the thought of having to go to the dentist isn't as scary as it was a few weeks ago.
However, there is this one opportunity that is being presented to me and I just don't think I'm ready for it. I am a member of a local improv group. I have been for the last two years and for the most part we perform quite locally at small venues and at our own little home theater. There's a major improv marathon festival coming up over the summer at a major city. All my fellow players are on-board but I have extreme reservations; not about performing but about being in that environment. It's been years since I've been to this city and getting around is done best by taking the subway. I'm quite worried about having an anxiety attack and not be close to home or having someone around with whom I feel "safe".
I talked to hubby about it and he's supporting me either way and offered to go with me - he's so sweet! I just feel like I'm making progress with the small steps I'm making and just worried that if I take a big leap and go to the marathon it may set me back. Or it could push me forward....
I'm stuck.
I hate giving in to the anxiety but also don't want to ruin what I think it pretty major progress for me. Not to mention the fact that I'm just not a city girl.
I don't know what I'll do but I'll be sure to keep you posted. Words of encouragement are much appreciated. :)
However, there is this one opportunity that is being presented to me and I just don't think I'm ready for it. I am a member of a local improv group. I have been for the last two years and for the most part we perform quite locally at small venues and at our own little home theater. There's a major improv marathon festival coming up over the summer at a major city. All my fellow players are on-board but I have extreme reservations; not about performing but about being in that environment. It's been years since I've been to this city and getting around is done best by taking the subway. I'm quite worried about having an anxiety attack and not be close to home or having someone around with whom I feel "safe".
I talked to hubby about it and he's supporting me either way and offered to go with me - he's so sweet! I just feel like I'm making progress with the small steps I'm making and just worried that if I take a big leap and go to the marathon it may set me back. Or it could push me forward....
I'm stuck.
I hate giving in to the anxiety but also don't want to ruin what I think it pretty major progress for me. Not to mention the fact that I'm just not a city girl.
I don't know what I'll do but I'll be sure to keep you posted. Words of encouragement are much appreciated. :)
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
I've Been Un-Friended
People are meant to come in and out of our lives. It's be pretty boring if we were surrounded by the same people all the time. Like characters in a story, each new person adds a little bit of something to our individual stories. These characters can stick around for minutes, hours, weeks, months, years, decades, or longer. It may not take long for them to have an impact on our lives and often times we don't realize what they've added until we notice their absence.
Several years ago my path crossed with someone who became a very good friend. We had a lot in common, belonged to the same young professionals group, laughed at the same things, hung around in the same circles, had mutual friends, and pretty quickly became friends ourselves.
A few years after we met, her life (and job) decided to take her across the pond to the United Kingdom. While I was sad to see her go I knew it was going to be a great thing for her, plus her work travels would bring her state-side quite often, so while she was leaving, I never really considered her gone.
I ended up going on a vacation of a lifetime and visited her once she got settled. We had a great time and I was able to see a part of the world I never thought I get to see. I took hundreds of photos and even today think it was one of the best vacations ever!
Shortly after I returned I received an email from my friend apologizing, saying that during my visit she wasn't herself and hoped there weren't any bad vibes. I must have been in vacation euphoria (or she hid it really well) (or both) because I didn't pick up on anything. I told her not to worry about it and reassured her that if she needed anything or just wanted to talk, to let me know.
Since then, our friendship has slowly dwindled. I occasionally would get an email from her apologizing for not keeping in touch, that things weren't going too well, etc. She got a new position at work so her travels back across the pond weren't as often and our emails went from pretty regular to now, non-existent. I've reached out in the past but have gotten very little back in the way of a response.
I received a happy birthday wish on my last birthday followed up by a note that she would be in touch but that never happened. A couple months ago she emailed me to say she was state-side but wouldn't be able to get together. Then, last week, I realized I hadn't been seeing many updates on Facebook and it was then I realized I had been un-friended. And it hurt.
It wasn't the first person to un-friend me but it was the first friend to do so.
I guess I'll never fully understand what happened to our friendship and why it ended the way it did. One of the things I loved about our friendship was that it was consistent despite the distance.
I don't think I did anything wrong and I would hope if I did she would tell me and while I don't think I'll ever be ok with no longer having her as a friend I'm choosing to not focus on that. Instead, I'll focus on the time we were in each other's lives and the memories from that. She's got an amazing life and I know she'll continue to do wonderful things and I've been blessed that for a brief time she was a character in my story.
Several years ago my path crossed with someone who became a very good friend. We had a lot in common, belonged to the same young professionals group, laughed at the same things, hung around in the same circles, had mutual friends, and pretty quickly became friends ourselves.
