So, my improv group got accepted into the New York Del Close Marathon scheduled for the last weekend in June. It starts the evening of the 26th and runs, non-stop right through the weekend. Thousands of groups applied but only about 600 got accepted. In other words, it's a big deal!
While I'm super excited about going, I'm scared to death! Honestly, what scares me most is getting there. We're staying and performing in the East Village of Manhattan, certainly not a place one wants to voluntarily drive so public transportation it is. Some of my improv colleagues have opted to take a bus but I'm not quite sure I want to do that. I'm thinking a train may be the best option. I still have time to work out the logistics.
I'm really concerned about having an anxiety attack. Between public transportation, being in a huge, crowded city, and having to perform in front of goodness knows how many people, party of me feels like an anxiety attack is almost imminent. I take comfort in the fact that I've not had an attack in quite a while and when the feelings do start to bubble I can control them so they fizzle out pretty quickly. Traffic doesn't seem to affect me the way it used to and two weeks ago I DROVE ON THE TURNPIKE!! The very same turnpike where, about a year ago, I had a major panic attack. I was so flippin' proud of myself that day! So proud!
I want to feel that pride again. That's why I'm going to New York and why I'm putting myself in a weekend full of situations that will most likely test my anxiety and push me to my limit. I want to regain some of my life back; that part of my life that used to enjoy trains, traveling, cities, new experiences, and atmospheres, without the constant worry of anxiety.
Hubby is going with me so it'll be nice to have his support, encouragement, and strength. My improv friends will be there as well and while very few know about my battle, having them there will also help I'm sure.
I've acknowledged my apprehension and concern. I think that's a good thing to do. Instead of sweeping it under the rug and pretending it doesn't exist I'm going to recognize it, feel it, and then, let it go. Should it decide to come back, I'll repeat the process...recognize, feel, let it go.
The anxiety no longer controls me. I control the anxiety.
In other news...baby making continues. Two months in and no baby 2.0. We're not concerned. We're simply having a good time trying. :)