A few years after we met, her life (and job) decided to take her across the pond to the United Kingdom. While I was sad to see her go I knew it was going to be a great thing for her, plus her work travels would bring her state-side quite often, so while she was leaving, I never really considered her gone.
I ended up going on a vacation of a lifetime and visited her once she got settled. We had a great time and I was able to see a part of the world I never thought I get to see. I took hundreds of photos and even today think it was one of the best vacations ever!
Shortly after I returned I received an email from my friend apologizing, saying that during my visit she wasn't herself and hoped there weren't any bad vibes. I must have been in vacation euphoria (or she hid it really well) (or both) because I didn't pick up on anything. I told her not to worry about it and reassured her that if she needed anything or just wanted to talk, to let me know.
Since then, our friendship has slowly dwindled. I occasionally would get an email from her apologizing for not keeping in touch, that things weren't going too well, etc. She got a new position at work so her travels back across the pond weren't as often and our emails went from pretty regular to now, non-existent. I've reached out in the past but have gotten very little back in the way of a response.
I received a happy birthday wish on my last birthday followed up by a note that she would be in touch but that never happened. A couple months ago she emailed me to say she was state-side but wouldn't be able to get together. Then, last week, I realized I hadn't been seeing many updates on Facebook and it was then I realized I had been un-friended. And it hurt.
It wasn't the first person to un-friend me but it was the first friend to do so.
I guess I'll never fully understand what happened to our friendship and why it ended the way it did. One of the things I loved about our friendship was that it was consistent despite the distance.
I don't think I did anything wrong and I would hope if I did she would tell me and while I don't think I'll ever be ok with no longer having her as a friend I'm choosing to not focus on that. Instead, I'll focus on the time we were in each other's lives and the memories from that. She's got an amazing life and I know she'll continue to do wonderful things and I've been blessed that for a brief time she was a character in my story.
Monday, March 16, 2015
I Faced the Scale
Like so many people in the world I have a love/hate relationship with the scale. I've struggled with my weight most of life and if you are a firm believer in the BMI index I would certainly be considered obese. My tops are usually sized L or XL and I wear a size 16 in pants/skirts. I'm pear shaped so finding a one piece of anything that fits me perfectly up top and down below is usually an exercise in futility.
I don't rely much on what the scale says. In fact I don't even own one. I keep an eye on how my clothes are fitting. I make sure I drink plenty of water and eat a fairly consistent diet. I'm not perfect at any of this but I am aware of my choices and most days I'm quite content with my self.
The only time I step on the scale is when I'm at the doctor's office and they make me. I usually step up but don't look at the number. I think it's because I'm afraid of what I think the number will secretly tell me, "You're fat." "You've gained weight". "You're not healthy...."
When I got pregnant I decided I could no longer hid from that number nor would I let it dictate my life or that of my unborn child. During my first pre-natal appointment I was asked to step on a scale. I didn't turn away and watched as the 197 jumped on the screen. I felt relief and a sense of power.
Last week I found myself down and out with a severe cold. I ended up at my doctors office as I thought I had contracted a sinus infection. I stepped on the scale and for a moment was mortified as the number 208 popped up...yikes!! Eleven pounds since the beginning of January. Then I remembered that it's a number. It's job is to go up and down and I'm the one in charge of the direction. At that point I decided that I no longer was going to run and hide from the numbers on the scale. In the end, it is simply a number....a number to be aware of but not ruled by.
I don't rely much on what the scale says. In fact I don't even own one. I keep an eye on how my clothes are fitting. I make sure I drink plenty of water and eat a fairly consistent diet. I'm not perfect at any of this but I am aware of my choices and most days I'm quite content with my self.
The only time I step on the scale is when I'm at the doctor's office and they make me. I usually step up but don't look at the number. I think it's because I'm afraid of what I think the number will secretly tell me, "You're fat." "You've gained weight". "You're not healthy...."
When I got pregnant I decided I could no longer hid from that number nor would I let it dictate my life or that of my unborn child. During my first pre-natal appointment I was asked to step on a scale. I didn't turn away and watched as the 197 jumped on the screen. I felt relief and a sense of power.
Last week I found myself down and out with a severe cold. I ended up at my doctors office as I thought I had contracted a sinus infection. I stepped on the scale and for a moment was mortified as the number 208 popped up...yikes!! Eleven pounds since the beginning of January. Then I remembered that it's a number. It's job is to go up and down and I'm the one in charge of the direction. At that point I decided that I no longer was going to run and hide from the numbers on the scale. In the end, it is simply a number....a number to be aware of but not ruled by.
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